Intro - SS' feeling less important

Jo2013

Hello, new here however not new to the bump. I really need to talk. Will you allow me in intro?

SO and I had a child, DS, together this past Jan. He has two DS' from a prior relationship. They are now 14 and 10. I have been in the picture for almost 5 years. We have them 3 nights a week sometimes more.

We live in a very small two bed two bath home however it has a full finished basement. When we were pregnant we moved the boys into the basement and turned the room they were sharing into the nursery. They are on one half of the basement and the other has basically become storage.

We told them we were planning on turning the other 1/2 into a play room for their baby brother for Christmas. I got a text today from the older child saying they feel like we are basically pushing them out of the house and that they feel the baby is more important than them. And the younger of the two is scared to sleep down there. This is a recent development as at first they both really liked it down there.

I just feel so sad and awful for them. We need a bigger house but we can't afford that right now. I don't know what to do. I told him we love them so much and the baby isn't more important and we will all sit down and come up with a solution because we aren't ok them feeling like that. We are talking about maybe us and the baby moving to the basement and giving them the two rooms on the main level. I just remember feeling like that as a kid after my dad and stepmom had kids and I don't want them to feel this way. As a new mom I'm having a hard time knowing where this line is.

I'm really sorry this got so long.

Littlejen22

As for sleeping, I would explain to them that the baby is younger and needs to be closer to you guys at night.  If he is really scared he can crash on the couch or something like that but that is not the most ideal.  Try to talk about what exactly is scaring him.

I do think you were insensitive that you told them you were turning half of the basement into a play room for a 10mo.  I am sure you were not trying to be but think about it, why would an infant need a play room?  I would rethink the other half of the basement and make it into a hang out room for the family, the baby's toys can be there but so can their stuff, they are there half the week and should be able to use that room too, think TV, video games, music, age appropriate board games, etc.  

Note:  I just say you are considering you guys moving to the basement, before you talk to them think about if that is feasible or not and if it would solve the issue.  SS might be scared of the basement but he might be scared of sleeping without you guys on the same level.  And if you guys move downstairs, would they be getting their own room?  What happens when the baby is older and not in your room?

Jo2013

Yeah see when SO and I were talking about it I said it needs to be an area for them too. When he presented it to them made it sound like just for DS. I could instantly tell it bothered the 14yr old and felt horrible. They do have two TVs and two game systems on the other 1/2 but I totally agree with what your saying.

They would be in their own rooms if we swapped. As far as what would we do when baby got older, who the hell knows. Hope we're in a bigger place by then?

emikat

If you move to the basement, couldn't the boys share one room and then you would have the other room to use for your LO when he moves out of yours?  That seems like a good solution.  Especially, since the boys were used to sharing a room at your place before. 

Sigir

I agree with LittleJen. A 10 mo old def does not need a playroom, and a 14 year old would think it would really suck to have 1/2 their room turned into a preschool. I would present them w options. Either they stay down there and the other 1/2 of the room gets turned into a family game area, with an emphasis on their stuff. Or they go upstairs back to their shared room and you all go downstairs.

Jo2013

Thanks Emikat I hadn't thought of that scenario. I will present this as an option as well.

I appreciate you guys letting me vent last night. This is weighing very heavy on my heart and I just want them to know its their home too and be excited about coming over like they used to be.

sweetwalks

I agree with trying to find a solution without having to move rooms again.

Finish the basement, if it's not already, let them decorate. If it's in your budget and you can add walls (assuming there are windows, etc to keep up with fire code) that will give them their own spaces down there..

KTdidit

I agree with finishing the basement and letting them make the space their own. I think instead of making the other half of the basement infant-focused, it should be about the family hanging out together. Make it a second living room down there. Do as much as you can to make it feel like just another floor to the house, rather than a basement.

DH and I are searching for our next home and we want enough bedrooms for each kid to have their own room. I'm finding a lot of houses have the 4th BR on the lower level/basement and I struggle with if DS will feel disconnected from us, like we banished him to the basement. Or if he would love it since he will be the oldest and he could get away from the other kids. (and that's even IF we will need to use the 4th BR). 

SueBear

Some thoughts....if the younger one is scared, then let him share with the baby. If the room was big enough for two older boys, it should be big enough for a 9 and 1 year old. He might not like it, but that would be his choice. 2) Can you convert a dining room or other room into a bedroom (wall it off) and make the downstairs your family / living room? 3) Imo there is no need for a 1 year old with their own room to have a separate playroom. should the rest of he basement be a family room for everyone? Ok, but not the baby's playroom! 4) Make sure the basement meets fire code! Sorry - I am posting from a tablet!

Jo2013

Yes we have proper exists and it's super warm in the winter and cool in the summer.

ambrvan

I am envisioning two possibilities for how the basement is currently set up.

Is it separated into two ROOMS so that the boys' current basement bedroom is completely independent of the rest of the space?

Or is it a common area basement where the bus use one side and the other is being used for storage and later a playroom?

If it is already two separate spaces, address SS10's fears, then decide: master and nursery downstairs, boys get their own rooms downstairs, or boys share downstairs with a family room or a common area geared mostly towards them.

I particularly like the last one with a common area for the older kids. At this age, your DS will spend must of his time with you, but as he gets older, he will, no doubt, want to go where the video games and big stinky boy stuff is. Lol. And with this option, you have some adult privacy from the obnoxious adolescent boy behaviors.

Whatever you decide, I think that the older boys definitely need the space much more than LO. My H is always trying to keep things "fair" between DS and SD, and I keep having to remind him that kids don't see fair the same way we do. It's about what is most valuable to them at that moment and that age.

Jo2013

ambrvan said:

I am envisioning two possibilities for how the basement is currently set up.

Is it separated into two ROOMS so that the boys' current basement bedroom is completely independent of the rest of the space?

Or is it a common area basement where the bus use one side and the other is being used for storage and later a playroom?

If it is already two separate spaces, address SS10's fears, then decide: master and nursery downstairs, boys get their own rooms downstairs, or boys share downstairs with a family room or a common area geared mostly towards them.

I particularly like the last one with a common area for the older kids. At this age, your DS will spend must of his time with you, but as he gets older, he will, no doubt, want to go where the video games and big stinky boy stuff is. Lol. And with this option, you have some adult privacy from the obnoxious adolescent boy behaviors.

Whatever you decide, I think that the older boys definitely need the space much more than LO. My H is always trying to keep things "fair" between DS and SD, and I keep having to remind him that kids don't see fair the same way we do. It's about what is most valuable to them at that moment and that age.

Hard to explain but basically a long common area with a wing that branches off. The wing is where their sleeping area and bathroom is. Right next to it, part of the long common area, they have a couch second tv and second game system with a fireplace. Behind that is where we are currently storing crap.

I think we will address the fears first, see if we can set anything up to ease that. If not, I think the next opinion is younger SS and DS sharing DS' current room upstairs. We have decided against the playroom and want to get ideas from them on how they want to use that part if the basement. Either way it needs some love.

We are also going to implement monthly dinners with dad where once a month he takes one of the boys out to dinner alone. They don't get much one on one time with him due to scheduling reasons but I think this will be a good start.

ambrvan

I think it sounds like y'all are on the right track. I doesn't sound like you ever meant to treat them less than. And I don't think you actually are. Its all about perceptions, and kids perceive things differently than we do.