Miscarriage, thoughts and experience Part 2 UPDATE

Glow360

• I had a dream last night that I was beautifully pregnant, six months a long floating in and under the waters of a warm ocean, it reminded me of a womb. I was so peaceful and then as I floated and swam peacefully along, I started seeing jellyfish and they started stinging me, it was painful and I was tangled in the pain of jellyfish tentacles, the ocean filled with blood and I wept, realizing I was reliving what the baby may have experienced. I woke up last night and wept. I can't seem to stop crying at random times in the day. It is a powerful feeling beyond what I have known, something I can't describe. It comes in waves. Yesterday, I went for my HCG levels after Saturdays ER visit. A part of me, doesn't want to hear the results because I already know. The doctors and OB nurses have been very supportive, sometimes they call and check in and I have them tell me again, what has happened. I feel stupid because I am having a hard time processing this and I have to be told because I find myself stuck in a little bit of denial, like maybe I overreacted and I didn't miscarriage, sometimes it is normal to feel cramping and others have said they bled and passed clots. Denial and rationalizing my irrational thoughts....I guess this is the process of grief. I started buying stuff yesterday for my one and only child, $400.00 worth of clothes, I couldn't stop. I was overwhelmed with the idea that I had to make up for losing this pregnancy, that I still have a child and how selfish could I be to not be focusing on him.....more irrational thought. Luckily, he did actually need the clothes and had planned on going shopping and it worked out, but I bought in a fog-like shopping for my child made me feel better. Obviously, not good to do all the time, so I decided that if I didn't start a plan for myself to get through this, I wasn't going to make it through this. I made a list of what I can do, my list follows

 

 

• I am going to attend a Miscarriage/loss of pregnancy meeting.
• Focus on bringing my life back to a balance
• When I am feeling physically better, join a Gym.
• I am going to keep taking my prenatal pills, keep my OB appointment for the 26th of November
• I am going to keep a journal
• Plan on eating healthy, taking care of myself and rest when I need it

Today, I am still cramping. Still taking Tylenol and still spotting. I do not have a flow of blood or period like bleeding, just clots and spotting still. I think it is a good sign that I am not bleeding badly, but I was told yesterday to come in if I start bleeding badly. I find myself to be exhausted-naturally that would be the case. I think as my HCG levels go down, it messes with my hormones, so I am still powerfully charged and feeling out of sorts. Foggy brained, teary eyed and nauseated a bit. Today is better in the physical symptom department, feeling more normal every day. My body is doing a good job of trying to heal, so now it is my hearts turn to try to heal from this emotionally.