sometimes being a mom sucks.

gollywollypog

Hi guys.  I haven't been posting long on Parenting so a lot of you won't recognize me.  I XP'ed this on my bmb but they did the whole fb migration thing a while back and I don't do fb.  So I'm posting here, in hopes of words of wisdom, or support, or a "snap out of it golly", or something.  

Today is H's grandmas funeral 2.5 hours away.  Last night I set out all our funeral clothes, packed a bag with a change of clothes, snacks, etc.  My mom was going to come with us to take care of Emery while the service was being held, then we were going to stay in that town for the better part of the day to visit with family and see the family estate and farm (where Grandma was born and raised, not where she's lived for the entire time I've known her).  We were supposed to leave half an hour ago.  Instead, H left without me and I get to stay home with the kids because Joaquin projectile vomited all over the hallway and bathroom at 2 am last night.  

I desperately needed the closure of this funeral but I'm not going to get that.  This sucks hard.  

I also had horrifying nightmares last night about death and apocalyptic type stuff.  

I guess this is turning into a vent.  Last year around this time I sunk into a depression and it was triggered by the 4 month pp period and the Newtown shooting.  I couldn't even enjoy the holidays last year.  I keep thinking about the Newtown shooting lately and I'm scared I'm going to fall into a depression again.  I don't really have a history of depression but there is a sordid family history with it, including suicide and alcoholism, so it's always kind of following me around and I know it's there to be had, you know?  

I'm not being fulfilled by my H and I'm feeling emotionally betrayed by him in a lot of ways.  I hope putting all of this out here will be a sort of release to help me work through this stuff.  Any words of wisdom are appreciated.  I know I need counseling, I tend to bottle stuff up and I know I need an outlet to work through my issues as they come up.  Easier said then done, right?  If it was easy I'd be in counseling right now.  

I'll end my rambling there.  Thanks for listening guys.

FrickandFrack

If your mom was going to come and help anyway, could she watch the kids while you drive there and go to the funeral? I'm sorry you're upset and I hope you're able to work something out and go.

gollywollypog

@kfrix13, no because we were just giving ourselves enough time to get there for the service.  It's too late.  

FrickandFrack

gollywollypog said:

@kfrix13, no because we were just giving ourselves enough time to get there for the service.  It's too late.  

I'm sorry. Maybe you could still go to hang with the family?

NotSharknado

I would still meet up with your Dh even if you miss the service.

gollywollypog

I guess I would feel guilty even asking my mom to do that.  My 15mo is very high maintenance and that combined with a pukey 7yo seems too much to ask.  That's why she was going to come along, because my 15mo is difficult and very attached to me and we all thought it'd be easier on everyone for her to come be the babysitter/grandma so he wouldn't have to be separated from me for 12+ hours.  
Even if I were to go on my own, which I can't see myself doing because of the sick kid, the drive alone would take 5+ hours (there and back).  

littlestjerry

That sucks so much. Sometimes being a mom really does suck. I agree that counseling will probably help tremendously, but I know it's easier said than done. I'm sorry.

BluepointToasted

Oh GWP, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Maybe take some time this weekend and write a goodbye letter to DH's grandma. When my grandma died I wrote her obituary, and it was much more cathartic than her wake or funeral for me. I am also comforted by doing things that we did together. Like, we always baked together, and now when I bake or cook her old recipes I feel very close to her.

As far as everything else goes, why are you hesitating to get into counseling?  This past year I gave done both individual and marriage, and it has helped immensely.  Depression and anxiety run in my family too, so when I was having a rough time between some life stuff and postpartum I knew I needed to be proactive.  PM me if you ever want to talk

gollywollypog

@bluepointtoasted, I don't know.  My H and I were in marriage counseling a while back and I felt like it was my job to listen to him talk for a whole hour while I hardly said anything except on the prompting of the therapist.  That's his idea of "communication".  I'm bitter.  

I think I'm also afraid of digging up all the old bones.  Most of the time I'm able to be "comfortable numb", and I guess I like that place.  But in times like these, I feel like I'm going crazy.  

I think I'll try to call our old marriage counselor today and see if she can see just me.  I obviously need a place to talk and marriage counseling won't fulfill that so I need individual sessions. 

BluepointToasted

Yeah, go on your own. Or maybe a new therapist? That's not how it's supposed to go! You should leave feeling a bit better, or at the very least like you got heard.

I know what you mean about remaining numb.  It is totally me defense mechanism.  I survive day to say by distracting myself...I am fine as long as I'm not alone with my own thoughts.  Big hugs to you, I hope you feel better today.

gollywollypog

@bluepointtoasted, @becc77 (calling you over here, I got xps going on), how did you go about finding a counselor?  I'm nervous about finding a good fit.  Did you just trust luck?  Have a rec? 

magentawarped

There is absolutely no shame in seeing some kind of mental health professional. A lot of people like to make a big deal out of it, but here's the thing: if you had cancer, you'd see a doctor, and no one would give you any crap about it. Depression is a cancer that eats away at your soul, and it needs to be treated in order to get better. It took me a long time to come to that realization, and I'd been living with depression and anxiety for years before that. It affected my life and my marriage. Find someone to talk to that you're comfortable with. Trust me...I've been where you are, and I know it's hard to reach out, but I also know that you are stronger than you think.

BluepointToasted

The first one I went to sucked. I just found her by calling a large practice and telling the intake receptionist what my issues were. She was too focused on dwelling on my pain instead of moving forward, and not in what I felt was a productive way.

I am a school psychologist, and I had once consulted with an outside psychologist who I thought was good.  He doesn't typically see teenagers, so I don't have to worry about working with him on a professional level much.  That's where we are going for marriage counseling, and he is a much better fit.

My advice to you is don't settle for a bad counseling relationship.  After our crisis, DH went to 3 different therapists before he found one that really understood and helped him. It only works if there is good chemistry, not every therapist is good with every client.

SoDoMojo

So sorry to hear you're struggling. I deal with depression and that shit sucks. Hard. I haven't got much advice, since I'm a hot mess most days. I'd try a different therapist cuz the one you used before didn't seem too helpful.

((Hugs)) Motherhood is a whole lot harder than I ever imagined. It really does mess with your mind. I hope you feel better soon!