It's Stormy Outside.

diamante1181

Woke up this morning, and it is raining outside. It's pouring down and I can't help but notice how symbolic it is of our current circumstance. Yesterday we went to get a frame from Things Remembered with an engraving of their names, the phrase 'forever loved', and their birthday. It is so beautiful. I opened the memory box to the get the picture out (it is one where they are both together), and started shaking and crying. DH broke down and started bawling on the floor. It was so horrible to witness. I know he has held it in too long to be strong for me. He admitted that after the calm. I was just so heartbroken, not just for myself but for dh. I know he is hurting also. I wish I could shoulder the pain all myself so he could be okay. The twins still aren't home yet. I'm assuming we will get the call today saying we can go pick them up. I know every day is a little better, but is it ever better? My children are not with me, and that will never be okay. Not to my heart. Sorry I had to let this out before I explode in my house.

kz's_girlygirl

I don't think it will ever be "better", but I think we will all learn to live with the grief and make room for it.  I think as time goes on, we will be able to get through a day without crying, and then a couple of days, and then a week maybe. 

I'm so sorry you and your husband are hurting   I hope you can pick up your precious babies soon, and are able to create a special place in your home where you can go to remember them and feel peace.  The bookshelf we set up with Jesse's urn, photos, memory box and a candle is a really peaceful place for me to sit.  I light his candle every day and kiss his urn (which might sound weird...) and tell him I love him, and it really gives me a sense of peace.

to you all today and as you prepare to bring home your twins. 

diamante1181

kz's_girlygirl said:

I don't think it will ever be "better", but I think we will all learn to live with the grief and make room for it.  I think as time goes on, we will be able to get through a day without crying, and then a couple of days, and then a week maybe. 

I'm so sorry you and your husband are hurting   I hope you can pick up your precious babies soon, and are able to create a special place in your home where you can go to remember them and feel peace.  The bookshelf we set up with Jesse's urn, photos, memory box and a candle is a really peaceful place for me to sit.  I light his candle every day and kiss his urn (which might sound weird...) and tell him I love him, and it really gives me a sense of peace.

to you all today and as you prepare to bring home your twins. 

I don't think this sounds weird at all. In my mind I have pictured myself doing the exact same thing, except their urns aren't here yet. I just want them to come home already. And then yesterday the funeral home called us TWICE to get info for their certificates. I wish the torture would end.

jbranden12

((hugs))

*rainbow mentioned*

It will never be okay that our children aren't with us. It has been 19 months since Patricia died and we have had our rainbow for over 9 months. Just yesterday DH and I were changing Anna's diaper together then I picked her up and he put his arms around us and we were dancing. As wonderful as the moment was, my eyes immediately filled with tears and I told Anna how much I wish her big sister was there with us. Our family will never be complete without her. I do not "fixate" or "dwell" on her death, it is normal and okay to miss her all the time and wish she were here every day for the rest of my life. I love Anna and she fills me with joy, but there is room in our hearts for both an incredible amount of joy and an equal amount of sadness and grief, all of which stem from love for our children. 

cawettig

I am so sorry for the pain, dh had to be so strong for me too. When I see him break down I instantly try to be stronger and comfort him. For a long time I would be mad at him for holding it in too much. I needed to see the breakdowns he had because I felt he wasn't hurting and only I was. It brought us so much more together. I have my Arianna in our china hut between the living room and kitchen. I feel like she is part of everything we do because she I'd so close. I also have her blanket and monkey toy hanging on my mirror in my room. I look at her blanket every morning and hold on to it when I need to. Every month on her anniversary we light a candle for her.

diamante1181

We got one of those big pillar candles (usually in the latin food aisle at the supermarket). We have had a lit candle in the house ever since I came home from the hospital. I don't see a future where one isn't lit, at this point. I, also, find instant strength when dh breaks down. I have also felt a little like I don't want any affection, and dh is very affectionate. I just try to remind myself that he needs me just as much as I need him, and I need to be there for him, too. 

mingaling2

I can't imagine it being better, per se, just less of a sting. There will always be an emptiness in my heart. 

irons633

I am so sorry dear and I am sending you big hugs. I am having my moments myself and I know over time it does get easier. Praying for your brighter days ahead my love.

CRUN2012

You must live in the midwest? I live in Wisconsin and the last couple of days have been rainy and cloudy. I thought to myself 'how fitting'....but then last night out of nowhere there was the most beautiful sunset and sky. My husband and I stared at it for a long time and talked about how our baby Carter must have the best view of all! It helped me feel peaceful and hopeful that even after all this crap there will be beauty in our lives again ♡

diamante1181

Ohhh yes. Chicago. It has been rainy and cold, which usually we love because I love to drink hot chocolate, makes soups, wear sweaters, etc. There was no glimpse of sun for us here yesterday but I'm glad you got to enjoy a little bit of scenery and remember your baby Carter.