expecting and depressed

NADA-H

I'm 5 weeks pregnant now and I found out 4 days ago and I've been scared, anxious, depressed, angry, and unhappy about it. We only got married 2.5 months ago and I feel that everything is ruined now... It's relieving to see that other people are feeling what I'm feeling here on the bump but many of them say they still feel the same being so far into their pregnancy. I already feel like I don't want the pregnancy nor the baby. I wanted to have children just not to be pregnant 2 months after the wedding! all I'm thinking about and trying to stop myself from dwelling on is I wish I can undo this. I wouldn't abort due to it being a sin in my religion but I do wake up every morning and go to the bathroom wishing I had misscarried, I'm in a really dark place and I shared my thoughts with my husband, he's been really supportive but I feel very guilty dumping all of my feelings on him being in such a dark place the things I think about are very hurtful to say and to be heard by him. I've been crying all the time. I dont like being pregnant I dont want a baby or to be a parent after 8 months or well for a couple of years to come. 

I feel ungrateful for God's gift and that adds to my guilt feelings I feel that once the baby is here once it arrives that I would dump it on my family and just leave and the only scary thought to me about this is that I will lose my husband and family... I ask my husband if he still loves me after all I've told him about what am thinking of and wishing for and he says yes he says I love you for who you are at all your statuses...we have moved in together after the wedding, some of our things are still in boxes, we haven't finished decorating, we are still trying to manage our resources and budget and schedules, I've only recently got used to sleeping next to him, and I've just signed a new contract to switch jobs, the new job has no private insurance and the only public women's hospital here sucks and I can't be added onto my husband's insurance. the probation period a this new job is so long that I might have the baby during it..my mother says she wont let me throw my life away and that she will be a great help with the baby (being the first grandchild) she said they would all support me but I dont want the support and help with the baby I just don't want the baby all together I don't want to be a mother...I feel best when we are not talking about the pregnancy at all like it doesn't exist but the back aches and cramps and absence of my period keep reminding me...I'm trying to seek a psychiatrist's help...my first OB appointment is on November 13th and that would make me 6 weeks then...I don't know what to do beside trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist...have anyone been there and how did you get out of this? I'm not interested in baby stuff and maternity stuff at all I'm kind of annoyed by any baby or child or a happily seeming pregnant woman that I see around me although i used to find babies cute before now they feel like life wreckers...I'm so scared I'm going to ruin my relationship with my husband and be disconnected completely from the baby during and after the pregnancy and not want to touch or do anything for him/her...I feel that my body and life are getting hijacked by something I can never escape. getting further into a pregnancy with the body changes and going through birth and then the breast feeding and having to constantly be responsible and tied to a baby and changing the entire life style and becoming a "mom" parenting and feeling that my husband and I are no longer a "couple" but "parents" loosing how spontaneous we are....and not being us anymore...forever, scares the hell out of me...

OrangeBird

I don't think what you're feeling is abnormal.  Lots of women have a difficult time during pregnancy, especially if the pregnancy was unplanned.  Talk to your psychiatrist and your OB.  You might want to consider a low dose antidepressant such as Zoloft.  Talking to a therapist might help as well.

Don't beat yourself up for the way you feel.  Not every woman is delighted to be pregnant.  And the hormone changes from pregnancy can contribute to feeling blue.

LolaBelle11

I feel the same way. My doctor gave me Zoloft, I havent started taking it, but there are options to make you feel better that are safe  

NADA-H

thank you ladies, I can't wait to meet with the therapist because i hate the kind of person I've turned into, my house is a depressing wreck both in atmosphere and being so messy because I don't want to do anything around the house anymore after being a domestic Goddess...it doesn't help when your parents tell you that you should be grateful and once you are you will accept it and it will all be good and that I should focus on happy stuff like thinking of how the baby is going to look like and planning the nursery, at this point I don't even want to be pregnant or see anything baby related...imagining our lives post baby is like imagining life in jail to me right now... 

@LolaBelle11 how are you feeling now? any better? did that work for you?

would an anti depressant make you look forward to the birth? I absolutely don't and I still don't want this pregnancy to progress due to the things it's going to do to my body and eventually the baby that's going to come...I have a feeling if this keeps going on I will suffer horrible post partum depression and hate the baby for ever after and just not care for it.. the only thing on my mind now is if I miss carry I will be so relieved but my husband will on some level deep down feel that it happened because of my current state...I made sure to tell him I wouldn't abort or do anything to cause it to happen but if it does happen I will be happy...I feel horrible...

LolaBelle11

Talk to your doctor. Medication should make your whole outlook more positive You are the sun, moon and earth to that baby growing inside you. You need to be healthy so baby can be healthy... I might start the Zoloft tonight.

