- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
proudmommy15
member
Feeling scared and need advice please :(
proudmommy15
member
I will try to make this short and to the point.
For the past 11 months I have been pretty much a single parent, my daughters father wasn't in her life and I was living at home with my mom. Everything that my daughters father should've been there for (Dr's appts, shots, family vacations, etc) my mom was there for us instead of him so we have grew very close to her. I have been close to her my whole life and she is also like a best friend to me, I love her so much for being a great mother to me and also a wonderful Meme to my daughter. My baby girl loves her Meme so much since we have lived in the house with her since she was born, that's all she knows and when my daughter was up every hour to breast feed she also helped me through those rough times. There were alot of reasons why my daughters father and I couldn't work our relationship out at the time and even though he was in his mid 20s I don't think he was completely ready for a child. He has came around now and is actually great around our daughter but it is SO SO hard for me to forget the past for some reason. I love him so much, I constantly thought about him when we weren't together and tried seeing other people but I couldn't ever get him out of my head or why he couldn't just act like a decent father then. In the time that we were separated he purchased his own house and has now made mention of us living with him. This has brought up so many concerns with me, my daughter doesn't adapt very well to new places since my moms house is all she knows. I am very scared even thinking about it for the sake of leaving my mom when she is my sense of security and I know it would be very different not seeing her every day for both Aubree and I. I know everyone has to leave at some point but I don't wanna do anything to hard my daughter, that's the last thing I want to do. I told him that he needed to give me time to think about this and learn to trust him fully again before we made that big of a commitment. I have just recently weaned my daughter, she was exclusively breastfed for a year and I believe that has my hormones somewhat messed up too. I feel so hesitant and sad about the whole situation because I would love for us to live together as a family, I know that my daughter deserves that but the thought of it not working out and my daughter having to go there and leave me for visitation is always in the back of my mind. (She has never been away from me for more than a few hours) I have a bond with her that i'd never EVER want to do anything to harm and I would really appreciate any insight or opinions on what may be best to do in this situation. Thank you in advance and please if you don't have anything helpful or nice to say just don't reply because I am already feeling so down about this.
TIA again. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Feeling scared and need advice please :(
If you think he is serious, and maybe he is, you two need to work on your relationship for at least a year before you make that move. The worst thing you could do is attempt to go play house with this guy, him think of it as a strictly roommate situation and then have to leave and go back to mom's. A steady visitation pattern should be established so that your dd can spend time with her dad and adapt to that environment. This should not always include you. Nor should your time with him always include her, if you are going to move forward as a family you two need to have a solid relationship.
Do NOT move in as roommates, that will lead nowhere good. For anyone
I also want to add that you mentioned that change is hard on your daughter. I think you would be surprised at how resiliant kids are. It sounds more like youre the one having a tough time with the thought of change. You also sound like you may have some anxiety. If you do what i suggested, thats a good way to ease into the change slowly which may be easier for you to handle.
A steady visitation schedule needs to be established (COed) for your daughter's sake and also to protect both yours and BD's rights, regardless of how your relationship eventually works out.
I'm reading that your daughter is about a year old, right? That is an age where she will have no problem making adjustments to new situations IF YOU LET HER. I get the feeling that her "not adjusting to new environments easily" is more on you than her. And I don't mean that ugly. I just mean that at her age, kids adjust fine if asked the space to do so. In fact, now is the time to be exposing her to new and different situations to prepare her to be a well rounded, outgoing, independent child.
You seem to be our have become very dependent on your mom and your DD. You cannot raise your daughter to be strong and independent if you are not so. Unless the BD is a safety concern (and you have already said he had become a good father or wants to be), then BD and DD deserve a relationship independent of you. I know that must hurt you to think of it. But it's true. Even "intact" families need independent relationships between members in addition to the family dynamic as a whole. And no one ever said "intact" was necessarily better or more stable. We all know people who have gone down dark paths after being raised in an "intact" family.
Children are much happier and better balanced when their parents can get along or at least co-parent. And sometimes when a child is created by two people who were not meant to be together or do not want to be together, parenting apart is the best way to go.
When children are involved, never live together without lifelong commitment in both partners' actions, heads, and hearts. Never be together just for the child. They will be the ones who end up being most miserable and damaged. And never jump into a relationship with anyone now that you have a child without first being comfortable with your own independence. If you cannot take care of yourself and DD and be comfortable alone, then you are not ready for a relationship. Period.
