Baby shouldn't be on the brain

cmelliott

Hey, I'm new to the board (been using the knot before though). I'm 21 and very recently married. Me and my husband live in an apartment and are hoping to buy a house soon. I'm recently graduated in July and am starting out in my field. I'm pretty comfortable where we are except wanting more room with a house. I've always wanted a baby but knew it wasn't the time and also was put off by the negatives (lack of sleep, no spontaneity, etc.) but very recently I've become consumed by wanting to have kids. Last cycle I was late on a pill and had some things happen that thought I might be pregnant but then I got my period and was actually devastated. Husband is nowhere near ready and I sympathize with him but I'm finding it hard to fight these feelings. We agreed that we would wait till we had a house and our pets were passed (we just have hamsters) so we're talking about 5 years or so. But like I said, it's becoming overwhelming. This was more than a rant than actually a request for advice but if someone has advice on how to handle these feelings while waiting it would be appreciated.

kcisthebombdotcom

I think it's a pretty common thing for people recently married to want to have a baby so they have something new to plan for now the wedding is over. Focus your energy on planning a vacation and relish in all the things you can do child free.

Belou52579

You seem to understand waiting is the best option for you...I hope you can hold off the baby fever for a few years! I understand how hard it is to ignore it, but like others have said, start DOING things that get your mind off it. I used to love the spontaneity of going out after work with co workers or meeting up with friends for happy hour or trivia. I'd still do it now if my husband and step son weren't home waiting for me and the fact that I'm completely exhausted after work anyway. Do that spontaneous stuff while you're young and CAN do it. When you get old like me, you will miss those days...

*edited because words hurt my brain on Fridays

Ducktale

I agree with PP. Focus on things right now that don't include baby (Career? Saving money? Friends? Vacations? Hobbies? Freedom to go out whenever?). Honestly, the thing that helped most to ward off baby fever is to have at least some friends who don't have babies. That's not to say ditch friends that do, but find a good balance. With my friends with babies, it takes more thought into the activities we'll do (schedules, feeding, naps, babysitters, etc. etc.). My friends with no kids, we can call them up and go do whatever we want right away. We can take mini road trips on a whim. We can stay out til 2am.

When I was younger, I did have some of the normal mild baby fever, but I knew we needed to wait awhile. Now that I'm older, I'm ready to give up some of those things listed above. That's not to say I won't miss that freedom. I will. But remind yourself of how different life would be if you had a baby, and enjoy this time in your life.

SmileyJay

I know exactly how you are feeling.

I got married at 21 to the most amazing man. He is almost 2 years older. Since then, we bought a house, finished our undergrad degrees, and are now just working, saving money, and enjoying life. We have had a few pg scares and each time we were both a bit disappointed. We have both had babies on the brain for about 5 years now. Now I am 24 and we are hoping to start trying sometime next year. I can not even express how glad I am that I didn't get pg at 21. It would have been a far cry from a negative situation, but the last 3 years have been such an important time for us to grow as a couple and establish ourselves. 

Times when I am feeling particularly broody I remind myself that the most important parenting decision I will ever make is deciding what world my child will be born into. For me, I wanted that to be a very stable happy marriage, a beautiful home, and none of the financial stress I grew up with. I am sure we will have tough times and you never know the future, but setting ourselves up for success will go a long way towards aiding us to be the parents we want to be for our children. At 21, we would have definitely made it work and loved it, but today we are already light years more prepared than we were then. 

My situation is different in that my husband wants children as much if not more than I do. But he is about to turn 26 and feels like he is the right age to become a father. In the mean time, he coaches ymca youth basketball leagues to sort of curb the urge lol and we have two nephews and a niece that we get to focus on now. 

My best advice is to get on good birth control and for now just plan for your future. Work towards mini-goals and do things for yourself. When I have a goal to focus on I don't think so much about who is missing from our family. Buying a home, doing home projects, etc. were helpful and now we are planning a trip overseas for May so that has given me something to look forward to that I do not want to be pregnant during! For myself, I indulge in things like reading, sewing, volunteering, and exercise that I wouldn't have has much time for if a baby was around. 

Good luck and just know that there are literally hundreds of people just like you on these boards!

cmelliott

TheCraftyKoala said:

I know exactly how you are feeling.

I got married at 21 to the most amazing man. He is almost 2 years older. Since then, we bought a house, finished our undergrad degrees, and are now just working, saving money, and enjoying life. We have had a few pg scares and each time we were both a bit disappointed. We have both had babies on the brain for about 5 years now. Now I am 24 and we are hoping to start trying sometime next year. I can not even express how glad I am that I didn't get pg at 21. It would have been a far cry from a negative situation, but the last 3 years have been such an important time for us to grow as a couple and establish ourselves. 

