What would you do?

iheartsippycups

If you wanted to go trick or treating with you sisters kids & yours, and a coworker asks to come along with her grandson she is raising (which would be fine), you haven't confirmed that this is your plan yet, BUT then you find out she wants to bring the grandson's father (her son) who is currently in rehab for heroin addiction, and you don't feel comfortable around him because he has a horrific past of stealing, drug use, and a whole list of crap, but you don't want to tell the coworker that because she will get very offended. (yes, he is in rehab, but he gets passes in the evening as long as he doesn't have meetings that night) How do I handle this? Even if I lied and said I wasn't going to do anything now, then I can't post pics on facebook or she will see.

Help me please

robinsokj

What do you honestly think would happen?

Helenahhandbasket

Just don't post pics on facebook?

iheartsippycups

I don't think anything would happen, I just don't feel comfortable around him, and neither would my sister

Monkeybabe

Is this guy coming into your home? If you're just going trick or treating, I doubt he'd be stealing candy, so I wouldn't be too worried about it.

WasNotWas

I wouldn't lie, I'd just tell your co-worker that it doesn't make you comfortable. You could say that it's because you don't know him, not that you think something would happen.

EVA116

I guess I am biased towards this because my Uncle is a recovering addict and he is a sweet man that made some bad choices.

I think you should just let him come along....I agree with @robinsokj...what is going to happen?

ridesbuttons

I don't get it.  Do you think he will be shooting up while you're ToTing? 

iheartsippycups

We would be at my sisters house, and again, I don't think he would steal or anything, but he literally held his mom at gunpoint 4 months ago and drained her bank account. Yes he is in rehab now, and I hope he gets the help he needs, but I honestly don't want to be around him.

Monkeybabe

If you really don't want him around the kids, just be honest. It might piss her off, but it's easier to be honest than to deal with her finding out you lied.

EVA116

Can you just go with them to a few houses and then go out a bit later with just your sister?

Nechie122

The guy wants to make an effort to take his son ToTing. You're going to be outdoors, probably surrounded by other groups of parents with their kids similarly going from house to house. The guy will be there with his mother and his child. He is in rehab. I would put the guy's past out of your mind and carry on as planned.

CinemaGoddess

I think it's unfair to exclude him because he's recovering from an addiction. 

I'm assuming that you're going door-to-door ToTing.  Why can't they meet up with you somewhere along the route instead of coming to your sister's house, if that's an issue for you or your sister?  

scoutkate

If it were me, I would roll with it.  He is seeking help and making an effort to be a part of a special night for his kid--I would try to muster up some compassion and keep my mouth shut.  I really can't think of what risks you might be up against by allowing him to come.  Your only other option is to be straight with your coworker and tell her you're uncomfortable with it.  There's no way to sugar-coat it, it just is what it is. 

iheartsippycups

Thanks for the input, but I guess my feelings are different that most on the situation.

CinemaGoddess

iheartsippycups said:

Thanks for the input, but I guess my feelings are different that most on the situation.

So you only came here for validation, not for actual opinions? 

scoutkate

I just reread your OP.  Please don't lie to her, that's just wrong. 

iheartsippycups

CinemaGoddess said:

iheartsippycups said:

Thanks for the input, but I guess my feelings are different that most on the situation.

So you only came here for validation, not for actual opinions? 

I just wanted to see how other people would handle it, but apparently I am just more uptight than everyone else. I am not here to fight with anyone over it.

robinsokj

iheartsippycups said:

CinemaGoddess said:

iheartsippycups said:

Thanks for the input, but I guess my feelings are different that most on the situation.

So you only came here for validation, not for actual opinions? 

I just wanted to see how other people would handle it, but apparently I am just more uptight than everyone else. I am not here to fight with anyone over it.

This is not news

ILoveBoys

As a sister to someone who was jailed for 4 months due to being busted with drugs, then he went through a year of inpatient rehab....I get the uptight feeling. I've been there, yes, even with my own brother. HOWEVER....everyone makes mistakes. Some mistakes are bigger than others. 

   But the biggest thing my brother said that helped him, was people accepting him even though he had messed up, people treating him "normally". I'm not to say that this guy your co-worker knows will get clean and stay clean....and I'm not wanting to fight about it either. Just trying to give a little perspective from the other side. 

 (He probably stole, etc because of the drugs.)

Smootchy

@iheartsippycups sorry I gotta post and run but I just wanted to let you know that I understand. 

I do not think you should lie to her but maybe you and sis could sorta have an outside bonfire in the driveway if you're planning on hanging out at her house. IF they are just wanting to ToT then have them come literally to ToT. Like, when they show up, you start walking as a group to ToT. 

iheartsippycups

I understand what you guys are saying, and like I said, I think it is great he is in rehab, and I really hope he gets the help he needs. I don't know, maybe I could just stay at my house, and invite them there. I know my sister does not want him at her house for sure.

