Is it worth saying anything to exh?

Sigir

My dd's hair is never brushed well after she comes back from her dad's. I know what happens bc it happens here if I let it- she does not brush all the tangles out on her own and can't do a part. So he must let her do her own brushing.

Also, her hair looks greasy often. I know that sometimes she does not rinse out the conditioner well, so if I suspect that is happening I check it. I am guessing he does not.

Knowing that any interaction btwn exh and I descends into a nightmare, is it worth pointing these things out to him as nicely as I can? I would normally say no, it's not worth it, but as she gets older I want her to look her best at school.

Appreciate your feedback.

dannie2011

Not worth it. She will get better as she gets older.

Ilumine

What type of hair does she have?

You have seen pictures of Monkey right?  She has the very short, tightly stacked in the back bob for a reason. 

Not that Mama is a forward thinking, hip hairstyling toddler to preschooler parent.  No!

Mama be lazy.  

Brushing hair, putting it in bows and barrettes and rubberbands....Fvck that scheisse.  

I literally wash her hair at night and dry it off with a towel.  I don't even have to brush it into place.  

And because it is a short cut, needing a trim every 6 weeks (and yes, I am way ok with spending the $12 at Master Cuts to do it every 6 weeks) it always looks healthy, not that raggedy, nasty dry hair most toddler girls have. 

CUT IT. 

Pinkpenguin+

I'd let it go. Work on teaching her how to take better care of it at home, or like Illumine said, cut it shorter so she can care for it herself easier. With the way things have been between you and your ex lately this isn't worth the argument.

Littlejen22

Buy her The Wet Brush, it is awesome for tangles. Amazon even sells a two pack so she had bring one to his house to leave. Disclaimer, DD has fine hair although mine is medium and it works awesome.

As for conditioner. Maybe try to figure out a trick to get her to do a better job. Maybe have her step out of the water flow and feel for the slimy areas. And show her exactly where she misses it.

Wahoo

Not worth it.  Would you like it if he criticized something you did in your home? 

I buy no more tangles for my DD.  You might send some over.  Also, maybe think about braiding her hair when you send her over. 

She will get better when she gets older. 

SimpleJane

Is she preteen aged? Most preteen kids that I see in the salon don't brush their hair well. They also have greasy nasty scalps mostly from improper washing, not conditioner residue, and also because puberty hormones cause an extreme increase in the oil made there.

I spent 3 hours the other day combing out dreadlocks from the underneath of a crying preteen girls hair because she wasn't brushing properly. It was either that or cut it to the scalp.

What I'm trying to say is that if her scalp is greasy she most likely needs a good clairifying, non drying shampoo like PM TeaTree. She also needs to be taught how to properly scrub her scalp, not the midsection or ends of her hair. Most kids that age have no idea how to properly clean their scalp. Next time you take her for a trim you can ask the stylist to show her.

Also, if she can't brush it herself and brush it well, I would seriously consider cutting it short. Or she could come back from a weekend with dad and you could be faced with the same choice my clients parents had, spend A LOT of money to have those mats combed out for hours, or cut it to the scalp.

Sigir

She is 9, so she is very opinionated about her hair style, and she would be very upset to cut it short.  So far, I don't think it has been a big enough issue for me to have to go there, I just can't stand how it looks when she comes back from his house.  So far, we manage it very well at my house, but whenever she has been at dad's her scalp is greasy and it was not combed well.  Not dreadlocks, because she is not at dads for a long period of time, but how it looks is what I would call 'ratty'.

I noticed this at my house, and started going into the bathroom while she showered for about a week to observe her shampooing  - it was "shampoo inspection" (said in a joking way, she enjoyed it).  She was not shampooing her scalp or getting up a lather at all, and then putting conditioner on only her scalp!  So we nipped that in the bud and she is very good at it now, if it starts to look grungy again I say "tonight it's shampoo inspection!" and I see how she is doing to make sure she has not slipped back into bad habits.  

Re brushing, so far no matter what I do she is not catching on and can't do it by herself.  she'll brush the ends but not the scalp.  So I have been working with her on it, but that has been a slower process.  

I am going to keep it up and hope the good habits start translating over to her dad's house.  I just don't want her to feel put in the middle, because last night I did ask her if she washed out the conditioner when she was at her dad's house.  Maybe I should not have said that, but it was SO greasy last night I could not help myself.  It really bothers me - I guess it is more a 'me' issue that I have to get over.

I guess I will just monitor and see how it is going, but thanks for the opinions and ideas... I am not going to say anything to exh bc it is not worth the shitstorm.  

ambrvan

When I notice poor self care after SD has been at someone else's house, I talk to her about it. I definitely would have asked her about the conditioner at her dad's house. You're not spotlighting her dad, your hosting her for her own body. And at 9 she should be old enough for that.

Maybe I feel this way because we have had to teach SD about privacy and responsibility for her own body at a very early age for safety reasons. But they can take care of themselves. SD is 7.5, and I bet rarely have to talk to her about it anymore. We were doing the things you are doing now (shampoo inspection) and a few other things at about 4-5yo. She had only in the last year learned how to brush her own hair and still needs help on occasion. I make her do it herself again if she missed some so that she gets it down pat. And if she missed shampoo or conditioner, I make her get back in the shower and do it again. Not to be mean, but because resistivity for her body is a little kid important than average for our situation.

If your relationship with BD was better, I would say something because it sounds like typical things men overlook in regards to girls. But considering the reality, I would not say anything. I would keep doing what you are doing at home. Hold her accountable for how her hair and body is cared for even when not with you.

But be careful to explain the difference in that properly washed and brushed hair is healthy and that it's not about looks. It's a fine line to walk. You don't want to end up creating self esteem issues about never being good enough for you. My mom did that to me, and now I realize she was just trying to reach me good habits. It wasn't really about my looks. But the way she went about it was hard to get over. I am still working on that today.

SimpleJane

I think you should definitely talk to her about it. Like Ambrvan said, don't make it about XH, make it about DD being responsible for taking care of her own body.

acbfreire

American girl has a cute book about taking care of yourself. It goes into body changes too. Since she is 9, may be a good buy.
We got it for SD when she was 8... I am going to get her the 2nd book now.
Don't go into it with XH... not worth it.