I missed the PPD/PPA check-in...Kinda TL;DR

nancy30005

I also have something to get off my chest.. I love y'all for being y'all. 

Newbs, please don't stop posting. I love everyone of y'all. I cannot find the original post. I'm sofa king sorry. 

Grandma had to be transported (because she's in a wheelchair and has dementia) to her cardiologist. When I arrived to meet her (with my son) she told me my Dad (who lives in fucking Texas) would be ashamed of me and I was a horrible granddaughter and I'd go to Hell for what I did to her. I was apparently "an asshole" and this is coming from a woman that wouldn't let us say 'fart' in her house. 

I realize it's dementia, but I couldn't stop crying. In front of my son. It was a huge attack, and I haven't had one since Cymbalta. The people were so great there. I don't even know her SSN or anything, so while on the phone w/ the nursing home she was screaming "STOP KIDNAPPING ME, NANCY.YOU NEVER LOVED ME." 

Um, more tears. I'm just trying to do my best. 

___ intermission____

Another thing I need to address...

I went to the park with Beau today. He climbs and climbs and my gut, sphincter, heart, soul gets so fucking tight. I keep imagining the worst case scenario. He's fuking three.  All I can think of is CRACKED ASS SKULL, or when he climbs up the stairs, he'll fall backwards and hurt himself and die. 

I haven't opened up like this because I always miss the check in, but I'm wondering if y'all have anxiety at the Godforsaken playground? I imagine everything to the extreme. 

The logical side is all "boys get hurt" but the Nancy-side is like "bubble-wrap that kid". 

I have had two beers and I haven't been drinking for a while, so sorry. Y'all are the best therapy. Evar. 

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Holy Fuckstain. Thanks for letting me vent, my chicks. I love you all. If you made it this far, you have this:

meaglamillion

I'm sorry about your grandma, that sounds horrible. Yes I experience anxiety while out and about like that. Any number of things could happen and half the time I'm convinced they will. I then realize I'm being paranoid, after talking myself down.

nancy30005

Thanks @meglamillion and @Mamasighs.

It was just a huge combo of all craziness. 

@meaglamillion  - TTM about "talking yourself down". The only reason I got my shit together is because my kid was all "why you cryin mama?".

@Mamasighs - for real? At the playground? Wow, I'm sorry sweets, but I get it.
 I'm on so many drugs I don't know why my brain won't effing just stop. I can be logical, but I just fucking can't. 

Thanks, guys. I'm in therapy, but the broad doesn't live with me, so there's that.

XOXO

nancy30005

Also, y'all - love tits=hugs.

meaglamillion

If I start to feel the anxiety creep up, it is easier stop it. I try to look at it from an outside point of view, going through the thoughts and questioning if they're rational. I'm more afraid of the idea of being attacked by another person than the kiddos falling and getting hurt on their own, though.

I've found it is way easier when I'm out and about instead of at home to use this technique.

HopeAlive3

I'm really sorry about your grandma. I know that must've been so hard, and it sounds like you're going through a lot overall... Do you have anyone close - fam or friends - living nearby?