Smootchy

Can you A) move the party to your house vs sister and would sister come? tell coworker honestly that sister or blame her SO.. doesn't feel comfortable. 

I'm sorry. I totally get that people make mistakes. But it's been 4 months. He held his mother by gun point and drained her account.... I think it's very big of you if you can take the step to give him a chance but I also see this as something he has to deal with. He fucked up so bad that people are now scared of you. OP isn't his family. She doesn't owe it to him to give him the benefit of the doubt. Should you? Maybe. Would it be the very good thing of you to do? Yes. Certainly. 

I agree with others that he probably isn't going to make off with your flat screen before he leaves. It will probably/more than likely/like pretty certain be totally fine. BUT you're feelings are totally understandable IMO

iheartsippycups

My sister probably wouldn't come if he is there- she just doesn't want to associate with him at all. I would be willing to have them at my house, but I would feel bad not letting my kid t&t with his cousins. I honestly don't want to offend her or lie to her. I just feel like I am stuck between a rock & a hard place.

shannond354

iheartsippycups said:

I understand what you guys are saying, and like I said, I think it is great he is in rehab, and I really hope he gets the help he needs. I don't know, maybe I could just stay at my house, and invite them there. I know my sister does not want him at her house for sure.

Why don't you agree to meet at the start of the route you want to take? That seems like a win win situation.

CinemaGoddess

Does your sister know him personally?

iheartsippycups

CinemaGoddess said:

Does your sister know him personally?

She has met him in the past & knows my coworker. We have all associated outside of work & with the kids. After the gunpoint situation, my sister has put the distance between them

iheartsippycups

I will talk to my sister tonight & figure out some sort of plan

iheartsippycups

Leaving work now, will come back later tonight...

mom2pottamus

Can you just eliminate him coming into anyone's house and have them join you for the actual ToT part?

Guy has made mistakes, but on his free pass night from rehab he's going out with his mother and son...think about how it might be cool for his son and your co-worker.  If it gets icky while you are out say you have to head in early or part ways.

Helenahhandbasket

OP, I think it's fine for you to decide who you (and your children) hang out with.  Your free time is your own.  I am going to suggest again that you go trick or treating with your sis and simply not share pictures on FB.

I don't see what benefit you or your co-worker would gain from you telling her that you do not feel comfortable around her son.  I think a white lie in this case is fine. 

Flame away.

LaurelBee

Sister's house, sister's rules. She doesn't want a stranger, ex drug abuser with a history of violence and theft in her home and around her kids. I don't blame her tbh. Does the guy deserve a 2nd chance? Absolutely with out a doubt. But that doesn't mean you or your sister should open your home to someone who makes you uncomfortable. I would tell your co-worker that you're sorry, but ToTing is just a family thing this year. Or be honest and tell your coworker that he makes you uncomfortable. It sucks for the kid and his dad, but I don't think it's fair of your coworker to invite him to your sister's house considering his past.

CinemaGoddess

That's why you tell them you'll  meet them on the ToT route.   That way, the guy isn't in her house. 

Problem solved.  

Helenahhandbasket

I also think it's worth mentioning that there's a huge difference between an addict and a violent addict.  This particular person seems to have violent tendencies.

I wouldn't want to hang out with anyone that pulled a gun on anybody, addict or no.

And, it's great he wants to hang with his kid.  That does not oblige OP.

CinemaGoddess

If he pulled a gun on someone while not on drugs or possibly withdrawing from drugs, I would agree.

If this guy was, say, a legit sexual offender, I would agree with the OP.  

Helenahhandbasket

CinemaGoddess said:

If he pulled a gun on someone while not on drugs or possibly withdrawing from drugs, I would agree.

If this guy was, say, a legit sexual offender, I would agree with the OP.  

I see what you are saying.

I just think if the OP feels weird about hanging with this guy, she shouldn't be obliged to, and I also don't think she needs to confess the reason to the co-worker.

This guy has some issues.  She's uncomfortable with them (for whatever reason). 

If it were me and I felt weird about hanging with this guy (again, for whatever reason), I would probably tell the co- worker I decided to not go out and then do whatever I felt like I wanted to do with my kid on my free time.  I would not tell the co-worker her son made me uncomfortable because that would make her feel bad (I am assuming).  Why make the co-worker feel bad?

Again-- it's admirable this guy wants to hang with his kid, but that has nothing to do with OP.

 

JackoftheBox

You don't have to lie to her. Just say that you have already made plans with your sister. If she is persistent. Then just tell her what neighborhood you will be in and about what time. You guys could meet up.

I see where your coming from, but I'm sure there will be a lot of people TOT. And you do not know the backgrounds of everyone, so why should you be so worried about 1 guy. This is small potatoes.