Dplusbsquared

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. I stopped my meds when I discovered I was pregnant. I feel hijacked like you are feeling. You've been through a great deal of life changes in a very short time frame. It's a lot to take in!!

Go to a therapist. Find one you like talking to about your feelings. It is completely normal to feel SO overwhelmed by it all! You will get past this fear with some help. I only tell my hubby what I think he can handle, as far as my feelings about this pregnancy goes. He is easily terrified of my racing thoughts and goes berserk on me. So I leave him out a lot. I talk to a therapist and was going to a psychiatrist, but I'm trying to muscle through without meds.

When things aren't planned out, it can feel terrifying and overwhelming. It is TOTALLY normal. Just be patient with yourself and try to see that some things happen for a reason and are beyond our control. Not all surprises are welcomed, but it may just be a blessing in disguise that you can't see just yet! That's what I'm clinging to.

HUGS!!

NADA-H

@LolaBelle11 but how do you feel now meds aside? am not looking forward to seeing or having the baby, or knowing the sex, or going to the OB the only thing I'm kind of hoping for is that we go and she says the pregnancy didn't progress and that the fetus will pass and I'm only scared feeling that I will and my husband will feel that I've let him down...I feel like I will be killing my husband's baby, not mine because I don't want it...I'm sick of feeling like the most horrible person ever...

NADA-H

Dplusbsquared said:

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. I stopped my meds when I discovered I was pregnant. I feel hijacked like you are feeling. You've been through a great deal of life changes in a very short time frame. It's a lot to take in!! Go to a therapist. Find one you like talking to about your feelings. It is completely normal to feel SO overwhelmed by it all! You will get past this fear with some help. I only tell my hubby what I think he can handle, as far as my feelings about this pregnancy goes. He is easily terrified of my racing thoughts and goes berserk on me. So I leave him out a lot. I talk to a therapist and was going to a psychiatrist, but I'm trying to muscle through without meds. When things aren't planned out, it can feel terrifying and overwhelming. It is TOTALLY normal. Just be patient with yourself and try to see that some things happen for a reason and are beyond our control. Not all surprises are welcomed, but it may just be a blessing in disguise that you can't see just yet! That's what I'm clinging to. HUGS!!

@Dplusbsquared how do you feel now? are you still as miserable as before? are you looking forward to any of the pregnancy milestones, birth, baby? any of that at all?

NicoleNielsen59

I may get slammed for saying this, but I believe the health of the mother (mental health included) should come before the fetus, if you know where I am going with this.....

monkeybutt61612

NicoleNielsen59 said:

I may get slammed for saying this, but I believe the health of the mother (mental health included) should come before the fetus, if you know where I am going with this.....

I agree with you. It sounds like OP really, really does not want to have a baby right now. Wishing for a miscarriage is a huge red flag that she doesn't want to be pregnant anymore. OP, I feel terribly sorry for you and hope you can make peace with whatever decision you choose to make.

NADA-H

I hope I manage to get to see a psychologist soon enough...I'm so stressed out

jasrun80

I didnt read it all yet, but I AM SO DEPRESSED it is not even realistic. i have two kids & can tell you that you won't ever regret having the kid, but the depression is its own terrible thing. I get seriosuly depressed for 15-16 weeks during pregnancy then it lifts. i wish I understood it more.

I will be back on here to read more because I feel so alone in this... you hear alot about PPD, but i dont know too many people feeling as depressed at i do during pregnancy. It is awful & I know no words will really help but I am eager to follow this & you, as I am sure this is hormonal,,,it will change, it is not normal in my opinion,,, or at least i dont hear many speak of it. but it breaks MY EVERY DAY. I wish we could talk!  

jasrun80

Also, look for PPD support groups in your area,,, for me, it is a similar feeling and you may need that down the road,, not to scare you,, just to help you with resources. i see a psychologist, and i took zoloft after having my child,,, it saved my whole world. 

NADA-H

I'm feeling a lot better now, I spoke to a counselor, and to a few wise women here and one woman at work that I really appreciate, she joined our project just in the right time it's like God sent her over. I've discussed my fears with them and with my mother and husband and I feel a lot better now. Not totally excited yet and there is no connection with the baby but I don't wish I miscarry everyday now and I'm starting to think of what I will do during my pregnancy and after.

I am however keeping contact with a psych especially in case I feel PPD hit after the birth.

In our traditions when you give birth you spend the first period staying at your parents house so that your mother would help you take care of the baby and you don't have to wake up at night all the time, so you'd pump the milk and she would feed him to help you, help you with the first baths and such so that will be good, she knows the mental state I was in and know I'm worried of PPD and she will keep a close eye on me. 

thank you for sharing your story @jasrun80