DD wondered off in a public place...need advice

meg1974

We were at an outdoor mall tonight, listening to a kids concert and looking at Christmas lights. It was semi-crowded (maybe 100 people), but we were standing on the outskirts and not in a crowded area. DH was standing with DD. She touched his leg, and then the next thing he knew she wasn't there. We found her about five minutes later at the security desk. It turns out some lady found her and took her there. She said she wanted to go find me (I was about 15 feet away), but she went the wrong way. 

I'm thankful that someone helped her, but I've told her not to talk to strangers before. She said she didn't want to go with the lady, but she is really shy and doesn't speak up when people talk to her. I'm kind of glad she did go with the lady b/c it ultimately helped us find her. But, it could have been so much worse, you know? Should I tell her not to go with strangers in that situation, and just to stay where she is and let us find her? I know some people give their kids a "safe place" to go to if they get lost, but in this case the mall is so big I don't know if she would have found the security desk on her own. 

LauraChicago

I don't know if it's "right" but I've heard of people telling their kids to find a woman with kids and ask her for help if they can't find a security person. It's obviously stereotyping saying the men are more likely to be dangerous and of course woman could be dangerous too. I think they are just having their kids play the odds in a serious situation. I would think it would be good to teach them to stay in the sight of other people too (don't go behind a closed door, in a car etc.) and when in doubt run and scream. Sucks that people have to worry about all of this.

Glad your DD is ok.

ss+el

I have heard the same - find another mom OR find someone with a name tag because it's typically going to be a store employee.

74dragonfly

We tell DD find a mommy with kids. We also have tried to drill into her head if she wanders away how serious it is.
Your experience sounds horribly scarey. I'm glad it ended ok.

meg1974

Thanks, everyone. I'm thankful she is okay too, and yes it was incredibly scary!

I will tell her all of these things and who to go to for help. I honestly think it happened so quickly, she didn't even realize she was lost until the woman approached her. 

But, my question is what do I tell her to do if someone approaches her. Should she have refused to go with the woman and just stayed where she was and waited for us to find her? She said she didn't want to go, but I think she is just too shy to tell the woman that. 

mommymegan831

I've never thought about what to tell DD if she needs help, but I think I'd say something about looking for someone that works there because I don't know if she'd really understand fully about a mom with kids.  She does tend to run around alot so before we go anywhere we always go over rules about staying with mommy, ask before you want to see something, wait for me and her brother to be ready before going over to see whatever.  

meg1974

I've heard about the "tricky people" vs. strangers concept before, and I actually did talk to her about how some people are tricky and hurt kids, etc.. But, how does the kid know if someone is tricky or not? If they are lost and you don't want them to talk to anyone b/c someone might be tricky, how do you teach the kid to know the difference? 

neverblushed

Below is my family's routine for that type of emergency.  Each of my kids has gotten separated from me in public once and my kids have used this plan both times to be reunited.

1. If we get separated, the first thing is to wait where you are because Mom will be looking for you.

2. If you wait for a long time and Mom doesn't find you, find a grownup who works at the place (the cash register person at a store, teachers at a school, usher at the stadium) and tell that person you need to find your mom.

3. If you can't find a worker or you can't tell who a worker is, find another Mom with kids and ask for help.

We talked through lots of different examples of public places like the mall, amusement parks, downtown shopping areas, the zoo, the beach, etc.  Even now that they are older, I will sometimes ask them, "Tell me what you would do if we got separated at this place.  How would you handle it?"  At first I worried that talking about it would make my kids afraid, but it didn't.  It actually made them feel more comfortable because they had a plan.  

Also, I did little activities with my kids where I asked them to navigate public places.  Like, stand in the toy section at Wal-mart and say, "where are the cash registers from here?"  Or walking around the zoo, say "which way is back to the car?" and then help them think through the landmarks and mentally retrace their steps.  This helps prevent the child from getting confused and walking in the wrong direction in an attempt to find you in a public place.

meg1974

Right, but in this case the person who brought her to the security desk was perfectly fine, but would have been labeled as tricky by that definition. I guess I'm struggling with how to explain it in a way that both makes sense and is truthful. 

fredalina said:

How do you know a tricky person is a tricky person? Because they ask kids for help (grown ups never need strange kids' help) or try to get kids to go somewhere with them, like a car, van, house, or even just around the bend.

groovygrl

OP I totally hear you... the problem is what you are supposed to tell your child to do when someone is apparently trying to help them,  and they actually NEED help (like being separated from you). It is different when someone approaches a child trying to get them to go somewhere vs. approaches a child who is clearly lost/on their own & offers to help them find you.  In your case it is also hard b/c you were outside and there was probably not anyone who was an employee like you would tell them to look for at other places, and someone actually offered to help her so that was a good thing. I guess I would tell her that she should stay put and not let the person take her anywhere or go anywhere but to stand right in place and to yell your name and tell the person who wants to help you what mommy's first name so that person could maybe yell your name or have you paged.  That is a tough situation, there isn't really a clear answer.  I guess the best approach is if you're at a crowded outdoor event to always start the experience by saying, if we get separated, find that store/bench/etc and meet me there. Then if a stranger approaches them to help they can say they're going to meet mom/dad at the red bench.   I will admit while we talk a lot about all of these what ifs and tricky ppl etc that I definitely dont' think to say it every time we go somewhere.

sschwege

That is a tough one!  Along the lines of what pp said, what if you told your daughter to say something like, "My mommy tells me to stay where I'm at and not move if I can't find her."  Hopefully this would prompt the person to seek out help for your daughter without actually taking her anywhere.  Then you could say something like, "If after you tell the person you are staying put and they try to make you leave, start screaming and fighting back."  I was a pretty quiet kid and not one to question anything an adult told me, but I think I could have said something like that.

I also think encouraging your child to find a mommy with kids is one of the safest bets.  

Littlejen22

I guess my thought is if she did not go with that woman what would you have wanted her to do?  I think it is ok if she is lost to go with the person that is trying to help her as long as she knows to freak if the woman stops trying to help.

groovygrl

fredalina said:

I think the woman could flag someone down to get security and stay with the kid, or if she had a smart phone call the store and get a manager on the phone, etc. It's not a matter of leaving her alone or taking her if she has been told not to go with strangers.

So I think the issue is what do you tell a 3-4 yr old- to telll the woman to 'flag down security or call a store'? OPs issue is how to instruct her child about what to do if someone appears to be genuinely trying to help.

AliW220

We also tell SS to find another mama - specifically a woman with other small kids.

I know it's stereotyping and that women can be bad too, but I feel it's better than him standing there lost, opening up the opportunity for a bad person to step in.

I like the idea of teaching them to find someone with a name tag - I never thought of that!

ambrvan

That is tricky.

The nametag idea isn't always good either. People who want kids will go to extend lengths to get them.

When I was on a high school to in Orlando I found a lost boy in Disney World and told him I would take him to the very first employee we could find our I could bring one back to him if he wanted to stay where he was. I had another friend to watch him if he wouldn't go with me. He did go with me and we found a snow cone cart who called security. But I gave him an option because I didn't want to scare him. He was petrified and crying already.

My grandparents always told me that if someone offered to help, never let them touch me and kick and scream and draw as much attention as possible if they did. I think the safest way to deal with separation is to tell the kid to seek someone who works there and if someone offers to help, never go into a bathroom, never allow them to touch them or hold their hand, and never leave the store/park/whatever or get into a car with them.