Need to vent & advice-marriage!

Magallyta

Hi all,
I really hope no one will judge me but I prefer to vent on here than tell my family & friends about it. My husband is a great dad & husband only complain is that he smokes p*t(not sure if you can say this on the board) a few times a week. It really bothers me & he stopped for a while when I was pregnant & now with our beautiful little daughter he started again. He most definitely does not smoke in the house or does he have any of it at home. I have warned him that 1 day I would snap if he did not stop. Well last night I snapped! He went outside while I was putting my daughter to bed & I called him on cell asking him where he was. He never denies it or hides the fact that he does do it. I got SOO pissed that I locked him out of the house for hours. We got into a huge fight over the phone & he was very mad at me for doing what I did- was I wrong for doing that? I mean he does not get that he did something wrong too!

 

Any thoughts?

katiegal

Why does it bother you? Is he acting irresponsibly, ie: spending too much money on it, neglecting you or your kids, skipping work, etc? Personally, I'd rather him smoke it in the house like a garage or basement rather than outside where he could get caught. If he's being responsible and using it to wind down or relax, it wouldn't bother me. As a PP mentioned, is this new behavior? People don't always change and if you knew about his pot smoking before you got married then you probably won't change him now. Good luck with it.

Magallyta

Hey ladies, thank you for your comments! I was not sure if I overreacted by locking him out of the house. Yes, he is a very responsible parent, husband, worker &uses it to unwind & relax! What bothers me is that he does it in his car & our neighbors could possibly see him or get caught! I guess to me it was a deal-breaker & I knew about it before we got marriage. I really thought he would change but i guess I was wrong
 

DiveFrog

I can totally understand how your feelings over a behavior that you may have tolerated, but didn't particularly care for shifted to something you can't abide at all after having a child. You just can't always predict some of the changes that a child will cause.

I will say that there are a few things DH does (although none illegal) that I wasn't a huge fan of prior to having DD, but am now having a very difficult time accepting at all, but I am able to talk these things through with DH and we have for the most part come to agreements that work for both of us.

I do think your reaction and the way you are dealing with these feelings of yours is fairly immature and unfair to your DH...locking him out with essentially no warning, or previous recent discussion seems pretty childish, and certainly isn't going to have him listen and respect your position and potentially change his ways.

If you two can't discuss the issue calmly and rationally, or cannot reach an agreement on the topic you should most definitely use a few counseling sessions.

Mustardseed2007

Locking him out may have been unfair, but doing an illegal drug (sounds like it is illegal in your state) is totally immature as well. And I would not only be worried about him getting caught while smoking, but also while purchasing it.

I'm not sure what fixes this though. It's the kind of thing that you either see it as a problem or you don't.

BTW, I wouldn't let him get away with excusing his behavior with - well you knew I did this before we got married - type of thing. I'd say it's time to grow up or get out.

C12H22O11

If you have a problem with it, then it's a problem. Locking him out wasn't your most mature move, but I can understand your frustration.

As with many other things in marriage, you have to be on the same page or you'll become resentful, angry, etc. It may sound harsh, but you knew he enjoyed this before you got married. He probably assumed you were ok with it. It sounds like some counseling may be in order. I doubt this is something he'll stop cold turkey and I doubt you'll suddenly become ok with it.

dglvrk2

katiegal said:

Why does it bother you? Is he acting irresponsibly, ie: spending too much money on it, neglecting you or your kids, skipping work, etc? Personally, I'd rather him smoke it in the house like a garage or basement rather than outside where he could get caught. If he's being responsible and using it to wind down or relax, it wouldn't bother me. As a PP mentioned, is this new behavior? People don't always change and if you knew about his pot smoking before you got married then you probably won't change him now. Good luck with it.

A devil's advocate here:  Like PP said, really ask yourself why it bothers you. I know for some, just it being illegal is enough.  For others it uncovers childhood / family problems etc.   

I have many friends who partake occasionally and it does not interfere with other parts of their lives.  They're completely responsible parents, professionals and friends.  Something to think about....

I too think having him do it in a garage or some other discrete place is better.  However, I highly doubt he'll give it up on his own.  

nosoup4u

You're overreacting. If he's using it recreationally and it's not interfering with his life, then let him do it. Imagine if it was beer, would it bother you if he had one or two a few nights a week? It's really not cool to lock someone out of the house bc you're mad at him, I would apologize and think about counseling if you guys are at an impasse about this.

I'm scratching my head at the people who think smoking pot is wrong only if it's illegal.

shakinros

katiegal said:

Why does it bother you? Is he acting irresponsibly, ie: spending too much money on it, neglecting you or your kids, skipping work, etc? Personally, I'd rather him smoke it in the house like a garage or basement rather than outside where he could get caught. If he's being responsible and using it to wind down or relax, it wouldn't bother me. As a PP mentioned, is this new behavior? People don't always change and if you knew about his pot smoking before you got married then you probably won't change him now. Good luck with it.

