not sure where I belong...(intro)

PiperS

***pregnancy and LO mentioned

I have been lurking for a while and have spent hours reading your posts. I'm so sorry for all of your losses.

I had a miscarriage at 13+3 weeks in January 2011. That was one of the hardest thing I ever went through. I went on to have a perfect little girl in November of that year. She will be two in a couple weeks. Her and DH are my world.

On to why I'm here... We started trying again I'm April and got pregnant again right away. We were ecstatic. We were even more excited when at our NT scan we found out it was identical twins. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I will never forget my husband's glowing face.

We spent four weeks blissfully happy. We were planning our new life, looking at minivans, and trying to figure out how we were going to handle two newborns and a toddler.

At our 16 week appointment, we found out they were girls, and the doctor thought Baby A (Alyssa) had a slightly "prominent" liver and sent us to the children's hospital for an mri. That was the beginning of worry.

There, at 18 weeks, they weren't sure if the liver was anything to worry about but they were worried that Baby B (Alexandra) was smaller and had a thickened placenta. They said she could have IUGR but they both looked healthy and it wasn't anything to worry about now. Of course I worried sick and spent night after night crying and researching.

We went home worried but hopeful. We went back to our MFM a week later and Alexandra had very little fluid in her sack and barely a visible bladder. The doctor told me it was Twin Twin transfusion syndrome and that I would need to go back to the hospital the next day. She said it was serious but there was a procedure they could do and it was often successful.

We went to the hospital the next day prepared for laser surgery and bed rest. We were almost happy that at least they figured out what was wrong and there was something they could do. My husband, the eternal optimist, convinced me everything would be fine.

I wish that's what happened. Something happened to our baby over night. She suffered a stroke or something and had severe hydrops and brain damage. They told us in the coldest way possible that she would not make it. The doctor started talking to us about selective reduction because if/when she passed her sister would be at risk for brain damage or death as well. We couldn't even process the information. It's a choice no parent should ever be asked to make. The doctor told us we had days or a couple weeks to decide.

We went home with heavy hearts. How could this have happened to us? The next day we went to see our MFM for a second opinion and our Alexandra had no heartbeat. She was already gone. It was the most devastating moment of our lives. We just saw her lifeless on the screen.

Her sister looks healthy so far but there is still a 15% chance that she suffered brain trauma. We won't be completely out of the woods until she is 3 months old.

I'm still carrying them both. Every time Alyssa kicks I'm both happy and sad that I'm not feeling her sister. I'm grieving while still having to prepare for a baby that will be here in three months. It's confusing and hard. I have to put on a happy face all the time and it's exhausting.

The comments "maybe it was best for her sister" and " at least you still have one baby" are infuriating. It's hard for me to be around people because everyone in the world knew we were having twins and I can't handle the horrible stories they tell me or the sympathetic hugs. I can't even talk about it with anyone but my husband because no one understands. Even he seems to be trying to move on and focus on Alyssa. I wish I could but I'm still so sad. It's been 7 weeks.

If you made it this far thank you for listening. I how it's okay that I posted here even though I'm still pregnant.

jess123456

I am so very sorry for your loss. Of course we welcome you with open arms here. I can't imagine the conflicting emotions you must feel of being happy for one child and preparing for their arrival and mourning the loss of another. That is a pain that no mother should ever have to face. I lost my daughter to a terminal diagnosis last year and this board has been such an important part of my healing. Please know that you have come to an incredibly supportive place filled with those who understand. All of our experiences are a little different from each other but we all understand the pain of losing a child. Sending you big hugs. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

VyD81

I'm so sorry for the loss of baby Alexandra. I can't even imagine how you must feel. @jess123456 all the ladies here are very supportive and are here for you.

shandorfml2

I am so sorry sweetheart. You of of course welcome here... big big hugs!

TwinkleTor

I'm so sorry for the loss of Alexandra. I am sorry to have to welcome you here but these women are amazing! They have helped me through the loss of my son. We all understand your loss and we are all here for you to listen when you need to scream, or hug you when you need to cry, and celebrate you when good things happen!

Sorry again... Hugs!

diamante1181

So sorry for your loss. It is so difficult to deal with a seemingly senseless loss. I hope you find some comfort here.

PiperS

Thanks for the support. It's horrible that any of us have to go through this. Some days are harder than others. The passed couple days I have felt really depressed. It helps to talk about her to people who know what it's like. IRL I barely talk about my pregnancy or what has happened at all. It's just too hard.

CRUN2012

I am so sorry for your loss. May I suggest reading Empty Cradle, Broken Heart....it validates a lot of the feelings that we are all going through and it may help you too with your grief. And also like pp said this board is very supportive!

Kris721

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a friend who delivered boy/girl twins at 29 weeks. Only the girl survived. I often wonder (and marvel) about how she has the strength to deal with it all. I can't even imagine how you are feeling. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that Alyssa is born 100% healthy.

Noethola

***Siggy warning***

I am so very sorry for your loss of Alexandra. That is such a devastating situation.

schulme2

I am so sorry for the loss of Alexandra. I also lost one of my twins and it's such a difficult situation. You have such conflicting emotions...constantly! You're so proud and so happy for one baby but at the same time devastated for the twin they'll never get to know. I am so sorry you're going through this. People don't/won't know what to day to you and things will be really awkward for a while with other people. It will slowly get easier to talk to people. I got plenty of "at least you still have one." I just wanted to say, "really!? You pick just one of your children!" I'm sorry, we're all here for you. I'm praying for you and your family.

stefuge

***LO ticker*** I am so sorry for your loss. Alexandra is a beautiful name and I know you will grieve her loss all your life. Praying for sweet Alyssa and her health, as well as the rest of your family.

mingaling2

I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet Alexandra.  I will be praying for Alyssa and your family.

BrittianyM

So sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. We are all here for you whenever you need us. 

weddedwife

I'm so sorry for the impossible situation you are now facing. There was a mom on here about a year and a half ago, carrying twins but knowing only 1 would survive. I wish I could remember her name. She talked a lot about making preparations for a live birth and a stillbirth all at once. She went on to deliver her living daughter and her stillborn son. I'm sure there are others as well.

Huge hugs, mama.

Dixon813

~~Siggy Warning~~




I am so sorry for the loss of sweet Alexandra.  TTTS really sucks!  (My girls had TTTS also...)

There is a TTTS Grief Support Group on Facebook that has been really helpful https://www.facebook.com/tovagold1 That's the link to request to join.

Know you are in my thoughts and prayers...

jbranden12

I am so sorry for the loss of your Alexandra. Like pps said, I know there are other twin moms around who have experienced similar tragedies. Many if us here also have rainbows who we are parenting while still actively grieving. We cannot know exactly what you are facing as a twin mom, but we are here for support. I am sorry you have to join us.

AJCagle82

You're still be pregnant, but you also lost a child. This is where you should be. I'm so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. It is such a difficult thing to go through. I hope you find some comfort and community here.

Auki13

I am so sorry for the loss of Alexandra, and Alyssa will be in my prayers.  I know a momma who has a surviving twin and I will try to get a hold of her for you.  I can only imagine the confusing mix of emotions that you are going through and I hope you can find some support here with us.  All of the "at least" platitudes suck and I wish people would think before uttering those words.  No matter how many children you have, it doesn't take away the pain from the loss of one.  (((HUGS))) momma.