non IF question....family gathering

becomingmommyagain · November 2013

Ok. I have a question. We are hosting thanksgiving this year. My parents, sister and her family, and grandma are all coming up from Florida to ohio. Plus, my younger sister and her three kids that live with us and my three teenagers. We are expecting 17 people. My parents booked a hotel, but everyone else is staying with us.

My Florida sister has a history of trauma drama and my husband is not thrilled she's coming. They are not the same "class" of people - they're low income (which itself isn't the issue), smoke, and are just out of rehab. They don't parent their kids, they yell and"beat" them. They've never had a home of their own, so I think they just don't know how to respect others. My brother and his wife won't have anything to do with them.

So, in the mindset of making a house full of 9 kids from 2-18 run smoothly for 5 days, my husband asked me to put together an agenda and a list of house rules. He wanted me to remind them that we will pay for thanksgiving dinner, but they nd to feed their families the other meals and snacks. We don't drink soda or koolaid so they should get their own if they want it. He also wanted me to tell them that we expect their kids to keep their feet off the couch, eat and drink only in the kitchen and dining area, limit showers to a reasonable time, take my dogs out if they're barking, and to not smoke around my house.

I wrote everything up in a cute agenda template. With the activities we have planned and the meals they're on their own and made a notes section....sent it to my girl friends for thoughts....And they flamed me. They said they would be offended and we should just suck it up and let what happens happen.

What would you do?

twistsandturnsto2 · November 2013

Mmmm, that's a tough one.

Is there a way you can go over the "house rules" or expectations over the phone before arrival? That way they are not greated with a list at the door. You can always "blame" the dogs for the eating situation-- they might beg and eat your snack or meal if you don't eat at the table!-- Having a designated smoking area would confine the smoke to one part of the house/yard.

It's really hard, especially since it's family, but part of assuming the role of host, IMO, is dealing graciously with the baggage the guests bring. Doing what you can to keep the peace might be the best approach.

becomingmommyagain · November 2013

DH wants me to send it in an email before they come up so they have time to get over the"shock of a house with rules". He thinks it will be much less stressful than going around angry because they're doing something we don't agree with, or constantly asking them to not do something.

I talked to my mom and she actually agreed with DH. My sister just doesn't have the same values. She thinks if they know what the expectations are before they come they can at least try to be conscious of that. The only thing my mom said was we should let them smoke on the front porch if it's raining. And that's probably the only thing we won't be flexible on. They can borrow an umbrella.

becomingmommyagain · November 2013

And if it was any other family member we wouldn't feel it was necessary to lay things out. They just have a long history of not being respectful.

twistsandturnsto2 · November 2013

If there is a long history of issues and disrespect I can see your moms and your Hs point. And I agree, an email might be best. At the end of the day, you and your H both need to be respected and comfortable in your own home. But you may have to bend on something to ease the tension, KWIM?

becomingmommyagain · November 2013

The good thing is my nephews are good kids and I ready don't expect trouble from them. They grew up knowing that if any adult tells them to do something, they do it. I expect we'll have to remind them about shoes in the house and feet on the couch...but I still have to remind my own who are 14, 15, & 18.

I did some searching about hosting and house guests and the general consensus is that the host should relay to the guest any quirky house rules while giving them a tour. I personally feel that would be worse than sending an email with the agenda for the week.

"Yes, this is the living room with our brand new furniture, you can sit on it but keep your feet off. This is the hall bathroom, you can take a quick shower. This is the master bedroom, you're not welcome in there. This is the kitchen, you can use the dishes, but you can't take food from the pantry and please wash the dishes you use. This is my beautiful patio table and chairs...but you can't smoke here...."

It's definitely a tough situation, but I think I'm going to send the schedule/agenda and maybe a looser list than husbanwanted.

74dragonfly · November 2013

Honestly I think letting them stay with you but saying you cant eat any of our food is rude. If you are hosting someone on your home you should have food for them. To expect them to go find a grocery store and buy food for a few days while watching you cook and eat just for yourselves comes across as cheap and selfish.

It is fine share house rules like no shoes and no smoking but the "we will provide Thanksgiving but you are on your own for the rest" is tacky.

In the future if you really don't want someone to stay with you don't offer your home up. It REALLY seems like you don't want these people around. I feel like it is rude to open your home and then give a list of rules, some of which are petty like limit showers, and not feed them.

sunflowermama42212 · November 2013

Honestly The food rule seems really rude and pety. If your offering to host them then you should atleast feed them. However going out to eat should be on them if you go out.

katekat8721 · November 2013

They need to get hotel rooms. Let's be honest, this arrangement isn't working for you guys, and even if they meet every one of your agenda items (they won't) then you still will be unhappy and uncomfortable. You have enough on your plate right now!

ETA: I agree about the food rule. Part of being the host is to make your guests feel welcome and comfortable. If you want to host them, you need to feed them and not give them a list of 500 rules. Personally, I think hosting guests suck, which is why last weekend we converted our guest room to the future nursery already, haha!

