Sadness and anger all over again *A Kinda Long Vent*

diamante1181

Saturday we went to mass, which was dedicated to Sophie and Gabriel. Many of my co-workers showed up (including my boss), my really close friend and her family, and my mother went. For some reason, I didn't feel comfortable telling the rest of the family that we were having this mass in honor of my babies. It was nice, we really felt supported and loved, not so much for us, but for my little darlings. I felt a little better Saturday, but I have to say that since losing my babies, my patience with family is almost non-existent. My mom (for the second time) told me 'thanks for inviting me'. Here is my problem with that: #1 It's church, and one can safely assume that everyone on the planet is welcome to come through the doors #2 It made me feel as though her being there was not about supporting me and my dh, but about her being 'invited' #3 When we told her we were going to eat afterward, she awkwardly declined. I was so irritated and upset, I was seriously about to snap, and I have to assume Jesus saved her life since we were still inside the church. So, as hubby and I drove to the restaurant, he told me he feels that the babies are still around, because he can feel them. I have mixed emotions about this because: #1 I love my babies, but I don't want them to worry about us, because it's not their 'fault' what happened #2 I don't feel anything at all around me, perhaps because I'm too consumed with grief. 

I was thinking about them so much yesterday, that it caused me to dream about them. They looked so healthy, they were a little bit bigger than when they were born, and I actually got to 'mother' them in the dream, and take care of them. I hope that is a sign meaning they are okay. I cannot bear the thought of anything happening to them, even in the afterlife. I'm happy I saw them, and so sad that I had to wake up and leave them. Sometimes I talk to them, and I can't stop myself from crying, even now. I realize that every day I get a little bit better, but sometimes the improvement is marginal, and other days I relapse into the depression. It is devastatingly painful knowing that I could not protect my little ones, I couldn't keep them safe, that there was nothing I could do to prevent them leaving us and becoming little angels. I hate going outside and seeing newborns and pregnant people, with hope and love in their eyes, and I feel so destitute without my children. I would have only had a couple of more months to go. What will I do over the holidays? When my edd comes? Their angelversary? I feel that though my heart is broken, there will be so many more things that are to come that will devastate me further, and I don't know what will come of these things.

My mom and my MIL have commented to me how they want pics of Sophie and Gabriel. My problem with doing so is: #1 My mom fought me so hard when I asked her for pics of me (before everything happened) when I explained to her that I wanted to make an album of my baby pics for when the twins 'got here'. She adamantly refused.  #2 We don't have a plethora of keepsakes of the twins, and I can not part with anything I have of them, not even a picture. #3 My MIL, I'm aware, is simply curious as to who the babies look like, etc. #4 I think (and I perceive I may be 100% correct on this one) that they would overlook courtesy and propriety and post the pictures online. And our babies are not for show! I want to protect even their memory, and no one needs to be satisfying their curiosities with my precious angels. DH and I have decided that if anyone wants to see pics of them, they can come to our house and look at the photos. We were in the hospital by ourselves, suffering everything alone, partly my choice and partly not. I feel aggravated that even though yes, they are the grandmothers, they feel entitled to something of our children, when I just feel like everything needs to stay with us. I hope I'm not being a horrible person for this. These are our children, and I will not part with a single thing of theirs for the benefit and satisfaction of others, I can not and will not bring myself to do that.

If you had the patience to read all that, thank you. I had to let it out, because it was beginning to poison me

BrittianyM

Sending hugs your way sweetie!

kz's_girlygirl

Ugh!  I am so sorry   I can relate to this post in so many ways! 

I don't feel that Jesse is around me at all, and I haven't at any point.  I don't think this is bad though, because he truly is not here.  He is somewhere I can't understand or know until I get there, and I am trying really hard to come to terms with that.  Some folks feel a presence all the time, or some of the time and that is ok for them.  Whatever you feel is OK!  Regardless, I believe your babies knew you loved them with every fiber of your being, and wherever the sparks of their precious and unique souls now exists, I am confident they still know it. 

And, I am so glad you posted about your feelings regarding sharing photos.  I created a photo book on shutterfly with pics of ultrasounds, a few of my belly shots, and pictures from Jesse's birthday, and told my mom about it.  She asked to see it so I sent her the link.  She then wanted to order a copy to have at their house, and I told her I just wasn't comfortable with that.  My parents have a big shelving unit with tons of pics of my sisters and I on our wedding day's or with SO's, and all of the grandchildren (there are 3.)  I realize that she is trying to be supportive and show that Jesse is her grandchild, but I feel so protective of his pictures.

