Second trimester loss- going in for induction tomorrow- please help

sunflwra

Hi ladies-  sorry to jump in like this but I guess that's unfortunately what happens often here.  I went in for my 20 week anatomy scan yesterday and found the baby with no heartbeat or blood flow. He was measuring just under 16 weeks. My OB is wonderful and gave us some good information on what comes next but much of it fell on deaf ears as everything was still sinking in.  I understand that I have to go to the hospital and basically give birth to this baby. I feel like that's the cruelest part.

I'm hoping we'll find some answers as to what caused this.  I had genetic testing done at 12 weeks and everything was normal, so that removes the majority of that possibility.  I've not been around anyone sick (that I'm aware of) or been ill myself. I have a 2 year old daughter and it was a totally healthy pregnancy, so I guess that makes this loss even more of a mystery.

Anyways, any guidance, information, etc that you ladies could share would be much appreciated, especially about what to expect in the hospital. While i'm sorry that this board has to exist, I'm very thankful for the resource.

jess123456

Many many hugs to you. I am so sorry for your loss. It always saddens me to have to welcome new loss moms here but please know that you have found an amazingly supportive place filled with those who understand. Our stories are all a little different fron each other but everyone here understands the pain of losing a child. Please be gentle with yourself and know that you aren't alone. Allow those around you to help you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Noethola

***Siggy warning***

I am so very sorry for your loss. The next few days and weeks are going to be very hard, so please be gentle with yourself and your family.

First off, please do not blame yourself. Sometimes this just happens, and we do not have answers as to why. I have never gotten a conclusive answer as to why our daughter passed at 36 weeks. Its easy to beat yourself up, but do your best to not go there. 

I agree with PPs. If you are up to holding your baby, do so. These are the memories you will have of your little one. They will be precious to you, even at the same time they may be painful. For us, we held her and loved on her, as did family that came to the hospital. We took pictures and created a memory book. There are days I love too look at it and days I cant. That is ok. 

Someone suggested to us to take a little stuffed animal that we wanted to kind of represent her. We chose a curly headed bear, not knowing all the hair she would have! But this bear was in our pictures with her, on bad nights I sleep with it, and will be in family pictures in the future. 

You are allowed to dress and bathe your baby if you want to. We kept locks of hair and the hospital baby cap. We got her footprints, I suggest asking for hand prints too. 

Make yourself comfortable when you get to the hospital. If you want the pain meds, take them. If you dont want to, then dont. You will be making decisions you never expected to have to make for your baby. Make them one at a time, and if you dont feel ready to make a decision, its ok to take time to make it. 

Again, I am so very sorry. 

VyD81

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Like everyone said, take pictures, hold your baby, etc. The mementos will help you coup emotionally. If you haven't pick a name for him yet, you may want to. The journey ahead is not easy, we're here for you and understand.

Hugs.

mingaling2

Oh no, I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. 

You've gotten a lot of good advice already from PP. Just know you can take your time and spend it with him as much as you are entitled to - hold your baby and be with him as much as you want. 

Here is a "birth plan" for a 20-30 week stillbirth in the hospital. A check list of sorts for this situation. I wish I had seen something like this before we had gone in, but here is the link:  https://www.stillbirthday.com/20-30-weeks-birth-plan/

Also, be prepared for the possibility of not finding an answer. We did all the autopsy tests and there was no indication of anything to explain why we lost her at 21 weeks. I found that more upsetting than knowing it was something in particular.

Hugs, sweetie. Please know we are here for you.

kz's_girlygirl

I am so so sorry for your loss  

Like PP's have said, if you want to hold your baby, name him, baptize him or have any sort of religious/spiritual leader there to perform a rite you can, you can bathe him, dress him and just hold him and study his fingers and toes.  If someone can take pictures for you,and make hand/foot molds and prints those will be tangible things you can treasure if you choose. 

I might also suggest bringing a blanket that you pick out especially for your child.  The hospital will provide one for you to wrap him in and then take home, but I wish I would have been able to wrap him in one that I had chosen or made.  I knit tons of things for other people's children, but not having something for my child was heartbreaking.

Jesse was born at 17 wks, and was very small and fragile, he had very thin pink/red skin, but perfectly formed.

I chose to have an epidural during before the induction even began so I would not have to endure additional physical pain on top of everything else.  It ended up not working because of a combination of placement and my anatomy, but know that you can have any of the meds you want to make you as comfortable as possible if you choose. 

We did elect to have an autopsy (if insurance doesn't cover it, some hospitals will pay for it-mine did) as well as chromosomal testing of the placenta.  We don't have any answers either, and sometimes that is really difficult, but sometimes it is a blessing.

Nothing will really prepare you for the moment you meet your child, but know that we are all here for you, and sending comforting thoughts and loving prayers. 

BrittianyM

So very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

sunflwra

Thank you ladies- I so appreciate this. I know second trimester losses are more rare but I was surprised at how little information I could find out there.  I hadn't even thought about having to decide if we would see/hold him, etc. Definitely something to think about. I'm trying not to think about the why too much so there's less disappointment if they don't find a specific reason for this.  I'm also trying to focus on the fact that I have a happy and healthy daughter and am hopeful it means that this was just a horrible fluke situation.  Thank you again for your support to a total stranger- it means a lot.

bunnybun4

I am so sorry you are dealing with this and for the loss of your LO.

you have gotten a lot of excellent advice from pp's.  I actually had a D&E done instead of an induction so that might be an option for you if you really don't want to basically give birth.  (I didn't have a choice due to my circumstances which were much different from yours)...I would call your OB if you feel up to it and just get him to talk you through the induction or ask if a d&e is an option.

