Sadness

irons633

Tonight will be the hubby's first night back to work since we lost Olivia 12 days ago. I am already afraid of the night since that is when I seem to get really lost on my thoughts as well as when I see her face. I am just so mad that I am here again greiving over another baby that I should be preparing for. Not crying constantly and feeling as of I'm in a terrible dream that I can not wake up from. I'll be home for another month and a half and I keno that it will get easier but it just seems like every time I look at myself I get the reminder that my precious baby girl is no longer with me. It seems just like yesterday that she was inside me and we would have our nightly conversations and she would kick for me. I just feel empty and somtimes like I can not do what a women is supposed to and that is have a child!!! I am feeling just a sense of hopelessness and even though I have unfortunately gone thru this before I just seem to be a lot sadder. I am very anxious for the holidays to past and for this year to end so that we can start next year off pray for a better year. Sorry for the emotional rant but I feel as if I'm spinning and no stop is in sight.

stefuge

***LO ticker*** I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs and prayers. I don't have any advice or encouragement about getting through, I feel like I'm trying to just survive myself, but know that you are not alone.

irons633

Thank you ladies!! I hate that we even know each other's pain.

schulme2

I'm so sorry. I feel you. I still have nights that I don't want to come because I'm afraid I won't stop crying as I try to fall asleep. I'm sorry you're going through this and sending big hugs and prayers your way!

diamante1181

I'm so sorry. I feel the same way, a lot. I wish a hug and a prayer could fix everything. T&P.

kz's_girlygirl

It's definitely tough when your partner goes back to work and you are still home. I am a stay at home wife, and when DH went back I was lucky to have my mom here.  This week he has been traveling for work and Mom is gone too.  I am a little embarrassed to say I spent the day yesterday watching tv, eating Halloween candy and making my way through a bottle of wine. 

I am also not looking forward to the holidays with as much excitement as I usually do.  one of my cousin's is due a few weeks before I would have been, and I have just decided not to go to the big family gathering.  As happy as I am for her, the sight of her beautiful belly will just remind me what I should be looking like and I don't think I can take it.  We are just going to celebrate with my parents/MIL, and sisters/their husbands and kids.  That will be hard enough.

You are doing the best you can, and that is enough. Lots of love being sent your way. 

jbranden12

((hugs)) I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. 

mingaling2

I was so anxious when DH went back to work. I hope that you'll be able to get through it, though please know it is okay if it's hard.  I'll be thinking of you. 

irons633

Thank you so much ladies! Last night was difficult found myself crying a lot but I the pn wrote on my blog to my babies and journaled how I felt. Emailed my mom about how I was feeling I so wish she didn't live 4 hours away because it's soe thing about your mom who can make you feel good. I will be contacting a therapist for I think I need to talk to someone before I really get to a point to where I can't come out. Have any of you ladies talked with a therapist before about your loss?

diamante1181

Have not, but am seriously considering it. I have also been journaling, crying, blasting the music, writing poetry. Basically all the things that when I would go through things when i was younger used to help me. So far I'm ok, but I think I still may need professional help before any future attempts at a little rainbow, or before I have a breakdown.

stefuge

***LO ticker ***DS mentioned*** DH and I have started seeing a grief counselor. We've only gone a couple times, but it has been helpful. My doctor had recommended it, and beyond that, I wanted to make sure that we were processing everything okay and in a healthy way. I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past (and PPD after having DS1). So far, we have both found it helpful. It's a safe place to talk and be intentional about dealing with our grief and our marriage, since we are grieving differently, and it helps to have the therapist there to facilitate.

VyD81

I'm sorry that you are alone at night. I hope each night will get a little easier for you. Big hugs. I haven't gone to a counselor but thinking I need to. Will be making an appointment soon

irons633

Thank you ladies! I'll be attending the therapy session alone first because I have a lot of guilt I'm carrying even though there was nothing I could do. And that is what I'm dealing with the most is the guilt of knowing that my baby was perfect but it was my body that failed my daughter and possibly my son. And I think that is why I am having such a hard time dealing with this loss and I know that a therapist can help me understand that I cannot carry that guilt. My husband is open to going to therapy but I do know for right now I need to get some help for myself before I can even be good for him or to get my myself ready to have another a baby.