That doesn't mean that you can't live with your mom and accept her help in your way to where you need to be. But you should be working on you and getting your heart and mind where they need to be too be a good, healthy, stable role model and mother to DD.
And let DD have a relationship with her BD unimpeded by you. He can never learn to be a true father and really embrace the role should be taking on if you are hovering. Let him start having a regular schedule of overnights and weekend visits without you. Maybe one 24hr period each weekend with one evening visit each week for the first month to get them acquainted and settled and then every other weekend or whatever the two of you actually want to be COed as visitation from the second month on out. Get it in writing and get it COed asap.
ETA: Auto correct on my phone is stupid and messes up my grammar.
Also, I know your emotions probably are all over the place. I BFed, also. I was forced to so at 6wks because of my DS's health, and it about killed me. I was sort depressed. Having to stop BFing was very hard. The bond you build is incredibly strong. And when you feel like a single parent (even if you aren't) it's very easy to rely on baby as much for your own support as they do for you.
He needs to "date" you. Start over. Date. Court you. PROVE TO YOU, that he can be a real dad and significant other in your life.
Also, I feel every child deserves and intact family, but I left my husband because I knew I could raise her in a healthier household without him in it. DD is much happier and better for it. And so am I.
Make sure you are not in love with the "idea" of him and an intact relationship. He needs to follow thru and given your comments...I'd almost bet he isn't capable of it. Sorry. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's the vibe I'm getting. Your title says that you're scared. Listen to that. That's why I say go slow, date, and wait. You rush back into this, you're going to regret it.
Just because he is your childs father doesn't mean you need to jump into moving in his house.
He already proved once that he wasn't husband/father material. Now he needs to prove that he IS. That takes time. Just because he has a house doesn't mean squat. Is he paying child support? Maybe he w
ants to get out of that so his solution is to have you move in.
I didn't read anything about him missing YOU, loving YOU, etc.
If he truly loves you and wants to be with you ( keep the child out of this part) then let him date you and show you he is serious.
One more thing for you to think about. I'm a firm believer because I learned the hard way with my XH: When someone shows who they are and what kind of person they are - BELIEVE THEM. People don't just magically change because they say they love you. They are who they are and it would take a lot longer than a year or two for them to really significantly change.
There a plenty of guys out there that will love you and treat you and your child right for you to settle for a guy who's already proven to you he can not be counted on. Think long and hard about this one.
But I still highly suggest that you work the two of you out before rushing into moving in together again. If you two are dating again, however recent or long term this development is, then work on that. One thing I think almost every single one of the board members here would say about their BF beginnings is that they wish they would have taken things slower, even if their families are doing well.
I think this should apply even in your situation to give your daughter the best possible chance at having an intact family. When you move to fast, you create some serious obstacles for yourselves. I hope you can see the obvious logic there since having a baby together had already complicated things for the two of you. PLEASE don't get defensive at that. Having a child can change a lot things in either direction. I am not judging you or trying to talk down to you. I am speaking to you from experience.
I was very very young when I jumped into a BF and conceived my son shortly after. I have a wonderful DH and family and do not regret a thing, but it doesn't mean that the rush did not create some major difficulties for us. I have stuck through a lot of situations that other people would baled on a long time ago, a lot of times when people in this board told me I should walk. My family, my marriage is of the highest importance to me. I do understand what you want.
Just don't fool yourself and confuse being in love with the ideal of family with being in love with BF and part of a rewarding partnership that will make a good environment to raise your DD in together.
Also in response to Ghostice's comment about someone being able to change our not: You can't make anyone change. And no one will change for you. If they want to, they will change for themselves. Sometimes you just get blessed to have a partner that wants to change the way you have been wanting them to. Most of making a relationship work, though, is not about change. It's about figuring out what you can and can't accept and deciding how to accept it. Can you about BF the way he is now, in every aspect, and be perfectly happy? You're not going to know that answer right of the top of your head. You might be inclined to automatically say yes because that is what you want. But if you give dating and growing together some time and then your answer is yes, go ahead and get married. If you say, "Woah, I'm not talking about getting married," then why talk about moving in? To a child, their parents under the same roof raising them and carrying for them, a break up or a divorce would be just as devastating.
My point is not that you need to be married to live together. My point is that if you can't marry him, don't live with him. As a single adult, that could have been an option, with a child, it shouldn't be.