anyone trying attachment parenting?

RuthEmily

I have 5 1/2 month girl twins and they are the light of my life. I was planning on doing attachment parenting before I knew I was having twins and after I found out I saw no reason to change the plan. But now I feel like I'm failing them. Dr.sears has hardly ANY info on how to do this with two and I'm struggling. I want to respond to their cues but I just don't have enough arms. I am a sahm, we cloth diaper and co-sleep if that helps anything. I just want to know how you guys do it, I want them to grow up confident and independent (hopefully never growing out of momma cuddled though urge) but everytime one is nursing and the other is hungry and crying in their bouncer I wonder is there someone else doing this a better way? Please, all tips/hints/advice wanted! Thank you so much!

Missa_g

AP is not about doing something only a specific way. I wasn't able to BF, we didn't cosleep, and baby wearing was a fail for us. We did not cloth diaper. But I listened to my babies and responded to their needs. I respect their feelings (like hating all carriers). I am an AP mom.

RuthEmily

I absolutely did not mean that by only doing those things are you am AP parent. I'm sorry if you felt like I was challenging your parenting style.

I'm trying to respond to their needs, but I feel so bad when one has to wait for her sister to finish whatever it is she's doing, especially if she just started nursing for instance and I know its going to take 20 minutes or so. I know you don't have to cloth diaper, bf, cosleep or babywear to be a AP mom but I thought I would include that we do those things in case anyone else can relate to those specific things as well.

TobieRose

Have you tried tandem nursing? (Speaking as someone who has absolutely no experience with twins outside of the womb, yet. ) Also I have been meaning to read the book Mothering Multiples because a lot of people highly recommend it; it's published by LLL. Perhaps there would be something helpful for you there? 

Other than that, I do not have much practical advice, but I would not feel guilty about one daughter crying while you are attending to the other's needs ... although I know that is easier said than done! Even with my singleton there were times when I was unable to meet his needs immediately (in the shower/bathroom, feeling faint and needing to feed myself before nursing him, etc)--and I admit I worry now that he's 18 months about not being able to meet his needs in the way he's used to once the twins arrive and how that will affect him. But in the context of a loving and trustful relationship, it will not break your child's trust in you to have to wait, and I firmly believe it will not harm their confidence and independence in the long run!  

somewhereincali

Tandem nursing is huge, less waiting for eating.
Ap with two is hard. For me it meant responding to their cues as much as possible (feeding on demand, no scheduled naps, helping them to fall asleep as needed. Responding to night wakings, though we did some sleep training around 14 months.)
But the reality of two is there will be times where one is crying and you can't do anything about it. But being there and telling them it's ok is alright.

tootsscott

RuthEmily said:

I have 5 1/2 month girl twins and they are the light of my life. I was planning on doing attachment parenting before I knew I was having twins and after I found out I saw no reason to change the plan. But now I feel like I'm failing them. Dr.sears has hardly ANY info on how to do this with two and I'm struggling. I want to respond to their cues but I just don't have enough arms. I am a sahm, we cloth diaper and co-sleep if that helps anything. I just want to know how you guys do it, I want them to grow up confident and independent (hopefully never growing out of momma cuddled though urge) but everytime one is nursing and the other is hungry and crying in their bouncer I wonder is there someone else doing this a better way? Please, all tips/hints/advice wanted! Thank you so much!

@RuthEmily - Now I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I don't REALLY understand the correlation of the bolded. I don't agree with ignoring or neglecting your child.. but I fail to see how responding immediately to your children's wants/needs and co-sleeping etc promotes independence. If anything, I would think they would be more dependent on you because of it! Apologies if any offense is taken, and I haven't done any research on AP, just wondering your thoughts.

Missa_g

RuthEmily said:

I absolutely did not mean that by only doing those things are you am AP parent. I'm sorry if you felt like I was challenging your parenting style.

I'm trying to respond to their needs, but I feel so bad when one has to wait for her sister to finish whatever it is she's doing, especially if she just started nursing for instance and I know its going to take 20 minutes or so. I know you don't have to cloth diaper, bf, cosleep or babywear to be a AP mom but I thought I would include that we do those things in case anyone else can relate to those specific things as well.

I didn't feel challenged at all. I was just pointing out that none of those things are what make your parenting style AP. what makes you AP is how you respond to their needs. It sounds like you are doing the best that you can and are doing great, despite some guilt you might have.

somewhereincali

tootsscott said:

RuthEmily said:

I have 5 1/2 month girl twins and they are the light of my life. I was planning on doing attachment parenting before I knew I was having twins and after I found out I saw no reason to change the plan. But now I feel like I'm failing them. Dr.sears has hardly ANY info on how to do this with two and I'm struggling. I want to respond to their cues but I just don't have enough arms. I am a sahm, we cloth diaper and co-sleep if that helps anything. I just want to know how you guys do it, I want them to grow up confident and independent (hopefully never growing out of momma cuddled though urge) but everytime one is nursing and the other is hungry and crying in their bouncer I wonder is there someone else doing this a better way? Please, all tips/hints/advice wanted! Thank you so much!

@RuthEmily - Now I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I don't REALLY understand the correlation of the bolded. I don't agree with ignoring or neglecting your child.. but I fail to see how responding immediately to your children's wants/needs and co-sleeping etc promotes independence. If anything, I would think they would be more dependent on you because of it! Apologies if any offense is taken, and I haven't done any research on AP, just wondering your thoughts.