All of this. I'm married to a pot smoker too. He smoked before we were together; I knew about it and I said it didn't bother me. Once I got pregnant, I felt differently about smelling the smoke so we talked and he switched to a vaporizer. Hasn't been a problem for us since.

I think if you have a problem with it, then he should hear you out and work with you to find a solution. But you have to name what exactly is a problem for you.

coolwhipz1

I probably have a different opinion than most other ladies here but I personally don't see the big deal. I also live in Denver (where is it legal), where I saw three different people smoking outside in the open in my two hour lunch date with my friend. People just don't think much of it here.

I understand that it bothers you, so is there a way you can compromise? Like maybe he can only smoke after you've gone to bed, or at the very least after the baby is sleeping?

If it isn't impairing his ability to take care of the baby (which I doubt it is), or isn't smoking around the baby then I think you should let it go. You did know about this behavior prior.

 

RondackHiker

Yes, locking him out of the house for hours was a major overreaction.

Virgo17

I agree with others that locking him out was not the most mature way of handling it.  However, if this is something that really bothers you now that there is a child involved, you need to have a frank discussion with him.

My DH gets random drug tests at work, so he would not partake in pot smoking because of the risk of losing his job.  However, I don't think I would want him doing it anyway.  I feel like it's something people do in high school and then grow up.  Maybe you could help him find another way to relieve some stress that would work.

AmberDerek

I personally don't see the big deal. If he is a great Dad, Husband and Father and doesn't do it around you or the baby who cares?  If you do then it is a problem. If it were me I would not care. To each their own.

Mrs.RockyM

I think you definitely overreacted by locking him out of the house, but I don't think he should be doing anything illegal anywhere around your child. 

Agree or disagree, it's illegal and I'd be equally as concerned.  What if there's an emergency and he's high and can't help out, or what if your LO gets ahold of it and eats it, what if he gets busted and you lose your child, what if you or YH lose your job over it, just too many concerns in my opinion, and for me it would be a deal breaker.  Thing is, it's clearly who YH is even if it does bother you - so at a certain point he's got to decide what's more important.

sugarbear0524

I wouldn't like and wouldn't tolerate it, but I wouldn't lock my DH out. I absolutely hate the smell of smoke (cigarette, pipe, cigar, pot whatever) and am allergic to it so I married a non-smoker. I think that if he smoked before you married him you should expect him to keep smoking. I don't understand that expectation that he would magically change.

2-Step

katiegal said:

Why does it bother you? Is he acting irresponsibly, ie: spending too much money on it, neglecting you or your kids, skipping work, etc? Personally, I'd rather him smoke it in the house like a garage or basement rather than outside where he could get caught. If he's being responsible and using it to wind down or relax, it wouldn't bother me. As a PP mentioned, is this new behavior? People don't always change and if you knew about his pot smoking before you got married then you probably won't change him now. Good luck with it.

I agree. If it is something that is a deal breaker then I think you need to try counseling. It's going to be hard to change someone who doesn't want to change and had the habit from the day you married him. Unless you can approach him with your worries/questions and come up with a reasonable time/place when he can do it on his own time?  My biggest concern with pot around kids was always legal issues and incapacity to care for them/drive in an emergency, but it's legal here now, so I think setting some ground rules like- never when you are alone with the child, never when you drive and only on weekends etc. would be the best compromise for me in that situation, but you have to decide for yourself what you can tolerate.

Also, ask yourself what truly bothers you about it. Is it a safety thing? Alcohol is going to have many of the same issues, and if you use it responsibly it is not much different. Is it that you can't connect with him emotionally when he uses? Is it a legality thing? Then talk to him about those feelings and fears and how you can work together to make that better rather than making it all about just not liking that he has a vice.

laurakaz13

DaisyBlinks said:

nosoup4u said:

 I'm scratching my head at the people who think smoking pot is wrong only if it's illegal.

Really? You're confused by someone who thinks it's wrong for their spouse to do something that could get them arrested? 

Well, for example DH and I are military officers and smoking an illegal substance could get us kicked out of the military and we'd lose our retirement, healthcare and potentially leave with an other than honorable discharge, which would ruin any future job prospects. 

That would have quite the affect on DD and hence pot smoking wouldn't fly with our family.  Do I think pot should be legal?  Absolutely.  But it isn't yet federally legal. 

OP- I do think locking him out was immature.  But if getting caught or arrested is your reason, I would totally understand why you're pissed.  I would be too.