Sister-in-law VENT--Know it all teenager.

MrsHovey2B

I hope you don't mind, but I'm really irritated and need some advice on how to handle my 'sister-in-law' without causing a huge family drama.

(Last time I "disrespected"(my brother's words) his fiance, he threatened to cut us out of his life and we would 'lose him'....REALLY mature. lol. and all caused by the fact that I deleted her younger brother from facebook because he kept posting obnoxious religious statements in my comments, and we don't share the same religion as the rest of the family, which I politely let him know, and he just kept preaching his religion at me in lengthy paragraphs on EVERYTHING I posted.  So naturally, I just deleted him, since I don't even know him that well to begin with.) But as you can see, they are young, volatile and prone to a preposterous level of melodramatic overreactions. 

Here's what happened (and keeps happening): 

My (sort of) sister in law (brother's fiance), is 19 and the biggest pain in the ass in the world. She acts like she knows everything and 'her' way is 'the' way. When we were talking about the pregnancy she acted like she 100% knew everything and had all sorts of parenting and pregnancy advice for me. (She is not a mom, has never been pregnant and babysits, so she thinks she knows how to be a parent.) She also uses her older sister as a reason why she knows everything too (her older sister is a year younger than me, but is 'successful' [financially] and used to be a nanny, at some point in her past evidently, and that means that my SIL is somehow now an expert). It's annoying, because if I politely just disagree with her, for example, 

"If the baby won't stop crying and doesn't fall asleep right away, put a humidifier in their room and just leave them alone, otherwise you'll teach them to be codependent." She said, something along those lines.

Well that's fine, I know some people want to parent this way, and I'm never going to tell anyone how to be a parent, because GUESS WHAT? My opinion means SQUAT to anyone but myself! So I nicely said,

"I know a lot of people feel that way, but I won't be doing that, because I don't share those opinions."

She continued to back herself up and go ON and ON about how she's babysat her cousins and has been babysitting for a LONG time (because you totally have been around long enough at 19 years old to be able to say you've done ANYTHING for a LONG time.) And in her YEARS of experience, she really has had to learn the hard way how to get kids to behave and they all end up loving her. Anyway, the rest of the visit consisted of her telling me stories of her babysitting adventures and bragging about her 'clever' ideas on how to keep the kids happy and like she was trying to prove she was just a domestic goddess that would someday make the best mother in the entire world. 

I am just SO SICK of this girl! I don't care about her opinions, I'm not threatened by her, I don't give a shit about her, I'm just sick of having to listen to her! It's annoying, a waste of my time and while she's trying to talk herself up, she's constantly trying to talk me down and be disrespectful to me. It's just exhausting to have to sit through and be polite about when someone is acting that way to you. I eventually made up an excuse for why we had to leave because I the entire room was being completely monopolized by her and all of her 'wisdom' all evening, and frankly, I was really REALLY bored. I excused myself to 'use the restroom' like, 6 times and blamed it on the baby saying it made me pee all the time, when really I just wanted to get the HELL out of there!

What do I do? Every time I visit with the family, I end up having to sit through the same conversation with her over and over, and she just TAKES OVER the entire conversation, and doesn't stop until everyone leaves! I live 6 hours from my family, so when I go to visit, I want to be able to talk to my mom, and brother and family without having to feel like my entire pregnancy is being 'guided' by her the whole time I'm there. "Buy this brand bottle, this type of pillow, this crib, you have to be safe, you're not allowed to eat this, or that, or do this, or do that, and TRUST me, I KNOW what I'm talking about. Oh you're so cute! I knew you'd be cute when you finally got pregnant." She talks to me like she's older and more experienced than I am, and it's just a little insulting and annoying. 

I'm 26, so not a LOT older than her, but enough to where it's just really unusual and irritating. 

What do you suggest I do about this? I don't want to create excess drama, but I REALLY don't care if I look like kind of a bitch to her at this point because it's really getting to be too much. 

Sorry for the vent guys, I'm just really irritated. I want to punch her. But I won't, because that's illegal, and my brother would make it a huge deal. haha.

talkthewholetime

OOOH i'd want to punch her in the throat.

What's the rest of your family's reaction to this? I'm surprised everyone let's her go on and on - my family would shut her down pretty quick, haha.

