did anyone ask why you had to do IVF/IUI?

Peanutz21

So I finally told my close family (parents, brothers, SILs) that we are expecting in May.  I'm in general a very very private person.  I was taken aback when my brother asked me "if it was planned". I'm also the worst liar ever.  So I said,"yes we did IVF."  Then he proceeded to ask,"why did you do that?? what's the problem? you? or him?"   I didn't know how to respond so I said, "does it really matter" and left it that.

Did anyone ask you WHY you needed to to IVF or IUI?  I feel it's a really private matter...I know i'm also very private....but still...!

katekat8721

Ugh, we've had in-laws ask those sort of questions. I just told them the same "it doesn't matter if it was me or him... it's OUR problem that we get through together". The normal people that I have told haven't asked why or anything, but I just told them we'd tried for a couple years without success and had to turn to IVF for help.

Sorry you're dealing with rude people. It's none of their business.

jezebel57

ugh.  depends on the person.  i would probably go into ridiculously medical IF jargon about all hormone levels etc... and make them sorry they asked lol.  

sunflowermama42212

My in laws asked only because DH had surgery on his testicles at a young age so they were worried the doctors messed something up with him. Everyone else asked because they were concerned and didn't know anyone who did ivf before so it was more curiosity then anything. I'm sorry they asked you so bluntly like that, it's not fair to assign "blame" to infertility

Twinkie0612

I actually have been semi open about our IF treatments and had a coworker ask if the problem is him or me.  I just can't imagine asking someone something so personal, but this particular coworker is not know for having tact, so it doesn't surprise me.

At the time we were still "unexplained" so I just told her that, but my first thought was that I don't look at it as it's his problem or my problem.  It's our problem.

Jenn06L80

Yes, people ask me and I give them any and all details they want. I am not a private person though.

TJ1979

I'm a really private person too. But I have never had anyone ask me why or whose issue it was. How rude! although I did ask my SIL if they had an IF diagnosis when they told me they had IUI and I told them I did too. I was curious if it was something genetic, because my cousin had difficulty too. But she had endo so no link.
Sorry you have to deal with such nosy, rude people.

MJC1116

Ugh, its the worst when people ask and you arent confortable. Or that they assume. I had a coworker say that it must be the hormone meds making me crazy when I hadnt even started (or told anyone about it) yet! I find when I say "uterus" more than once in a sentence, people stop asking.

LadyMacaron

While it's a very invasive question, I don't see why it would be offensive to be asked by a parent or brother. In fact, I can't imagine having gone my entire IF journey without letting my close family know what was going on. It helped to have someone to talk to, they were never insensitive when talking about future children, and they were our biggest cheerleaders through the process. They love you, they worry about you, why wouldn't they want to know what major health issues are going on in your life?

I have been extremely open about our struggles to our friends and family and have never regretted it. In fact so many of them had IF stories to tell! Now, if a stranger asked me that question? I'd say it was none of their business. 

lizardknitter

The only person who knows how we got KU is my sister. Her son is adopted and I was curious if our IF issue were familial. But not in this case.
People need to shut up sometimes. Family or not, it's a rude question.

IBackBevo

With DS, I told anyone. I don't think IF is anything to be ashamed of and wanted to do everything in my power to make sure it was not stigmatized. I have no problem on educating people or aadmitting I have a problem or telling people, in detail, what the problem is.

Oddly enough, I have gotten more "how did that happen?" with this pregnancy...and family members wanting to know if we did treatment again. I think it is just curiosity because everyone knew I was going through treatment with my ds. I feel stranger talking about our non-art bfp because, somehow, talking about a medical procedure does not seem embarrassing to me, but talking about the details of.having sex with my husband does. With my Mom, who persisted in her questioning even after I told her it was not via ART, I had to tell her: "Do you need me to draw you a diagram? " That shut her up.

kflynn81

I really think most people speak first then think, sorry you were in that situation.

My family knew I'd have issues since I've had endocrine problems since childhood so the only question after we got married was "when are you seeing the specialist to have a baby?" Lol my il's are aware of my issues but the rest of DH's family never really asked much.....although they may secretly read my blog LOL

Peanutz21

I think if I wasn't such a private person I wouldn't have had such a reaction to the question.  My family has never been open with any serious issues so for me this was really out of the blue. I'm sure he meant no harm by it.

As always ladies thank you for the support! 

xladybassx

When we told our families that we were doing IVF we explained why in that same conversation. We figured it would be easiest to be thorough upfront so we weren't put in an awkward situation later. Besides, I don't think there is anything really embarrassing about the "why" factor in our case, it's just out of our control. I can understand why guys might be embarrassed if MFI was the main factor though. The embarrassing part was explaining to my dad how ovulation is supposed to work, how IUI works, and eventually how IVF works...and having to use words like cervix and vagina in front if him!

jezebel57

xladybassx said:

When we told our families that we were doing IVF we explained why in that same conversation. We figured it would be easiest to be thorough upfront so we weren't put in an awkward situation later. Besides, I don't think there is anything really embarrassing about the "why" factor in our case, it's just out of our control. I can understand why guys might be embarrassed if MFI was the main factor though. The embarrassing part was explaining to my dad how ovulation is supposed to work, how IUI works, and eventually how IVF works...and having to use words like cervix and vagina in front if him!

my bad part was having to explain to my dad what IVF was and when i got to the word fertilization, 2 seconds into the convo, he said "that's enough" and got up and walked out. lol

auntjessy

I think everyone already knew why we were - but mostly because my family knew about my surgeries over the last few years.  Can't go into surgery without telling your family, and then they'll all want to know why - so, there it is.  

I see why you were so taken aback, though - especially if it's still a sore spot for you.  A lot of people that are TTC have displaced feelings of guilt to deal with anyway, thinking they're somehow 'failing' their wife or husband if they're having difficulty.  It's ridiculous, of course, but it doesn't stop us.  Us IF veterans can be really good at beating ourselves up - and having to publicly assign blame makes it even tougher.  ((hugs)) 

curlylocks3

Unless I was upfront about our diagnosis from the get-go, every single person has asked why, or what is wrong. Its not a pretty question, or a nice one, and I don't think its appropriate from anyone, no matter what your relationship is. I subscribe to the theory that if you're close enough to know, you're close enough to not have to ask. 

danalawrence

Yes, which surprised me. I was tempted to answer with some nonsense around unicorns and tadpoles.

FutureMrsW9

I'm very open about talking about IF when people ask or if it comes up, but I won't openly tell someone "hey John Smith, we're going through IVF..."  And those who know I have shared what our issues were, no one's actually had to ask.  I, personally, like to share because I think the level of IF awareness out there leaves something to be desired and it shouldn't be taboo to talk about.  Anyway....if I was asked by someone I wasn't comfortable sharing with I would probably respond similarly to how you did and just leave it at that.  At the end of the day unless you're willing to share it's really no one else's business other than you and YH.