Irrational or right to be irritated?

ASasquatch

So I'm going to a wedding this weekend and we have been pretty quiet about the pregnancy only telling people when we see them (no facebook or anything). The majority of people attending are from out of state so don't know yet.
The ILs don't want us telling anyone that we're pregnant this weekend as it might take away from the bride. I totally get that and have no plans to stand up at their reception and tell the world or anything crazy like that. I don't like having a ton of attention on me which is part of why we've kept it so quiet. However, it's pretty damn obvious that I'm not just getting a little chubby. I have no intentions of denying it or trying to hide it. I'm just pretty ticked that they have more or less said I should pretend I'm not pregnant.
Am I right to be irritated by this or am I just having an irrational pregnant moment? Just looking for some assurance in not hiding this or someone rational to help bring down the rage factor.

dwnslde

I chose during my first pregnancy at a wedding to keep quiet about it. I didn't even bring it up at a brunch the next morning when someone asked when my husband and I were going to have a baby. I didn't want the attention on me at all and it allowed me to fully enjoy the day.

This might not have been an issue if your IL's hadn't brought it up. I would probably be more irritated that they think you are thoughtless.

whitehousem

I wouldn't worry too much. If people ask and you want to tell then that's your business. Like you said, you're not standing up to make a big announcement. When I was prego with DD we went to a wedding of close friends (who knew) at about 7 weeks. I wasn't drinking, so people started asking questions, so I just admitted it. Most of these people were our close friends so it was fine. I just told people we weren't really public yet in hopes they wouldn't tell the whole wedding reception. The bride and groom will be too busy to even notice or care. Maybe tell them first though of they don't already know?

MrsT2008

I wouldn't deny it if someone asks, but like you said, I wouldn't go around telling people unprompted.

CiaoBabyOH

I would be a little irritated too.  While I do think the newlyweds should be the main focus of the day, I definitely think you're far enough along where it's natural to share if people ask you!  Obviously if you wanted to make some sort of grand announcement during the reception, I would maybe say you're being a irrational - but that is not the case!  If I were you I'd just tell your inlaws that while you're not planning on going out of your way to share your good news, you also don't plan to deny/hide it.  If a friend/family member figures it out, you could always just say "Yes, we're very excited, especially today since baby has a new (aunt/uncle)!"  That way you aren't lying about the pregnancy but at the end of the pregnancy conversation, you can turn the attention back to the wedding.  Good luck and try to have fun!

julesf817

i don't see why it's a big deal if you tell people at all. it's not like you are going to get up and grab the mike and make a big annoucment during dinner.

when i was a bride if i'd found out one of my guests was pregnant i'd have been excited for them, not upset they stole my attention. people get so weird about weddings. as if the bride and groom aren't getting enough attention already all day long.

i could see being upset if someone say, got engaged at my wedding, but for someone to spread the word quietly that they're pregnant? just adds more joy to the day.  

awknyc

By any chance is there a rehearsal dinner the night before that maybe people would be prompted to ask you then vs at the wedding? I don't see what the big deal is especially b/c how many questions can they possibly ask you. You might have someone's attention for a few minutes but then it'll go back onto the bride and groom.

We're actually due in May and my twin sister is getting married in June and let me tell you she has already made it clear that she does not want to hear any crying babies at the wedding (and she said..no offense). This is the first time my whole family will be able to see the baby so now I have to do damage control and bring the baby a few days earlier so everyone can ooh and ahh and get it out of their systems so my sister can have 100% of the attention. It's annoying for me, but I totally get it and don't hold it against her. It sucks, but it is what it is.

runningyogimama

I agree with PPs. It would be one thing to make a big announcement, but I don't see why you can quietly tell a few people who you haven't seen or answer truthfully if someone asks. Is the bride really so petty that that would bother her?

MissLadyTay

I think it would be weird not to tell people. Are you usually a social drinker? We went to a wedding of some college friends a few weeks ago and I had to tell people because they all expected me to drink with them. As long as you aren't making a huge showy announcement I think you are right to be annoyed at in laws. When you see people and they ask how you are I would say I'm doing well, and expecting a baby. What you discuss in your private conversations doesn't "take away from the bride" at all. I expect to get updates like that at reunion type weddings with people I don't normally get to see.

Magheeta

I was in a wedding recently and a bridesmaid announced she was pregnant at the rehearsal dinner. She didn't make it a big deal (which seems to be how you would handle it), someone had just asked her why she wasn't drinking. We knew it was about the bride and groom, so we congratulated her and moved back to the rehearsal dinner/wedding. I may be reaching for the stars, but I would hope that anyone you decide to tell would be happy for you but also keep their focus on the bride and groom.

haltandsalute

I went through the same dilemma last weekend at a wedding.  

It too was with our friends from out of state.  We just moved across the country this summer, and I got pregnant about a month after the move, so we hadn't told anyone yet.  DH was in the wedding, so obviously the groom is one of his best friends, as were several of the guests.

We had decided not to share the news with the bride and groom at all that weekend.  It was their special day, and we wanted all the congratulatory remarks to be lobbed their way.  It was  loooooong road for them to get there.

There were two other couples who were some of our best friends before the move, so we discretely told them the news towards the end of the reception.  Lo and behold, one of the other couples had just found out she is seven weeks along, too!  It was an awesome surprise.!

They claimed they knew before we told them, as I wasn't drinking.  However, I thought I had done a pretty good job of hiding/faking it!  I even had about half a glass of Chardonnay with dinner, and kept getting my Perrier with lime to look like a vodka tonic.  Evidently I was not very discreet.  DH joked that perhaps I usually drink too much if people weren't buying my fakery...