She's 19. She's a child. I'd start treating her like one. (I mean...hello, she was in high school LAST YEAR!) 

lv2011

I don't take crap like that, so my approach might not be for everyone. But here is what I'd do:

Next time she opens her mouth to spew this garbage, get up and leave. Keep leaving wherever she goes, no matter how often. If she point-blank questions why you aren't listening, tell her you have no interest in her opinions on YOUR pregnancy and how YOU parent. And then walk away again. If your brother is so blind as to see how her insensitivty is affecting you, maybe it's best to put some distance between you.

Good luck. I hate people like that.

MissLadyTay

My SIL is like this except she has two kids. She offers advice constantly and gets offended if people don't parent the exact same way she does. I have never said anything but "oh wow" and "hmmm" to respond to her advice and suggestions. In other words, I've been smiling and nodding for years. I know it would upset MH if I told her off, so I don't to preserve the family peace. That's my advice. Ignore her advice, enjoy it when her kids are trainwrecks, and smile and nod.

ETA: avoid her at family gatherings as much as you can. Sometimes I shrug and say "I've had enough kid talk!" And I get up and move to find someone better to talk to.

DaisyTortilla

Well. I don't have this exact dilemma. But I do have an annoying child of a sister in law. I am very very short tempered when I'm 'confronted' or being 'humiliated' for my beliefs. But my major had me take a ton of psychology classes in college. As far as I know the best way to deal with this an not hurt feelings is to talk it out. I'd say something along the lines of "i appreciate your enthusiasm to share your babysitting stories, but I have my I have my own strong beliefs inplace, that won't be changed. All parents learn on their own, I'd appreciate if I was given the opportunity to do this on my own and if I am given the respect I deserve for my opinion as well."

pjsparkle03

That would make my blood boil! I'm sorry that you have to deal with that esp when you live six hrs away from your family.

I would start on the polite route and say something like, I appreciate your helpful insights but let's change the subject. I'm always talking about baby.

Beyond that I think I'd start getting rude! I think I'd end up saying something to the effect of "that's great you've had so many BABYSITTING experiences but every baby is different. And we will be doing things differently. Please keep feedback to a minimal.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I think I'd also talk to your brother. I mean you are trying to be nice about it and maybe by going to him you can avoid WWIII.

Good Luck!

jsaffer01

That would piss me off as well. I'm the type of person that doesn't take crap like that, but I'm polite about it. The only similar experience I have to that is people telling me I need to find out the sex of the baby to be prepared for when baby comes. This pisses me off everytime, and I explain to them nicely but firmly that we do not want to know what it is because we want to be surprised at the delivery and then for the shower we will actually get things we need and not just clothes. And people try to argue with me but I just continue to say this is the way we want to do it, and this is the way we are going to do it. And then I walk away. So in your situation as soon as she starts to throw out this "amazing" 19 yr old advice I would just tell her thanks but no thanks, I am going to do things my way because it's my baby, it's in my body, I am making grow, I am going to be there 24/7 with the baby so I want things done my way. So you can stop wasting your breath on your advice because I am going to do it my way.

FunSizeGrl

pjsparkle03 said:

I would start on the polite route and say something like, I appreciate your helpful insights but let's change the subject. I'm always talking about baby.

I would be totally annoyed too! But that's what I'd say. I wouldn't say she's a child so treat her like one. Or at least to me 19 isn't a child at all. Just tell her you don't want to talk about it because she may think you do since you haven't said otherwise. There isnt anything wrong with being upfront about it. I'd be totally annoyed but some people give constant unsolicited stupid advice. Pregnancy seems to be a beacon for unsolicited advice!

codik86

After you have been dealing with it so long, I'd honestly tell to STFU. She, no matter what age or level of experience, has no right to badger you like that. Just start being a smartass and tell her you heard to soothe baby you should dangle it out the window Michael Jackson style til it stops crying.

Or, release the preggo rage and really tell her how you feel. I have a low BS tolerance. She's ruining your family time and thats not cool. I'm sure other fam members are hearing what she's saying and wouldn't blame you for telling her how you really feel.

dwnslde

I would try to be as polite and direct as possible. If she's that sensitive that her fiancé has threatened to "cut you off," if your husband wants to remain in contact with his brother there is an amount of treading lightly. I have gotten spoken to by my father for not being crazy supportive of my stepsister before. Changing the topic or stating thank you I appreciate the enthusiasm as PP have said before, but right now I think DH and I have things covered, if I have any questions I will give you a call and ask, besides some things these days go in one ear and out the other. Haha you could also bring up how some random person was giving you all this unsolicited advice and how annoying it was.

