Don't mind this, I think I just needed to rattle off some thoughts.

Lilmissprine

Most people don't bring their babies home for the first time in an urn. Unfortunately, some of us do.

We had made arrangements at the hospital a few days ago, to have our daughter cremated. We held her for a long time, and I think I must have memorized every line on her face. I knew there were complications with my pregnancy, I knew there was a chance she wouldn't make it, but that didn't make it any less devastating when we held her, and we touched her, and we saw how perfect she was.

But we knew she was gone. When we left the hospital, we left her with them. The man from the funeral home would be picking her up in a few hours, and she would be cremated right away. I walked to the car with my husband and kept my head down in shame as we walked through the maternity ward. I am not angry at other mothers, of course. I'm thrilled that they have healthy babies, and I would hate to see any of them go through this pain. I just didn't want to see their faces, or look at the pity they may or may not be giving me.

When I walked out the door and the cold wind hit my face, I started bawling. Sobbing hysterically, more than I had the whole time I was in the hospital holding her. I sat down in the car and tried to sort through why I felt that way, and then it really hit me.

I was afraid she was lonely.

I knew it was irrational too. I knew I was crazy. Cady had passed away, she wasn't lonely. She wasn't scared or wanting her mother and father. She was in heaven. I still cried. I still thought it. I still felt it. I still had the instinct to run back in there and snatch her away. I didn't.

Tomorrow her urn will arrive. We ordered a special one, a beautiful statue of an angel holding an infant. It doesn't look like an urn at all. I'm anxious. I want it to arrive. Even though she's gone, she isn't really gone. I want to bring my baby home. Even if it's in an urn, she still belongs in our house. I'm angry that the mail carriers decided to take both sunday AND monday off.

I still know what I was feeling was irrational. I also feel like it was justified, an instinct that came with being a mother. To this very moment that was the hardest part for me. Leaving my baby with someone else hurt more than anything in the whole world, knowing that I really would never see her face again.

I'm really scared for what's to come. I've seen so many of you with your little tickers in your signatures. Even before my baby passed away, I looked at them and wondered how you could carry on for days, months, or years after losing a baby. You're all so brave, and so strong. You've all held your heads up this long, and I don't even think I can go back to work in a couple weeks without breaking down in tears. When Thursday rolls around, I'm not sure if I'll survive just knowing it's been a whole week.

It's so hard, and so unfair. I wish none of you ever had to experience it. I wish no one else ever did.

Noethola

***Siggy warning***

It is an incredibly hard journey. I am so very sorry for your loss of Cady. It was tremendous comfort to me when we received Elsie back. I hope today flies by so you are able to receive the urn tomorrow and have her back with you. 

kz's_girlygirl

I am so so sorry for your loss of beautiful Cady. 

I felt a sort of terror at not knowing "where" Jesse was/is.  For days after his death I remember feeling like he was lonely, lost, scared.  Because if he wasn't here with us, then where the heck was "he" - The essential spark that makes a person a person?  My husband firmly believes Jesse is in Heaven with DH's father and my uncle, and is safe and happy, but I am struggling with that. 

I've come to accept that rational thought is not always part of grief, and that is ok.  Our tears and sobs and feelings about the life and death of our babies don't have to be rational. 

I hope you are able to be gentle with yourself in the days and week ahead.  I wish none of us had to experience this pain, but I will be keeping you, your husband and Cady in my thoughts and prayers as you bring her home. 

mingaling2

Everything you wrote really hit home for me. I'm so sorry for your loss of your precious Cady. It was a tremendous relief to bring Coraline's cremains home to us.  Hugs.

diamante1181

I'm so sorry for your loss of Cady. I know all too well the emotions you wrote about. I just want to say, that a mother's instinct trumps all reason. They don't always mix, I realize. When we got the cremains for Sophie and Gabriel, we felt better. We still had a breakdown when we got home, and both cried like children. But overall better, because they belong home with their family. I hope you will be able to find peace to some degree. It is not easy, but not all days will be bad, I find. Sending you warm hugs.

BrittianyM

So very sorry for the loss of your sweet Cady. My circumstances were different but I could have written the same feelings. We are all here for you when ever you need us.

VyD81

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby girl, Cady. This journey is not easy at all. It's ok to feel the way you do. I also knew that there was a chance my baby was not going to make it, but it doesn't make the pain any easier. All the ladies on this board are very supportive and we're here for you.

I'm sorry you have to be here. Hugs.

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY WARNING***



I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Cady. I remember feeling the exact same way when I left the hospital without my son; walking through those doors empty handed was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I barely slept the first night I was home because I was also afraid he was lonely, even though he was already gone. I just wanted to hold him, to protect him, and to never let him go...even though I knew that would never happen. We also had Devon cremated, and it was such a sense of relief and completion to have him home with us.

I wish none of us had to go through this. Please know that we are here for you whenever you need us. Sending lots of hugs your way.

AJCagle82

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Cady. Your feelings are completely normal. I remember the day we left the hospital my husband had to help dress me. I couldn't make that move. For some reason, knowing we were under the same roof gave me comfort. I couldn't stand the thought of not being in the same place as Parker Jane. I felt like I was letting her down as her mother by leaving her there. My husband kept reminding me that to get her back home with us where she belongs, we have to take these difficult steps. Every step still felt impossible. 

When we picked up her urn and ashes, there was a sense of comfort knowing that she was back with us. There is also a sense of pain knowing this isn't the way I should be holding my child. Please be easy on yourself with the way you feel. There is no rational way to handle the loss of a child. The pain is so unreal. You are in survival mode. I know it's hard to believe right now, but the pain gets easier to manage. It never goes away. How could it? You learn to deal with the pain and the days start getting a little easier. There will be days that are horrible, but, believe it or not, there will be days when you feel some joy again.

I hope you use this forum as much as you need. I can't explain how helpful the women here have been for me. It's a community no one wants to join, but the support and love are overwhelming. I hope you find some peace in the coming days. It is a long journey that will last a lifetime. Take care of yourself. We are here is you need us.

stefuge

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Cady. You are not alone in your feelings - we have all had them, and I am so sorry you are having to go through this. There is a quote I have seen - you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have. Be gentle with yourself, take it day by day.

Lilmissprine

I just want to thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I know this is going to be difficult, and I'm thankful to have all of you supporting me.