I really think everyone will be more comfortable if they get a hotel room.

becomingmommyagain · November 2013

I can totally see that argument. But I cannot afford to feed 16 people 3 meals a day. My parents were invited, my sister was not. We are already supporting one sister and her kids while her baby daddy is in prison. I told my parents and the other sister that she could come up, but they need to chip in for food. We are not going to cook and make them watch us eat. I suggested that we meal plan and shop together. We don't snack between meals, and we don't let the kids raid the kitchen. I honestly wouldn't ever do that as a guest, but I know they do that at my parents house.

And I'm sorry, I don't think it's unacceptable to ask a person who lives in a rural area with well water and doesn't matter if they take a 30 minutes shower, to be mindful that they are not the only ones who need to shower and water is expensive.

The bottom line is, we know how things go at my parents house and it's unacceptable and won't be tolerated at our house. I can understand that if someone had a normal family they would be put off by that. But our family isn't normal. I also had to say no psychic readings, tarot cards, crystal balls, crystal infused magic water, reading of tea leaves, auras, handwriting analysis, burning of incense, faith healings, or other mystic activities.

Peanutz21 · November 2013

hmm this is a tough one

i am in favor of your "house rules" - the basic respectful items like no eating in areas other than dining and kitchen area and not putting shoes on furniture, etc. this is absolutely understandable.

however, as you are "hosting" it is the polite thing to provide food while they are here; otherwise you should politely ask them to stay elsewhere... i don't think you need to give them classy meals each time- maybe just like basic sandwiches - bread and cold cuts.

curlylocks3 · November 2013

I agree that it sounds like you don't want them there at all. I think rules about feet on the couch, eating in the kitchen are normal. No issues in my mind with the no smoking in the house thing either. I don't really understand the well water thing but maybe you could present it more as reminding people that there are 17 people sharing x number of bathrooms.
There is no way to make the food thing anything but rude. You could ask the other adults to chip in on food but there is no polite way to say they can't eat your food.
I think everyone would be happier if they don't stay with you. There is no way they'll meet your list of demands and it will ultimately just cause more drama and tension.

katekat8721 · November 2013

@becommingmommyagain - I don't understand why you're having sis stay with you if you know how horrible she is already when she visits your parents? If it's a money issue, I'd see if it's more cost effective for you and hubby to help chip in for a hotel room for them rather than have them stay with you. You may pay like $200 let's say, but realistically how much are you going to spend those 5 days that they're with you?

Is there a chance that if you send the rules to them early that it may piss sis off and she'll decide to stay somewhere else? If not, it sounds like your mom is a reasonable person, could she try talking to sis to help back you up?

becomingmommyagain · November 2013

Problem solved. I guess I know my family pretty well.
Talked to my mom and sister over google chat. Told her we're glad they can come up but brought up the concerns and she agreed 100% with everything. She asked me to send her the agenda/schedule/rules and she'd make sure she talked to her kids and husband before so they know.
She also agreed that we should go grocery shopping together for the group meals and that she'd take care of snacks for her family.

So, I guess its a family culture thing and my first thoughts were right on target. Thanks everyone for input!

katekat8721 · November 2013

That's wonderful it all worked out! Now you can focus on the baby, and cooking the turkey for Thanksgiving :-)

ForevAAROSE · November 2013

I think we all have that family member. My aunt has 4 kids who are so misbehaved all the time, eat loads of junk, throw themselves on the couches and all the things you can think of. Their apartment isn't dirty but its a damn mess because she doesn't parent her children, she yells at them. They came down for the holidays a few Years back and I was terrified they would ask to stay with us. I hada serious aanxiety issue. Thank god my mom realized how much anxiety I was having and paid for a hotel for them. I seriously run a tight ship.and keep our condo so well maintained. We work hard for all that we have and I don't want anyone running down on it.

I agree with you, the food situation I would ask for some funds and do the shopping together since youre supplying thanksgiving dinner and a free stay. I totally get the shower thing. Just let them all know that everyone has to shower and do a 10 minute limit. (My mom.often has a ton of people over and she lets everyone know, after all the water bill is outrageous $1000 every three months geese). I agree. I come from a huge family with 4 brothers and 1 sister plus thier families so I get it.

Enjoy the holiday!

becomingmommyagain · November 2013

@forevaarose I was stressing because our water bill is $300 every three months! Where does your mom live? Our utilities are pretty high for the mid west.

ForevAAROSE · November 2013

Were in NJ. My dad owns a trucking business and mechanic shop on the property also. Between that, sprinklers, showers for a gazillion people, and regular water use it averages $800-$1000 every three months so I def understand.

whoberry · November 2013

I am glad you got everything sorted out but I am curious- how are you able to handle 15 people staying at your house!?!? That sounds like it's going to be rough! Good luck!