Times when I am feeling particularly broody I remind myself that the most important parenting decision I will ever make is deciding what world my child will be born into. For me, I wanted that to be a very stable happy marriage, a beautiful home, and none of the financial stress I grew up with. I am sure we will have tough times and you never know the future, but setting ourselves up for success will go a long way towards aiding us to be the parents we want to be for our children. At 21, we would have definitely made it work and loved it, but today we are already light years more prepared than we were then. 

My situation is different in that my husband wants children as much if not more than I do. But he is about to turn 26 and feels like he is the right age to become a father. In the mean time, he coaches ymca youth basketball leagues to sort of curb the urge lol and we have two nephews and a niece that we get to focus on now. 

My best advice is to get on good birth control and for now just plan for your future. Work towards mini-goals and do things for yourself. When I have a goal to focus on I don't think so much about who is missing from our family. Buying a home, doing home projects, etc. were helpful and now we are planning a trip overseas for May so that has given me something to look forward to that I do not want to be pregnant during! For myself, I indulge in things like reading, sewing, volunteering, and exercise that I wouldn't have has much time for if a baby was around. 

Good luck and just know that there are literally hundreds of people just like you on these boards!

This was really helpful to know you were in a similar situation. And you said it perfectly when you said that the most important thing is what situation your child is born into. I think I'll try to pick hobbies and goals I'll know I won't want to be pregnant or have a kid for, such as traveling or exercise/losing weight or something else. I think part of my feelings is from not having something to work towards when I just had something that I was working towards for over a year (the wedding).

easilyunamused

cmelliott said:

TheCraftyKoala said:

I know exactly how you are feeling.

I got married at 21 to the most amazing man. He is almost 2 years older. Since then, we bought a house, finished our undergrad degrees, and are now just working, saving money, and enjoying life. We have had a few pg scares and each time we were both a bit disappointed. We have both had babies on the brain for about 5 years now. Now I am 24 and we are hoping to start trying sometime next year. I can not even express how glad I am that I didn't get pg at 21. It would have been a far cry from a negative situation, but the last 3 years have been such an important time for us to grow as a couple and establish ourselves. 

Times when I am feeling particularly broody I remind myself that the most important parenting decision I will ever make is deciding what world my child will be born into. For me, I wanted that to be a very stable happy marriage, a beautiful home, and none of the financial stress I grew up with. I am sure we will have tough times and you never know the future, but setting ourselves up for success will go a long way towards aiding us to be the parents we want to be for our children. At 21, we would have definitely made it work and loved it, but today we are already light years more prepared than we were then. 

My situation is different in that my husband wants children as much if not more than I do. But he is about to turn 26 and feels like he is the right age to become a father. In the mean time, he coaches ymca youth basketball leagues to sort of curb the urge lol and we have two nephews and a niece that we get to focus on now. 

My best advice is to get on good birth control and for now just plan for your future. Work towards mini-goals and do things for yourself. When I have a goal to focus on I don't think so much about who is missing from our family. Buying a home, doing home projects, etc. were helpful and now we are planning a trip overseas for May so that has given me something to look forward to that I do not want to be pregnant during! For myself, I indulge in things like reading, sewing, volunteering, and exercise that I wouldn't have has much time for if a baby was around. 

Good luck and just know that there are literally hundreds of people just like you on these boards!

This was really helpful to know you were in a similar situation. And you said it perfectly when you said that the most important thing is what situation your child is born into. I think I'll try to pick hobbies and goals I'll know I won't want to be pregnant or have a kid for, such as traveling or exercise/losing weight or something else. I think part of my feelings is from not having something to work towards when I just had something that I was working towards for over a year (the wedding).

I feel you on this. I was just married in Sept and that really does take up a significant amount of your free time. Babies though, take up almost ALL of your free time! haha You have plenty of time to have children. Enjoy the time you have right now. Enjoy your husband and settle into married life. 

theholmanherd

This is how it started for us, except I'm 25 and my DH is 28 and we both really want kids. But not everything is perfect. As long as you both want kids (so now isn't the time), don't wait for everything to be perfect to have kids. Just make sure you have health insurance when the time comes! (In fact, now too since accidents happen). You can end up tens of thousands of dollars in debt without blinking if you don't have insurance. Just try to wait it out. It will happen when it happens. You're young and have years to plan a family.