I wish we could all be there to help! No one needs this and she needs to learn to let other people be.

JessElam

Wow, what a pain in the arse she is...I'm sorry that she is marrying into your family!  Like another poster has said, I'm surprised your mom or other relatives haven't picked up on your annoyance and stepped in to divert the conversation.  I totally agree with changing the subject completely off baby while she is there.  I'm afraid if I was in the situation I would eventually just explode on her.  Add to that, when she does end up having her own baby, not offer her a damn bit of advice since she already knows so much already.  She won't even know what hit her when she has her own kid.  A 19 year old babysitter is by no means prepared for motherhood.

Good luck to you...too bad you can't pop a Xanex before going to see your family.  

MrsHovey2B

Thanks guys, I like the ideas you had about changing the subject or brushing it off with jokes (The Michael Jackson one was golden!, I chuckled!) My family has noticed but usually they just quietly listen and exchange 'looks'. My dad is bound to say something sarcastic to her about it eventually, but everyone kind of walks on eggshells because of my brother's reactions. 

I actually told him last night that if he wanted to take himself out of my life, he was welcome to because I have bigger things on my plate right now and don't have time to deal with this kind of immature drama. 

I didn't want to get to that point, but he had called asking for help paying for the wedding, since she wants a ridiculously huge wedding that neither her family or my brother could afford, and my parents said they would contribute, but even with their help, it wasn't enough. She is proving her maturity level 10 fold, and I'm not talking down to her age at all, I know lots of 19 year olds who are very much adult and mature, but she's just not one of them. 

Evidently she flipped out and had a 'panic attack' (I'm not throwing that out there lightly, I suffer from anxiety problems as well, so I'm very familiar with panic attacks) because she 'only gets to get married once' and 'it's really unfair that she can't have the wedding she always dreamed of because nobody is willing to let her'. 

I could not believe it. I was over it, and just told him that she was being a spoiled child, and she should be happy just to marry him. Of course girls want the 'wedding of their dreams' but let's be realistic here. If she wants to prove she's an adult, she needs to take responsibility upon herself to make it happen if it's what she really wants. That's not what she's doing, she's expecting it to be just handed to her, then getting angry when everyone doesn't bend over backwards just to cater to her every whim. 

Anyway, so I'm not sure if I'll see either of them again soon, which is a shame(only because I love my brother despite his poor taste in women), but if things get resolved, I'll definitely use the tactics you all suggested. Thank you so much for your insight and help!

kat8805

Holy cow... who the eff does this chick think she is? And your brother is effed if he's already got her up on the pedestal... I'm amazed your parents haven't intervened in that relationship already on it's own, but the fact that this chick is already taking over the family gatherings when you come from 6 hours out of the area to see everyone... BISH PLEASE! I hope for your family's sake that your brother can pull his dick out of his ear long enough to think straight before this becomes legally binding...

hanafan36

MrsHovey2B said:

I could not believe it. I was over it, and just told him that she was being a spoiled child, and she should be happy just to marry him. Of course girls want the 'wedding of their dreams' but let's be realistic here. If she wants to prove she's an adult, she needs to take responsibility upon herself to make it happen if it's what she really wants. That's not what she's doing, she's expecting it to be just handed to her, then getting angry when everyone doesn't bend over backwards just to cater to her every whim. 

 

 

WOW. My first thought was to turn it around on her and go "Well I've been married for soooo long. This is how to be a wife..."

But that's petty. My husband and I got married by standing in line and signing the paper because it's all we could afford. We plan on renewing our vows with a big fancy reception when it's in the cards.

 

As for your debacle, my husband would say turn to someone else and change the subject, just talking over her if she keeps going. But that would be frowned upon in my family. Try maybe changing the subject with her. Instead of walking away or "I don't want to talk about that" Ask instead about her. "Are you excited to be married? Do you have any fears or questions about marriage? Tell me again how you guys met."