Mixed emotions with church/ venting

cawettig

It has been a week shy of 7 months since Arianna left. I went to church for the first time on Sunday. I wanted to leave so bad. There was a mom who baptized her daughter and I went spastic in my head. I had to get lost in my phone for awhile. I am still struggling with God, I am just so mad still. I want to repair my relationship with him. I have always continued dinner prayer, although it's still Hard for me to say grace I have said it a couple times aloud since her passing. I will say a prayer to him about her or pray to keep this lo safe in me in my head as the oldest kids say grace. I am not telling the kids how mad I am at God, I don't want them to think of it as me blaming him, they are still so young to understand. I've been thinking of emailing them asking for a good support group or prayer buddy to help me regain my relationship with him. I want so badly to meet her that I am afraid that my anger with him will impede me getting into heaven to see her. I want to give her a hug so bad right now. I can't stop crying. I needed to vent my feelings, omg what I would give to have her in my arms right now.

Noethola

***Siggy warning***

Its totally normal to be mad, to question and to hate the situation. 

It can be hard to balance faith in a loving God with the fact that bad things happen. It was hard for me to trust God with this new pregnancy. I trusted him with my last. A part of me was like, what makes you think he will take care of this one? But, the fact is I need something to trust in. I need to know that my daughter is safe and I will see her again. And trusting God continues to give me peace about this one. 

I think its a good idea to seek out people in your church or area that can be a good support system for you. Emailing your church is a good idea. Do not feel like you have to struggle with this on your own. Please feel free to reach out here too if you need it. Its not the same as a person who is physically with you, but feel free to PM me if you ever need to. 

AJCagle82

I don't think being angry with God will keep you out of heaven. Like a pp mentioned, God can handle us being angry with him and confused as to why he allowed such a horrible thing to happen. I'm also struggling with making sense of everything. I've had some choice words for God (not said in a typical Christian-like prayer). I know he hears me. I've seen signs of it. I think He is allowing me to work through that anger and patiently walking me through it whether it feels that way or not. There is such a thing as righteous anger. Losing your child has to fall in that category. Don't beat yourself up for being angry with God. Maybe it would help to pray about it and be completely honest with Him. I tried that and felt nothing. Then a couple days later (on my LO's one month anniversary) He sent me a sign that let me know He is listening. It is a long walk filled with struggles. I'm sorry this is so long, but your post is so similar to what I'm going through right now. I hope you find some peace.

irons633

What your feeling is totally normal my dear. Like pp have stated God can handle our anger and questions of why this had to happen. I have and still at times have the same feelings but I stop and pray and let Him know exactly how I am feeling. I question Him as why this had to happen to me but also to you ladies and other ladies that will or are experiencing this pain right now. Reaching out to your church is a good idea to try and get on a prayer group. Also, does your hospital offer any type of support group? You can PM if you ever need to just vent sweetie. Hugs to you!!!

kz's_girlygirl

I am pretty middle of the road faith wise, but I do believe that there is an existence beyond this one, and no emotion, felt or un-felt, on this plane will prevent you from reaching the next one. 

From what I know of Christianity, (I actually took a few seminary courses before changing my degree) God knows all the struggles we endure, and cries with us just as He carries us through.  I hope you are able to find some healing and a way to re-connect  

cawettig

Thank you everyone for your support, dh wants us to go talk to someone at the church or our old counselor again. He thinks it will help a lot. @aragosta your description of him being a big boy and can handle it helped a lot