Need step-mom advice

Mamacatney

I'm a very new step mom, and B's mother is a bitter, bitter woman. She was hoping I'd lose the baby, and told me so! The last conversation I had with her she told me that I needed to abort the child I'm carrying, otherwise her son will have to deal with a " water head retard" sibling. Yes, I'm high risk but the fetus is healthy.
Anyway, this Halloween she is coming to watch B trick or treat with us, and I'm dreading it. Should I refuse to go without an apology? Or kill her with kindness?

ASmallWonder

Wow, she sounds great.  Unfortunately, you're never getting away from her so I say go because it's about your step son, not her or you, hard as it is to deal with her.

BeachBum73

Wow - that's a tough one.  I've been a step mom for 11 years and I basically tolerate ds' mom.  She's not horrible, just annoying and can be overbearing.  That's a tough situation.  I'd probably go and be civil but not buddy buddy.

CurlyQ284

Hi, another step mom here (there's a Blended Families board BTW thats very helpful). Do you have a court order that outlines whem BM has B and when your husband has B?Whose year is it to have B for Halloween in the court order? If its your year, she should not be invited to come with you. I get that you should try to be civil for the child but she clearly cannot do that since she's making horrible comments to you and zero interaction will probably be the best policy since shea being so ugly.

If its her year, I wouldn't go.

What does DH think about all this? What's his position?

ASmallWonder

CurlyQ284 said:

Hi, another step mom here (there's a Blended Families board BTW thats very helpful). Do you have a court order that outlines whem BM has B and when your husband has B?Whose year is it to have B for Halloween in the court order? If its your year, she should not be invited to come with you. I get that you should try to be civil for the child but she clearly cannot do that since she's making horrible comments to you and zero interaction will probably be the best policy since shea being so ugly. If its her year, I wouldn't go. What does DH think about all this? What's his position?

It sounds like it's not the mom's year.  OP said mom was coming to "watch" the kid ToT with OP (and the dad).

Mamacatney

The decree doesn't cover Halloween as its not a "real" holiday, valentines, Memorial Day and Veterans Day aren't covered either, but DH gets him every Thursday. He's not taking her side or defending her, but he does want me to try to be there for B.
he says she's jealous, but I hate that she will ride with us. Why can't she take her own car??!

CurlyQ284

elmoali said:

CurlyQ284 said:

Hi, another step mom here (there's a Blended Families board BTW thats very helpful). Do you have a court order that outlines whem BM has B and when your husband has B?Whose year is it to have B for Halloween in the court order? If its your year, she should not be invited to come with you. I get that you should try to be civil for the child but she clearly cannot do that since she's making horrible comments to you and zero interaction will probably be the best policy since shea being so ugly.

If its her year, I wouldn't go.

What does DH think about all this? What's his position?

It sounds like it's not the mom's year.  OP said mom was coming to "watch" the kid ToT with OP (and the dad).

I thought so too. If that's the case, DH needs to tell ExW she can't come. I really suspect there is no CO and everything is just negotiated. That's not going to work long term given how horribly mean this woman is.

LoveActually4

If you can be civil in front of your SK, I see no reason why you can't do it together.

If you all can't be civil and make it an enjoyable experience then you should do it separately.

missyishere

How old is she?  She sounds delightfully mature...

If it really is important to you and YH to be there for the child, I think maybe spending just a couple of hours with her could be tolerable.  If she says anything, it's on her; at least you tried.  This is when killing with kindness comes into play @scoutkate style.  I've been in similar situations, but XW has since matured (I've been with DH since SD was only 15 months and is now 10).

CurlyQ284

LoveActually4 said:

If you can be civil in front of your SK, I see no reason why you can't do it together.

If you can't be civil and make it an enjoyable experience then you should do it separately.

I agree with this as well but if this woman is saying horrible things like she is...I think that crosses a line. I wouldn't subject myself to a person who tells me to abort my "water headed retard" whatever the heck that means.

BluepointToasted

This story makes me want to kiss my DH's ex wife.

twister22

CurlyQ284 said:

Hi, another step mom here (there's a Blended Families board BTW thats very helpful). Do you have a court order that outlines whem BM has B and when your husband has B?Whose year is it to have B for Halloween in the court order? If its your year, she should not be invited to come with you. I get that you should try to be civil for the child but she clearly cannot do that since she's making horrible comments to you and zero interaction will probably be the best policy since shea being so ugly. If its her year, I wouldn't go. What does DH think about all this? What's his position?

All of this.

It's not BM's time, she doesn't need to be there. If she can't even speak appropriately to you in front of SS, then there's ZERO reason to subject SS to that vileness. That's so disgusting that she would say that to you, I'm sorry.

twister22

Oh & come play on the Blended Families board

https://forums.thebump.com/categories/blended-families

Mamacatney

I am on my way! btw I am queen of inappropriate jokes