No flames, the theory of attachment parenting is that by responding immediately to your infants needs when they are young you give them confidence in their caregivers and that helps them feel more ok with independence later on. What this means changes as your kids get older, and it's not about indulging your three year olds every whim or anything.


Feeding on demand also helps babies to learn how to feel and act on their feelings of hunger and fullness and there is some evidence it leads to healthy eating habits later in life.

raraavis28

Missa_g said:

AP is not about doing something only a specific way. I wasn't able to BF, we didn't cosleep, and baby wearing was a fail for us. We did not cloth diaper. But I listened to my babies and responded to their needs. I respect their feelings (like hating all carriers). I am an AP mom.

She's got a lot of wisdom. What's at the root of AP, as I understand it, is being close to your children and responding to their needs. The details of that (cosleeping, baby wearing etc.) are simply means to that end, and they might not work for every parent and child. Unfortunately, some crying (and by "some" I mean....well, a lot....)is a fact of life for MoMs, and you can't expect to never have one child crying while you tend to the other....I mean, you're outnumbered, what can ya do? So please don't beat yourself up or feel like you're failing them. You're obviously doing your best, and I believe that deep down babies know when they are loved and cared for, and that's what makes them emotionally strong children.

As far as logistical questions, tandem nursing is a great way to both save time and avoid the waiting-hungry-baby problem. Do you pump at all? You could also have your H or someone else offer a bottle to the other baby while you nurse one. GL and hang in there; you're doing great!

yinyang124

@somewhereincali

I think you should do some research on attachment parenting or responsiveness to baby's cries. I don't mean my words to sound harsh, but I think this topic requires you to think a little deeper. Promptly responding to your baby's cry does not foster dependence, it fosters a sense of security and trust. Like you can't understand the correlation between responsiveness and independence, I can't understand the urgency to teach a baby so-called independence. For me, there are way more important things for them to learn, especially in that first year or so

My one year olds have been playing by themselves for the past hour and a half while I sip some tea. How's that for independence? 

somewhereincali

yinyang124 said:

@somewhereincali

I think you should do some research on attachment parenting or responsiveness to baby's cries. I don't mean my words to sound harsh, but I think this topic requires you to think a little deeper. Promptly responding to your baby's cry does not foster dependence, it fosters a sense of security and trust. Like you can't understand the correlation between responsiveness and independence, I can't understand the urgency to teach a baby so-called independence. For me, there are way more important things for them to learn, especially in that first year or so

My one year olds have been playing by themselves for the past hour and a half while I sip some tea. How's that for independence? 

@yingyang123 I completely agree with you. I was replying to an early poster and the block qote didn't work! My reply is half way down the post. I just wanted to explain to her without flaming since she clearly didn't have any exposure to the idea.

We practice AP with our kids. They didn't play independently for any length of time until 2 but still a big fan

tootsscott

somewhereincali said:

yinyang124 said:

@somewhereincali

I think you should do some research on attachment parenting or responsiveness to baby's cries. I don't mean my words to sound harsh, but I think this topic requires you to think a little deeper. Promptly responding to your baby's cry does not foster dependence, it fosters a sense of security and trust. Like you can't understand the correlation between responsiveness and independence, I can't understand the urgency to teach a baby so-called independence. For me, there are way more important things for them to learn, especially in that first year or so

My one year olds have been playing by themselves for the past hour and a half while I sip some tea. How's that for independence? 

@yingyang123 I completely agree with you. I was replying to an early poster and the block qote didn't work! My reply is half way down the post. I just wanted to explain to her without flaming since she clearly didn't have any exposure to the idea.

We practice AP with our kids. They didn't play independently for any length of time until 2 but still a big fan

Thanks for the non flame!!

thetwinsmama

I a mom of 7 month twin boys and I struggled with not being able to tandem feed in the beginning, and it definitely made things a bit difficult, really difficult because I hated to feel like I was neglecting one of the boys. The boys didn't like to tandem feed and I didn't really like it. I prefer one on one time with them, but I have learned to tandem and it has helped a lot. I also staggered feedings by about 5 minutes so I could finish feeding one boy before the other got really frustrated.

Hope that helps! This just seems to be one of the few downsides to twins.

www.2babiesandabuggy.blogspot.com

LottaLattes

I was absolutely not able to do all the typical AP things with my twins. And things like CIO just happens, you can't hold one baby while changing the other all the time. Never would have done that with my older kids. But they will be just fine and self confident and all that. We put a lot of guilt on ourselves to do everything right, but there are a lot of right ways and barring abuse or neglect they are fine.

pillowass

I remember having these same feelings when my twins were young and I am not an AP. It is incredibly heart-wrenching when you feel like there is not enough of you to go around. Keep in mind that there is no actual science that shows that parents who practice AP have kids who are more secure or attached than parents who do not practice AP. None. Because you are a good mom, your children will have healthy attachments whether or not you follow all of the AP rules. That is not to say that AP is wrong or bad - it's a philosophy that works for many families and has turned out some fantastic kids. But it's not the only way. So do the best you can and give yourself a break! Maybe think of AP as "guidelines" and not rules.

bumpuser924057

My life as a parent really got a lot easier when I stopped trying to live up to labels and do things in an all-or-nothing kind of way, and I say this as someone who really tried to fit into a handful of different categories back when I only had one child.  The Bump really has a way of making people want to claim titles like this, as though someone will be handing out medals at a finish line somewhere for "EBF" and "BLW" and "AP" and whatever the hell else.  Take what you can from the overall philosophy, use what works, and don't stress about the rest of it.  

You don't have to be an "attachment" parent.  Just be a parent.