Vent - lots of random thoughts

Jen071407

Another bfn on 11dpiui. My lp is usually only 12 days, so I'm pretty much calling this iui a bust. Again. I have so many thoughts swirling through my head that range from completely negative to hopeful, with everything possible in between. So I apologize already for the discombobulated mess this post will likely be!

1. I feel like a complete failure. I'm so angry at my body for not doing what it's supposed to do naturally. 

2. I'm so angry at doctor's for not being able to figure it out. Unexplained is a crock of shit.

3. I just want to be done.

4. DH wants to give everything, i.e. IVF, a shot so that we know we tried everything we could. And while I do, too, I'm just not sure I can handle it emotionally. The thought alone of ivf failing gives me extreme anxiety. What will happen if it actually does fail?

5. We live in a split level house with 2 bedrooms up, and 2 down. DDs rooms are downstairs, but they always wake up and come upstairs every night because they want to be closer to us. So I finally, out of sleep deprivation, have let them sleep upstairs in the guest room/what would be the nursery. We're in the process of buying bunk beds and turning it into their room. This is SO hard for me. It is physical evidence that I can't give our family another baby, that my body sucks, as well as a reminder of my mc because I had already started envisioning it as a nursery. 

6. I just know next iui will work. (see my extreme conflicting thoughts here?!)

7. I knew this iui was going to work. hrumph. 

8. I'm a crappy, impatient, distracted mother to my amazing daughters. They don't deserve this. 

I apologize for the crappy tone, but you ladies are the only ones who really understand. Feel free to add your own crazy thoughts to my list! 

pettycrocker

Ugh. Girl. I just wish I could give you a big hug. I agree with absolutely everything you are feeling. I always feel hopeful about every cycle- Unexplained it 1000% a load of shit- our bodies are SUPPOSED to just freaking doing this. I just want you to know how much I am rooting for you, constantly. I really want to celebrate with you when it does finally work, and I truly believe it will! 

kndeckar

I totally get the conflicting hopeful vs completely pessimistic. So sorry about the bfn

KC1212

sorry for the bfn. Nevermind your H, what does your dr think of IVF? (Not to disregard your H) but, has your dr said what his stance on IVF is for your situation? Just curious. Or what your % of success would be?

freakyfast

Was checking in to NOT see this. I'm so sorry I've been thinking of you and hoping for a BFP. Lots of (((HUGS))) to you.

Jen071407

Thanks ladies, I definitely appreciate all the thoughts and support! @KC1212 my RE has already ordered the initial tests and blood work for IVF, but would like to see a 3rd IUI after my mc (I'm current on #2). My clinic's success rate is like 42%. ETA: I still cannot believe ivf is in my vocab/near future.

SnowflakeBride06

I am in a similar place and I can't believe it either. I just want to offer big hugs

CheesyPeas

Oh hun, I'm so sorry about the BFN.   I totally get all of the conflicting emotions.  This is a damn roller coaster ride I can't wait for all of us to get off of.

tuscanbride2007

So sorry for the BFN! This whole IF thing just sucks!!!!!! My cycle was a bust too and don't know where to go from here.

Jen071407

Thanks guys I think my plan is to take at least the next cycle off for a mental health break. We did back to back IUI cycles after my mc and I just need to NOT be all-consumed by ttc. We won't prevent , but I'm not holding my breath for a miracle. Time to focus on the holidays and the family that I have right here in front of me

ScarletBegonia79

i think the breather is a good call. time to relax and have fun without the constant pressure.

whit0156

I totally understand your conflicting feelings! IF is such an emotional roller-coaster. You want to be optimistic and positive, but then whenever I get my hopes up and things don't work it's just that much harder. I had to take more than 6 months off from fertility treatments to really think things through before I was ready to begin my first IVF round. I felt the same way- just the idea of IVF stressed me out beyond belief for whatever reason. With my first round almost behind me, I have to say that it wasn't as bad I I expected. Yes, there are still ups and downs, but there weren't really that many more appointments, the meds didn't give me any worse side effects than clomid or femara, and the shots weren't bad at all! Plus, there is such a higher success rate. Know that you're not alone in your feelings and take time to mentally and physically prepare yourself. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do!