She changed her mind

penguin122308

I need advice or just a shoulder to cry on. We are about to celebrate 5 years together and have been married 1 year. We moved to a "legal" state and are kind of alone here. We decided about a year ago we wanted a baby and that is part of the reason we moved here. We did tons of research, planning, talking, and daydreaming. We never got to the actual physical ttc business besides exercise, weight-loss, diet changes, and vitamins. She has now changed her mind. I am devastated!! I want to be a mom and I want a family with her, not some stranger. We try to talk about it, but I can't get a good reason out of her. She just says if I want a baby that bad to leave and fibd soneone. Again, I am heartbroken. I don't know what to do. Did anyone else have a reluctant partner? Any advice?

2MamazInSeattle

Hi and sorry you are in such a rough situation. I don't know that there is much to say other than to help her understand how important it is to you to have a baby/be a mom, and if she's changed her mind, you deserve a meaningful explanation. Her response of telling you to go find someone else is pretty harsh and hurtful - so (pop psychology here) I just wonder if there is more to it. In any case, maybe a couples counselor could help facilitate the discussion so you can move forward. Best of luck!

GoaliesWife123

Sorry for your situation. Having a child is a huge decision and if you and your partner are not on the same page, I strongly recommend that you continue talking until you are. Having a baby does not fix a relationship.

You may want to seek out a counselor and try to get things out in the open. I could never imagine my wife saying to leave her and find someone else. Ever. My wife and I are completely on the same page when it comes to our family planning. If either of us were reluctant, we wouldn't be actively trying. 

Greysmom13

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know it is hard when you are both on the same page and then you aren't. For her to say for you to leave and find someone else if you want a baby so bad adds to the hurt of you two not being on the same page. I think you need to see if somehow you can find out why she's changed her mind and if it's is just right now she doesn't want a baby or if this is something she can never see herself doing with you. I know it is very emotional for you and you have to do some soul searching.

penguin122308

It was out of no where. We were both actively planning and preparing so that is why I am shocked. She is such a private person she wouldn't agree to telling a stranger our problems and she would prob be upset the internet now knows! lol We try to talk but I get so emotional and pushy because I was ready. It sure doesn't help that we know 5 straight pregnant couples, two of which are oops babies. It just adds to the stress.

wishiwaspreggo

So sorry to hear you are going through this I cannot offer much as far as advice goes but I can say that if you both aren't on the same page, you're going to need to have some serious conversations about it.  Her telling you to leave and find someone else is just awful, but she may just be lashing out because she's afraid.  Not that I'm justifying her hurtful behavior.

She does owe it to you to tell you why she doesn't want to have kids anymore, especially since you moved and got married.  I'd be crushed if my partner - out of nowhere - told me she no longer wanted to have kids.  How awful... I hope you come to a resolution soon.

shelly2314

In my past relationship (we were together for 10 years) we had talked about children. We never got to the active planning part, however discussed it quite a bit.  There came a point when she was like, whoa---nevermind. She knew this would be a problem b/c I told her when we first started dating that I wanted kids and it was a non-negotiable.  It took a lot of time (and badgering) for it to come out that she was felling like we weren't stable enough as a couple.  We had started bickering and I believe that our feelings for each other had started to change even though I didn't want to recognize it.

I am not in any way saying this is what is going on, but you do deserve to know the reasoning.  I know it is emotional for you, but you really have to try to set that aside and create a SAFE place for your partner to discuss her feelings and issues.  I was not able to do this with my past partner, but have now been married to a wonderful woman for the past year and a half and we have worked really hard at creating the "safe place" to discuss hot topic issues.  It does take work and trust, but can be done.

i wish the best of luck for you and your partner as this is a rocky subject

JGY

I'm so sorry that you are both going through this.  I had a very smiliar experience with my wife as well.  When we first began dating, we spoke often about our dreams to have kids.  I moved forward in the relationship with the solid belief that it was something we both wanted. At some point she began to voice resistance to the idea.  I was devestated.  We got to a point where I felt like I talked about it/pushed it all the time.  There was no subject that was safe from me being able to bring it back around to kids. 

I could go on for hours about our journey but when we finally did get to the heart of the matter, some of what was holding her back was a belief that she would not be a good parent.  While we've moved forward and now have our amazing son, it's not all rosey and happy.  She still has these deep-seeded beliefs, and I can see her struggle with the frustration.  And I, in turn, have guilt just about every day feeling like I forced this on her.

I'm not saying that we aren't BOTH overjoyed to have our little guy.  We are.  But it was a long road to get here, and the road continues.

I agree with the other posters that creating a safe space to talk about what is really worrying your partner is the best thing that you can do.  Seeing a counselor would be ideal, but I understand if she would be unwilling to do that. 

I wish I had the perfect thing to say that would help you both, but I don't.  Feel free to PM me if you want to vent privately or ask me any specific questions.

JGY

 

penguin122308

I think jgy got part of it right. Her parents fought nonstop and she's afraid we will fight like that. We were raised very different, so we don't always see eye to eye. I thank everyone for helping. I am just glad to know it isn't just us. I do push and I know it is something I need to work on .