Need to vent & advice-marriage!

Magallyta

Hi all,
I really hope no one will judge me but I prefer to vent on here than tell my family & friends about it. My husband is a great dad & husband only complain is that he smokes p*t(not sure if you can say this on the board) a few times a week. It really bothers me & he stopped for a while when I was pregnant & now with our beautiful little daughter he started again. He most definitely does not smoke in the house or does he have any of it at home. I have warned him that 1 day I would snap if he did not stop. Well last night I snapped! He went outside while I was putting my daughter to bed & I called him on cell asking him where he was. He never denies it or hides the fact that he does do it. I got SOO pissed that I locked him out of the house for hours. We got into a huge fight over the phone & he was very mad at me for doing what I did- was I wrong for doing that? I mean he does not get that he did something wrong too!

 

Any thoughts?

Sugaree5335

My gut reaction is that it's just pot.  Depending on where you live it might not even be illegal.  However, my first husband was an addict.  I thought pot addicts were a myth until I met this man.  He refused to give up smoking at home, so I refused to have a child with him.  That's pretty much what led to the demise of our marriage.  Not so much the getting high, but the putting something else before us and our marriage. It could have been drinking, or golf, or watching baseball, or any number of other hobbies and the result would have been the same. 

That being said, just because I don't think smoking pot is a big deal doesn't mean that you don't think it's a big deal and he should respect that. 

melmcdaniel07

I agree with the last post.  I'm assuming you guys talked about this before you got pregnant?  Did he say he'd stop, or at the time were you ok with things as they were?  If that's the case it's hard to get upset with him now.  However, he does need to realize that if what he is doing is illegal then it could pose major issues if he got caught/arrested/fined, etc.  A burden that isn't really fair to your or your daughter.  Without locking him out of the house ;o), you should try to tell him what your major concerns and fears are.  Good luck!

pantsarella

MrsMuq said:

Real simple - if he gets caught with pot he could go to jail. Does he really want to visit his daughter from jail, or leave you to be a single parent?

Get him to a drug counseling center, or a counselor who can help refer you.

If he doesn't stop, and this is a non-negotiable subject for you, have the wherewithal down the road that you may have to leave him, taking your daughter with you.

This. Assuming you're in the US, of course, pot is illegal unless you have a prescription. I would say sit him down and talk to him about your concerns (sounds like you've done that). Or find a couples counselor who can help facilitate the conversation and maybe get him to understand your point of view. 

If he refuses to change and it's a non-negotiable for you, you should take your daughter and leave. Honestly, it would be a non-negotiable for me. I wouldn't be ok with my DH engaging in illegal behavior (drug-related or otherwise) routinely or with him being in an altered state around our child. 

cinderin

pantsarella said:

MrsMuq said:

Real simple - if he gets caught with pot he could go to jail. Does he really want to visit his daughter from jail, or leave you to be a single parent?

Get him to a drug counseling center, or a counselor who can help refer you.

If he doesn't stop, and this is a non-negotiable subject for you, have the wherewithal down the road that you may have to leave him, taking your daughter with you.

This. Assuming you're in the US, of course, pot is illegal unless you have a prescription. I would say sit him down and talk to him about your concerns (sounds like you've done that). Or find a couples counselor who can help facilitate the conversation and maybe get him to understand your point of view. 

If he refuses to change and it's a non-negotiable for you, you should take your daughter and leave. Honestly, it would be a non-negotiable for me. I wouldn't be ok with my DH engaging in illegal behavior (drug-related or otherwise) routinely or with him being in an altered state around our child. 

all good points. 

just FYI - pot is legal in Washington State (you don't need a prescription). 

he sounds like an addict. I would request he seek treatment and you attend alanon. 

henderson1026

I assume you were asking if it was wrong to lock him out of the house?  Yes - that was incredibly childish and completely unproductive.  Adults do not "learn their lesson" by being treated like dogs.  Nor do children, before that ever happens...

BlondieBia21

Do you want your child around pot? I know I sure wouldn't. Yes, it was childish of you to lock him out. You will have to learn to talk about your problems, not avoid them. 

CaliforniaDream87

Dude, you locked your H out of the house? How about COMMUNICATE with him and let him know you think he needs help. COMMUNICATE that you ARE no longer willing to deal with this, and come up with a game plan that both of you agree with.

Locking him out of the house seems extremely dramatic.

Leothelion2013

I think you are over reacting.... I dont understand why drinking is ok for people when so much bad comes from it. I would rather my husband do that than anything else. 

BlondieBia21

Leothelion2013 said:

I think you are over reacting.... I dont understand why drinking is ok for people when so much bad comes from it. I would rather my husband do that than anything else. 

Drinking is okay when it is in limitation. Drinking is also not illegal in most states like pot is. Two different things. Everything is about limitations and not abusing it. OP's H is abusing a drug.

Magallyta

Hi all I appreciate your feedback & I know some may think I overreacted with locking him out but I had it!! I tolerated it for quite sometime already & I feel he thought I was ok with it which clearly I am not. I think I have been too busy concentrating on the baby that I should have sit him down to talk first before snapping.

 

WheeLinTheSky3

Magallyta said:

Hi all I appreciate your feedback & I know some may think I overreacted with locking him out but I had it!! I tolerated it for quite sometime already & I feel he thought I was ok with it which clearly I am not. I think I have been too busy concentrating on the baby that I should have sit him down to talk first before snapping.

When someone is already doing something repeatedly that you have asked them to stop doing and they keep doing it...a baby, a marriage, locking them out, etc. is not going to change it.  You may be telling him that you aren't ok with it but having a baby together and staying with him is telling him another message.  That message being "I keep telling you to stop, and you don't, but its ok because we can still be together anyway". 

MrsArrow

Kristin030 said:

Magallyta said:

Hi all I appreciate your feedback & I know some may think I overreacted with locking him out but I had it!! I tolerated it for quite sometime already & I feel he thought I was ok with it which clearly I am not. I think I have been too busy concentrating on the baby that I should have sit him down to talk first before snapping.

When someone is already doing something repeatedly that you have asked them to stop doing and they keep doing it...a baby, a marriage, locking them out, etc. is not going to change it.  You may be telling him that you aren't ok with it but having a baby together and staying with him is telling him another message.  That message being "I keep telling you to stop, and you don't, but its ok because we can still be together anyway". 

This!