What is really going on! (Pigs can fly was taken)

Pamelacake

BM told 7yo SD on the phone wed. "it would be nice if your dad and stepmom would give me copies of your things from school"

I did this last year and BM moved and lost them. So I won't print them out like I did before.

I sent BM a pic of SD's honor roll award for the first six weeks through text along with a message. I tried to keep the message short and to the point, I asked her if she would please stop trying to communicate through SD's as that causes confusion and we aren't supposed to be doing that anyways. Confusion meaning, the last text I sent about the costume pics and was pretty much attacked for asking about it.

BM called and left a VM for me saying that she was sorry for doing that and didn't know she wasn't allowed to, and to Thank me for sending the pic. She also demanded all of the other awards and art work from school.

.. nope. sorry. I already gave those to her last year. I do have them all put up and if BM stops switching men every few months, and stops the crazy, I will make her copies and put them in a book or a binder for her. I'm not not doing it to be bitchy.. If those things were really important to her, she would still have them. BM did ask for a copy but I sent a pic instead.. it was hanging on my fridge above DS's awards and beside an ultrasound pic... she got part of those things in there too.  

I know this won't last long, it never does. FI usually sends me an apology text for BM's actions. When I do respond to her craziness, it's with kindness and a bit of sarcasm.

I'm pretty sure FI made BM leave the VM because she was stuttering through the apology and thanks but she wasn't when demanding the other things bc well.. that's what she usually does.  I just don't know how to feel about this situation. I was going to ask you guys before sending the pic in the first place but just figured it wouldn't hurt to be nice..wait.. who am I kidding.. it always backfires when I do something for BM. AH well. Eff it.   

Pamelacake

ehh.. maybe a disc or something instead of a binder. that's cheaper for me. lol

I also don't understand how BM couldn't know that communicating through the kids is a huge NO NO. I know why she was doing it.. to make DH and I look like we don't do anything for her.. to make the girls feel sorry for her.

The joke is on her on that one.... I am always encouraging the girls to color her a picture or give her some of their artwork from school. Their answer... NO.. I made this for YOU.

7yo brought home a picture she painted with her school counselor last Wednesday and it was titled " mom and me under a rainbow" I asked, out of habit, if she wanted to give it to her mom when she came next, SD said no, look at that back. It had who it was from and to "mommy with my name in parentheses" and the date on it. Total AWE moment (=

 

ldmessing

I still don't understnad why your husband isn't the one dealing with her

Ilumine

1) you stop dealing with her and make your DH do. 

2) I am on the hunt for a company that has an industrial sized scanner (the one I was using went under).  I scan everything in and then throw everything but THE MOST important things away.  

She gets a Snapfish book printed out every year.  Since there are always huge coupons for books, especially BOGO1/2, you can make a second one for her ONCE A YEAR.  SD can present that as her gift to BM for Christmas.  

You have just now killed TWO birds with ONE stone. 

+just+j+

She wants something. That's why she's being nice.  There are no pigs flying through the air...she's manipulating you.

And I agree. I've told you this from the beginning. Your husband needs to deal with her and handle all business, yet....you continue to do it.   You are going to grow continually stressed and resentful if you don't start making him handle HIS BUSINESS.  HE married her - or had kids with her. Not you.  Make him handle his shit.

twister22

Why are you the one that deals with her? Is it logistically easier? If so, how? You need to start pushing some on the responsibilities off onto DH, as they should be his responsibilities to begin with. T&Ps your way, you're a saint for all the craziness you deal with. 

KTdidit

twister22 said:

Why are you the one that deals with her? Is it logistically easier? If so, how? You need to start pushing some on the responsibilities off onto DH, as they should be his responsibilities to begin with. T&Ps your way, you're a saint for all the craziness you deal with. 

Agree ^^ I can understand a BM and SM communicating on small things such as PU/DO, but for you to handle EVERYTHING from her?! No way. She's way too cray-cray for you to voluntarily deal with

VedaFlash

It was like that for me with my SS's also.  They eventually would give me things like mother's day gifts they made in school or whatnot.  And I would always automatically ask, is that for your mom?  So I know that warm and fuzzy feeling being acknowledged as mom. 

I also know about me, as a SM, dealing with BM more than my DH would.  I just kind of did it, without realizing so much....  But there was a time when BM was being difficult and I didn't feel right talking to her about it.  I felt it wasn't my place.  DH just would not.  He would not talk to her because he was so upset with her.  I told him one day, I didn't marry her.  I didn't have kids with her.  She's not MY ex-wife.  So he did talk to her and told her everything he had to tell her and that was that.  There's not always been a whole lot of communicating with her, so when I did most of it, usually didn't bother me at all.  Now it's pretty much strictly BM to SS's.  Well actually right now, it's no communication at all.  She's MIA.  I do get it, I was playing peace-keeper by dealing with her, instead of DH doing it.  But there comes a point usually where he needs to step in and handle his own ex.