For Dh and I, those pictures are some of the only things we have and will ever have of our son.  We won't have more memories after those photos, we won't have the other special and secret times that other parents have- bedtime rituals, midnight snuggles after bad dreams, pancakes on Sunday mornings.  Those pictures are some of the only things we will ever be able to touch and be reminded of him.  They are sacred to us, and others (lucky for them) just don't understand the importance of that.    I don't want a visitor to randomly open up that photo book and see my child without me showing them.  Wanting to protect their memory and their legacy is completely understandable and I totally get it. 

I'm sending lots of love and understanding your way, and keeping Sophie and Gabriel in my thoughts

VyD81

I'm sorry you had a rough day. It's ok to feel the way you do, I'm glad you let it out. I can definitely relate. I only shared Raynor's pics to the only sister that is supportive. No one else asked, even if they did, I wouldn't share. The don't know my son like DH and I know him. Both of our families live far away, and didn't even see me pregnant, so they don't understand. When I was pregnant, my mom would tell everyone including relatives I haven't seen or talk to for years that I didn't get pregnant naturally, as if being infertile is not hard enough, now everyone knows. And now they will know me as the one whose son died in utero. I don't need the pity eyes nor hurtful comments. It's the fighter in me that's protecting my heart from more pain. My MIL on the other hand is a drama queen and somehow would make this about her. The tangible things are all I have left and too precious to share with others.

I don't feel Raynor around me, and I'm struggling with that. On one hand I want his soul to be in a good place, and on the other hand I'm upset that my mother instinct is not there to feel him. I was awaken by a strong scent of baby powder on Saturday that quickly vanished and I'm convincing myself that he visited. However, my mind could easily played tricks on me. I just don't know, and hopefully I will when I get there. 

I don't mean to rattle on, just want to let you know that you're not alone. Hugs. 

diamante1181

*sigh of relief* Thank you ladies, for taking the time to give me support and reassurance, and for reading that long post lol. I appreciate that you all shared something so personal with me here. I definitely don't feel as alone.

Everyone has wondered also whether they were conceived naturally. They are still wondering. That is information that's a 'need to know'. My mom was able to keep it secret, and only a few other family members know. Being an infertile is rough enough without everyone feeling entitled to know your business. When we get back to our RE, we are not telling anyone. And if the cycle(s) is/are successful, we will hold off for a long time (as long as possible) before telling anyone.

kz's_girlygirl

diamante1181 said:

Everyone has wondered also whether they were conceived naturally. They are still wondering. That is information that's a 'need to know'. My mom was able to keep it secret, and only a few other family members know. Being an infertile is rough enough without everyone feeling entitled to know your business. When we get back to our RE, we are not telling anyone. And if the cycle(s) is/are successful, we will hold off for a long time (as long as possible) before telling anyone.

I am super open about our fertility struggles and most people who knew I was pregnant (we live out of state from family/friends so it was easy to hide!) knew it was an IVF pregnancy.  That being said, we are not sharing when we plan to cycle again, and will keep that information quiet.  It's tough bc I stay with my parents during stims since our clinic is there in our hometown, but, Please Universe, when we get pregnant again, we are going to keep it our secret for as long as possible this time.  We shared at 16 wks last time, which felt like a long time to hold out, but I feel like I want to wait until we have a healthy baby in our arms if we are lucky enough to have a next time.

Dixon813

~~Siggy Warning~~





I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this drama!  The pictures you have of your precious babies are YOUR PICTURES!  If you aren't comfortable giving them the pictures (now or ever) then don't do it.  Maybe, if you're comfortable, offer to SHOW them the pictures, but that's it.  DH and I debated on showing extended family (brothers and sisters) pictures, but for some reason I just wasn't comfortable with it (at least not right now) and my therapist reminded me that if there's a little voice telling me not to do something, or that something is uncomfortable, or not what I want, there's a reason for that voice and that I should listen to it - many times I just need reminded of this. 

You need to do what's best for you during this extremely difficult time...Sending you some prayers!!