Single Parents

This situation makes me very uncomfortable...

So, I live in a different state then my baby's father and his family. He is a deadbeat dad and doesn't pay child support or even try to visit him. All he does is pretend to be a good dad who misses his son so much on Facebook... Yet spends money on alcohol instead of help support his son. Anyway, his family hasn't contacted me asking how the baby is, for pictures, how were doing... Nothing since August. Now, I get a message from them wanting to do family photos with my son... I'm not sure what to do. On one hand I don't want to come off as a controlling bitch and say no, but on the other hand they can't simply ask how he is and now they want to take pics like they are just one big happy family and like their son is sucha good father to my son??? Can't help but be annoyed. I hate all this pretending he does and seems like yet another way to portray himself as a good dad to everyone. Bugs me!! Am I being crazy?

Re: This situation makes me very uncomfortable...

  • No.  If all he is interested in is alcohol and not his baby then I personally think you should cut all ties to him and his family and just focus on you and your LO.  I live with the same BS you do as DD's dad is an alcoholic and I never ever should have taken him back.  I mean to remedy that here very soon.  He's been through several rehab and mandatory counseling sessions and court ordered AA and is still a selfish asshole.  They won't change until THEY commit to making the change.  Until then, imo, they are a waste of space. 
  • My BD was/is a functioning alcoholic, whereas he can get through a day no problem with the help of a couple of beers, but then as night falls, he's out wasting what money he does have on booze.  I have no idea what kind of person he portrays himself to be on facebook (he's blocked) but I wonder sometimes.  A lot of his friends know the real story so there is no pretending that he's this upstanding citizen who wants to be a part of her life.  And he's only contacted me twice to see her, mad that I will only allow a visit if my boyfriend is over, too.  I'm sure he tells people I do that to rub it in his face that he's not around or whatever, but actually, I have my boyfriend there for me because I just can't be in the room with BD without wanting to strangle him.  I don't care that we're not together anymore, but this little girl, this life that we created, she's going to find out one day that BD is out there and why he's not in her life.  She's going to learn all the shit he put me through and I can't imagine what kind of pain that will cause her and I already hate him for it. 

    That's the thing about some or most of us here, we're going to have to deal that one day.  "Honey, your father isn't here because _____", no matter the reason, that is going to hurt.  Our kids are going to hurt from that.  If we're lucky, we'll find a man to step in and be the daddy we want for our kids, but even if he steps in before the kid knows about their father, one day they'll ask "why don't I look like daddy?" and that kills me.

    Sorry, total rant that got me off subject.  It's unfortunate that they think their son can do no wrong or isn't doing any wrong, but you have to put your foot down.  Tell them that you just can't have that because if their son was actually wanting to be a part of your son's life, he would actually be putting in the effort and not wasting his time getting drunk with his buddies.
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  • I agree with everything the others said. However I would approach it from the logistical end. Do they want you to bring baby out of state for pictures? Do they intend to care for this child they don't know. You can also be really up front and say "you never even ask how he is let alone treat him like a member of your family. Why should he be in the family picture."

    Sorry your situation sucks. You need to do what you feel comfortable with.

  • You can also be really up front and say "you never even ask how he is let alone treat him like a member of your family. Why should he be in the family picture." 
    This.  A million percent.
  • Thank you for your response! I wasn't sure if I could cut all ties with him since it's his child too... He texts/calls but I feel it's more of a control thing for him. Asking when I will be in town next, calling to argue about how I "kidnapped" our son, or asking if we can get back together. I'm just trying to play nice until we have residency here so he can't try and force me to move back. He was abusive and his mother does drugs so being out of state is the best thing for my son and myself. Good luck with your situation! If he is anything like my ex, you needs get out!
  • I totally agree roxalot. Makes me sad too. I was with my ex for 4 1/2 years and never thought he would be such a pos father. My son deserves more than a little boy who only cares about partying! I can't stand how his family just looks the other way while their son acts this way. Then asks to do family photos?? They like his pics on Facebook I occasionally post, but why wouldn't they just text or call and see how he is? I know if I was a grandparent I would want to know how my grand baby was. And if my son acted the way my ex was acting I would set him straight and ask if the girl if there was anything I could do to help. Just crazy to me, the whole situation.
  • Babymama619, I think you hit the nail on the head! I've always been sorta timid and quiet so I guess it's hard for me to confront them like that! But, I can't just pretend this is something I am okay with when I'm not. I will be visiting my baby's fathers state for thanksgiving as I have family there, so they were wanting to do pictures during our visit. My ex's step mother offered to pay for me and my sons pictures together if I wanted any, which seems really nice, but it honestly bugs me so much, thinking about a big family photo of all them (including my ex) with my son. Pretending that he is a good father. While I'm out of the photo watching them act like they have been there for my baby when it's just been me and my son pretty much since he was born. Irritating.
  • Yup, this is very typical. He wants to be a "Disney daddy" and do all the fun, happy, special times while you're stuck at home with the dirty diapers, tantrums, bills, and 2am wake-ups. Hell no. If I'm the one doing all the behind the scenes work, then I get full control over how we live and what we do. When he starts participating like a parent, then he can enjoy some of the benefits.

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  • I would say that it is not right for everyone to pretend he is a good dad when he is not.  If he will not help, then he can stay out of the picture - literally.  Also, ask them why they would want a picture with a child they seem to not care about.
  • You always have to do what is best for your child, end of story. You don't have to have any reasons or justifications for that either. Simply feeling it's not best is reason enough. You are mama, there to protect.
  • Thanks everyone, I decided not to do the pictures. Your advice really helped!
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