Pamelacake

I know BM's game. She just asked to see if it would be done. She will probably communicate through SD's next time she calls too just because in her mind, she can do whatever she wants. She doesn't care who it effects.  

I completely agree that DH needs to handle these things.. I sent the pic and the text b/c I knew he would just say "she doesn't deserve it". DH does handle the big things, although he usually isn't here to handle the phone calls. He works a lot.

There is very little communication with BM and I don't speak to her on the phone. DH very rarely speaks to her on the phone no matter how many times she calls b/c when he does call her back, she yells, screams and says to never call her again, stay out of her life blah blah blah. The only time he calls is when she pretends to have a genuine concern about SD's but the above is what he gets when he calls. (She is bi-polar and possibly schizophrenic ..I can't remember on the second one) but she misuses her drugs for these conditions as well as others. The communication is mostly one sided. Nasty, off the wall VM's that I just document and forget about.

And yes.. she is nice when she wants something.. She has proven this many times. I just couldn't believe she called and left that VM. Usually I get a text from FI apologizing. There really isn't anything to handle besides the visits and the phone calls which will hopefully be off of our shoulders soon.

I sent it to be nice and to show SD that we can get along even though SD knows better, not from me b/c I am always pleasant about BM, even when I'm boiling inside. SD doesn't know I sent it yet but BM can't tell her I didn't without lying to her. I was also hoping for a text back for SD.

It would be much more crazy if I let DH do everything. We would definitely not be where we are today. They cannot have a conversation at all. Even when DH was at home during the phone calls in the beginning, he wouldn't be in the room bc the first 2 or 3, BM would continuously try to talk to him instead of SD's, with profanities involved, or ask him random questions that had nothing to do with SD's and when DH would respond he would say something like, we can talk about that at a later time. I know it frustrates BM that she cannot do this anymore, but she still doesn't understand that it is ALL about SD's. it frustrates me that we didn't know at the time that we didn't have to deal with that, the call could have been ended and SD''s wouldn't have had to hear it.

It is insane to deal with but I know I am doing the right thing for the girls and that's what keeps me going. 

VedaFlash

I hope that you can get something set up soon as far as supervised visitation for everyone's sanity! Yep, our BM is bipolar and schizophrenic but refuses to treat herself for mental illness.  She denies it.  Yet she will treat herself to an unknown concoction of illegal drugs for a birthday present from a friend!  Our DHs even seem to have similar mindsets towards the BMs. 

ldmessing

twister22 said:

Why are you the one that deals with her? Is it logistically easier? If so, how? You need to start pushing some on the responsibilities off onto DH, as they should be his responsibilities to begin with. T&Ps your way, you're a saint for all the craziness you deal with. 

I vote for martyr, not saint.  her husband needs to deal with this, not her. 

+just+j+

Pamelacake said:

It would be much more crazy if I let DH do everything. We would definitely not be where we are today. They cannot have a conversation at all. Even when DH was at home during the phone calls in the beginning, he wouldn't be in the room bc the first 2 or 3, BM would continuously try to talk to him instead of SD's, with profanities involved, or ask him random questions that had nothing to do with SD's and when DH would respond he would say something like, we can talk about that at a later time. I know it frustrates BM that she cannot do this anymore, but she still doesn't understand that it is ALL about SD's. it frustrates me that we didn't know at the time that we didn't have to deal with that, the call could have been ended and SD''s wouldn't have had to hear it.

It is insane to deal with but I know I am doing the right thing for the girls and that's what keeps me going. 

Did you ever think that maybe it's crazy to deal with her now because she can't get past you and talk to him? As a BM, I will not discuss DD with anyone other than my XH.  XH and I capable of making our own decisions and if XH handed the phone to R and said, "You talk to her" I'd go BSC on both of them. 

Seriously. Your husband is A GROWN ASS MAN.  He needs to figure out how the F to do this himself or he's going to lose you in the process too.

He works a lot?  Well his girls are going to feel like he abandoned them too and pawned them off on you if he doesn't make the time to handle his business and do what's right for them.  No offense to you, I am sure you are a wonderful SM, but the man has got to handle his business and learn how to communicate with his X.  If that mean only text and email. Fine.  If that means getting a mediator so there is no communication directly between them. FINE.  But he needs to do it.

Period. End of story.

You can help. You can advise. You can give him support.  Just don't do it for him.

Start re-tracting one thing a month, or every week and turn it over to him.  Tell him you are going to lose it if he doesn't start taking on more and figuring it out.

Pamelacake

I get what you are saying, J and I wish they could communicate but after all of this time, it still isn't possible. I finally have DH on board to not fight.. if she starts to fight he hangs up. That's why DH rarely calls BM. BM uses SD's as an excuse to get DH to call her. If he feels she has a genuine concern he will call her. She will start screaming, talking about how she has changed and wants him to take her back, name calling and he will hang up because it wasn't about SD's at all.  