I really do wish I got to hold my daughter though and you won't get that option with a D&E...at the time I don't think I would've chosen to but looking back I would %100 want to hold her and spend some time with her.

((HUGS))

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY WARNING***




I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. PPs have definitely given you some great advice, and I really don't have much to add. I unexpectedly lost my son at 34 weeks last year, and I know this will not be easy - but please try to be gentle on yourself. You did nothing wrong, even though that's probably a little hard to believe at this point [I still blame myself some days for my loss, even though there really was nothing I could have done differently]. Take all the time you want with your baby, do what you feel is best for you, and please lean on us if you need. We are here for you. **HUGS**

CRUN2012

I'm so sorry for your loss but I am glad you found this board as it is extremely helpful.

I was induced at 26 weeks after learning that my baby boy had no heartbeat. The drs and nurses at my hospital were amazing and had specific teams of people and resources to help us through.

My best advice is to ask about all the options. I was able to get any meds I asked for to keep me comfortable. My husband and I and our families were encouraged to hold the baby after he was born. We also took a lot of pictures. Some parents even dress and bathe the baby. I know for me even though it was hard it was an incredible time to make the only memories I will ever have with my baby.

We also had a small memorial service both at a funeral home and his gravesite which really helped us as it acknowledged that our baby was here!

Also I was encouraged to be honest with my caregivers and family to let them know exactly what I needed. I discussed my concerns and fears with my nurses and doctor and they helped prepare me for what was to come.

Anyway...good luck to you during this difficult time and as pp have said be kind to yourself as there is no right or wrong way to get through this.

Also the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart is very helpful too.

Lots of love to your family at this time.

irons633

I am so sorry for your loss. As PP's stated this is never an easy place to be. I do recommend holding your baby. I regret not holding my son when I lost him last year, but I did hold my daughter when I lost her at 27 weeks last month. Take as much time you need to make the decisions that they will ask of you. We are all here for you. Thoughts and prayers to you as you embark on this difficult time.

shandorfml2

I am so sorry for having to welcome you here, and the loss of your sweet baby. It's going to be a difficult few months. Lean on us when you need to. ((hugs)))

stefuge

I am so sorry for your loss. This board and these women have been such a blessing for me.

PPs have given lots of good advice - I just want to throw in my two cents. Holding our son, taking photos, naming him, all of this was so important for us, and at the time I didn't think I wanted any of it, but now, looking back, it is all we have. Those memories, photos, handprints, footprints, locks of hair will mean so much in the weeks and months to come, so ask for them if you want. Also, no one told us that an autopsy was the best way to get answers, and I so regret not having one done.

Thinking of you in the days ahead. ((Hugs))

sunflwra

Thank you ladies so much.  I'm still a bit torn on whether or not to see/hold him.  I think my biggest fear is that since he's measuring small (just under 16 weeks), seeing him so frail and tiny might make it worse versus keeping the sweet picture I have of him in my mind. My husband thinks it would be different if we were further along but is scared of the same thing I am. I'm letting myself go with whatever I'm feeling at the time but I also know that if I decide to see him, I may be doing it on my own and that brings another element of difficulty to things.  It just sucks and these are not choices you should have to make regarding your own child.

schulme2

I'm so sorry, lots of prayers to you and your family. I hope you find some answers, but as many women will agree... Sometimes it really doesn't help explain why. Big hugs to you.

jess123456

Hugs. Perhaps since he is so small and if you decide to not hold him, a nurse or someone can take a photo of him for you if you wish? I have friends who were in a similar situation and opted to do that because they had similar thoughts of him being so small. Many prayers to you and your family. We are always here for you too.

angelsnight

Ticker warning

I'm so sorry for your loss; we lost our daughter at 22 weeks last March.  I wasn't induced, I was in PTL so she was still alive right up until birth, I suspect it was the birth that actually took her because she was just too small. 

Once she was born, the nurse took her and cleaned her up and put her in a small dress and wrapped her in a blanket.  They asked if we wanted to hold her and we said yes, so she handed her to me.  Your sweet angel was very close in gestational age, so just to give you a reference, my angel was 1 pound 1.6 ounces and she was beautiful....she looked just like a newborn but miniature.

Don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do, but I highly suggest taking pictures....even if you aren't comfortable at the time, you can always tuck them away somewhere until someday you are, if ever.  But if you don't take them at all, you may end up regretting it.  I cannot give any advice on holding your baby...for me it was never something I was sure I would want to do before I was in the situation, but the nursed asked me while I was still in labor and I said yes without a doubt.

We got to hold her and be with her for the rest of the day, she spent the night in the crib next to my bed and we had her until about noon the next day when the funeral home came to get her.  Those precious hours we spent holding her were all we would ever get, and those memories will be forever locked in my heart.  Big hugs to you sweetie, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.