We did tell the groom once we returned home.  Their honeymoon isn't until January, so we weren't bombarding that special event either.  He also claimed to know right away at the rehearsal dinner, even though I was walking around with a "spritzer"... hmmm....

Long story long:  I think it is nice to keep it quiet.  Even if there isn't the intention of stealing the thunder, I think people appreciate the gesture.  Of course I'd be irritated too if my ILs told us what to do in regards to any social setting.  I'm a grown woman, damnit!

ASasquatch

Thanks guys. I was just afraid I was reacting like a crazy person. I'm a really slender person to begin with so I feel like I look huge already. I had to tell work much earlier than I wanted to because I was struggling to hide it.
I'm more concerned about questions the night before when everyone is going out and I'll be the only one not drinking which is totally abnormal for me. Plus, this is mostly family and they're all nosy! I'm still dealing with being comfortable with this belly, I'm certainly not just going to say "nope just fat" if someone asks.

haylo33

Who's wedding is it? Someone close? Or just a cousin or something? My brother in law is getting married next weekend and we told our parents and siblings but aren't telling everyone else until after the wedding so I don't take away from their day. But I'll be 13 weeks at the wedding so I'm not showing or anything. I would probably wear sometime loose or try to hide it. But if someone comes out and asks you, I wouldn't lie. I'd just say not to tell people out of respect for the bride and groom

hanafan36

I agree with the other moms here. Don't bring it up, but don't deny. And when they ask, reply with a simple "Yes I'm pregnant" and then follow up with a diversion back to the bride "Isn't her dress gorgeous?" or some such related matter.

julesf817

Am I the only one who thinks the idea that a bride and groom's day would be "taken away from" by someone revealing they are pregnant is kinda weird? it's not like we're talking about actually having the baby at the wedding. most people find out you are pregnant and say "wow, congrats". it's not really earth shattering news for anyone but you and maybe your immediate family.

people talk about things aside from the bride and groom in the hours and hours they spend at a wedding reception, it's not like every conversation has to revolve around the bride and groom. 

maybe i was just a laid back bride?

IBackBevo

If someone blatantly asks you, just say: "yes but we are keeping it quiet. Please keep it to yourself. " I can't see your ticker but I can't imagine it is so obvious people would ask at this point. I was really, really pregnant before people would comment. And since it is such a faux pas to be wrong, most won't ask. It probably seems much more obvious to you than others...unless you go around rubbing your belly or talking to it or something.

runningyogimama

Jules51814 said:

Am I the only one who thinks the idea that a bride and groom's day would be "taken away from" by someone revealing they are pregnant is kinda weird? it's not like we're talking about actually having the baby at the wedding. most people find out you are pregnant and say "wow, congrats". it's not really earth shattering news for anyone but you and maybe your immediate family.

people talk about things aside from the bride and groom in the hours and hours they spend at a wedding reception, it's not like every conversation has to revolve around the bride and groom. 

maybe i was just a laid back bride?

This, 1000% this. I was trying to find a way to say it, but my way kept sounding snarky. Are the majority of people out there really bridezillas who would be mad about that?

ABColeslaw

FFS people are so weird.  There is no need to put tons of thought into this at all.  If people ask you, you have every right to tell them. 

MissLadyTay

I can't believe some of these responses. When I'm at a wedding and at a table with a bunch of family or friends, we chat about the bride and groom a little but mostly we catch up with each other. We talk about our lives, our jobs, our kids, funny stories. How would the bride know what we're saying? And why would she care? Since when was the only acceptable topic of conversation at a wedding "the bride!!11!"

MissLadyTay

hanafan36 said:

I agree with the other moms here. Don't bring it up, but don't deny. And when they ask, reply with a simple "Yes I'm pregnant" and then follow up with a diversion back to the bride "Isn't her dress gorgeous?" or some such related matter.

Are you kidding? How do you fill 1-2 hours of conversation with your table mates at a wedding? I am seriously wondering. Because I have never ever attended a wedding where we weren't allowed to talk about anything beyond a) the bride, b) the groom, or c) her dress. If I had the misfortune to attend such a wedding I would probably fake an illness and leave.

ABColeslaw

MissLadyTay said:

I can't believe some of these responses. When I'm at a wedding and at a table with a bunch of family or friends, we chat about the bride and groom a little but mostly we catch up with each other. We talk about our lives, our jobs, our kids, funny stories. How would the bride know what we're saying? And why would she care? Since when was the only acceptable topic of conversation at a wedding "the bride!!11!"

yeah I find it all so weird.  I went to a wedding over the summer and one of the other guests and I sat at the table pretty much the whole time and swapped infertility woes.  Trust me it didn't hurt anyone. 

ABColeslaw

honest to God, this thread makes me not want to attend weddings.  How friggan dull, you can talk about nothing but the bride!  Vom. 

dragossoul84

I can't imagine the bride and groom worrying about you telling people. At my wedding I had the DJ congratulate the couples who had just gotten engaged and those expecting. They are loved ones and I was happy to have so much to celebrate on one day.

ABColeslaw

dragossoul84 said:

I can't imagine the bride and groom worrying about you telling people. At my wedding I had the DJ congratulate the couples who had just gotten engaged and those expecting. They are loved ones and I was happy to have so much to celebrate on one day.

Yupp.  At my wedding I had my DJ play anniversary songs for my sister and BIL and best friend and her H because their anniversaries were so close to my wedding day and I knew that had to sacrifice something in order to be in my wedding, specifically my sister who didn't have a lot of money and was spending what she had to be in my wedding.  I also had my photographer track them down and take couples pictures of them.  I was happy to include the people I loved in my wedding. 

I also remember like a 10th of the night.  I barely had enough time to thank everyone for coming, eat a bite, and cut my cake, nevermind know or care about what my guests were chatting about. 

This post is just crazy to me.