I don't stand in the way of them speaking. He is tired of fighting with BM. I have forced him to call her before when I thought she had a legitimate concern and it turned out it was the wrong thing to do because it was like the above only at that time... he was fighting back.

To be honest.. DH has almost lost me in the process.. the reason I stayed... the kids. None of them deserve to go to the state. They won't go to BM bc she is already unfit in the judge's eyes. DH can't do it by himself because of work. Sure we could get on government assistance and have everyone else pay our bills for us.. that's not what we want.

I have only talked to BM on the phone I think one time and that was almost a year ago. BM texted and asked if the girls could call her.. I texted back sure and dialed for them. BM asked SD if she could talk to me so I got on the phone... didn't want to but I did. She talked like we were best friends.. I knew she ultimately wanted something.. she has always been very manipulative. Not that I wanted to be enemies.. but I didn't need to know the things she was telling me. BM wanted me to be on her side and I guess thought I was completely stupid.. a lot of people think I am because I am here.. with half of a baseball team of kids that aren't biologically mine.

DH and BM talk to each other the way they did when they were together.. scream and call names. That's what the kids were subjected to. DH would go to work late and come home early to pick up his kids, take them to a sitter and go back to work or hang out with his kids. This isn't just what I have been told.. I have seen it firsthand.  

DH does take days off just to hang out with the kids. He does get down easily if we don't pay bills early... he is constantly worried about money and having money ahead of time. We are working on that now.. I am trying to get him in the mindset that the money doesn't matter... He takes care of the bills.. we have plenty, all of the kids included and they would rather spend time with him than have a new toy that is just going to sit in the closet or toy box until it's donated. So I am getting him to work less.. it's a little hard at times due to all of the appointments we have but he is spending more time at home with the kids, still not as much as I would like but .. work in progress!

I think this is the only time that I have texted BM without DH's knowledge beforehand. I knew he wouldn't want her to have that pic.. but I felt it was the right thing to do.

 

ldmessing

Pamelacake said:

I get what you are saying, J and I wish they could communicate but after all of this time, it still isn't possible. I finally have DH on board to not fight.. if she starts to fight he hangs up. That's why DH rarely calls BM. BM uses SD's as an excuse to get DH to call her. If he feels she has a genuine concern he will call her. She will start screaming, talking about how she has changed and wants him to take her back, name calling and he will hang up because it wasn't about SD's at all.  

I don't stand in the way of them speaking. He is tired of fighting with BM. I have forced him to call her before when I thought she had a legitimate concern and it turned out it was the wrong thing to do because it was like the above only at that time... he was fighting back.

To be honest.. DH has almost lost me in the process.. the reason I stayed... the kids. None of them deserve to go to the state. They won't go to BM bc she is already unfit in the judge's eyes. DH can't do it by himself because of work. Sure we could get on government assistance and have everyone else pay our bills for us.. that's not what we want.

I have only talked to BM on the phone I think one time and that was almost a year ago. BM texted and asked if the girls could call her.. I texted back sure and dialed for them. BM asked SD if she could talk to me so I got on the phone... didn't want to but I did. She talked like we were best friends.. I knew she ultimately wanted something.. she has always been very manipulative. Not that I wanted to be enemies.. but I didn't need to know the things she was telling me. BM wanted me to be on her side and I guess thought I was completely stupid.. a lot of people think I am because I am here.. with half of a baseball team of kids that aren't biologically mine.

DH and BM talk to each other the way they did when they were together.. scream and call names. That's what the kids were subjected to. DH would go to work late and come home early to pick up his kids, take them to a sitter and go back to work or hang out with his kids. This isn't just what I have been told.. I have seen it firsthand.  

DH does take days off just to hang out with the kids. He does get down easily if we don't pay bills early... he is constantly worried about money and having money ahead of time. We are working on that now.. I am trying to get him in the mindset that the money doesn't matter... He takes care of the bills.. we have plenty, all of the kids included and they would rather spend time with him than have a new toy that is just going to sit in the closet or toy box until it's donated. So I am getting him to work less.. it's a little hard at times due to all of the appointments we have but he is spending more time at home with the kids, still not as much as I would like but .. work in progress!

I think this is the only time that I have texted BM without DH's knowledge beforehand. I knew he wouldn't want her to have that pic.. but I felt it was the right thing to do.

 

and things will never change as long as you keep staying in the middle.

Pamelacake

Some things have changed and we are working on others. SD's know that there is no possible way for DH and BM to get along. That is the norm for them though. DH has been trying with the phone calls that he handles, he doesn't say anything out of line to BM and he is polite. But I don't see it ever changing beyond that. BM is stuck in the past and what could have been, what should have been done differently.

I'm sorry if I'm not following what you are saying.

ETA: I meant phone calls between SD's and BM. I am also going to have another talk with DH today about these things and use J's and llumine's advice.