Christmas: What's fair?

fellesferie

Background: I am in TN & XH is in CA. We just switch off every other Christmas, and our CO does not address anything other than that. 

Last year was our Christmas, and XH asked to have DS starting on Dec 26. On years when it is XH's Christmas, he has DS from something like 12/21-01/02. We feel like it's not fair that XH's Christmases are nearly 2 weeks long whereas ours are 5ish days. I also feel like I'm kind of done doing exchanges on Dec 26th. I want to spend this time with my family and not half a day in a car. 

This year was originally XH's Christmas, but he instead has asked for a) Thanksgiving, and b) time starting on Dec 27. I want to extend "our" Christmas to Dec 29. 

Am I being unfair? I know I get about 345 days a year with my kid, but I'm tired of this! I'm biased of course, but I don't think it's fair that our Christmases are cut so short. I'm fine with him keeping DS longer into Jan up until school starts. But he seems to always want to bring him back by Jan 02 or so. 

CFjo2010

My CO says that DC gets the Christmas with the kids the odd years (this year) for 2 weeks.  So the kids will be leaving on 12/21 and coming home 1/3.  When it's DC's year for Christmas he gets them for their Winter Break, when it's my year he doesn't get them at all.

I don't think you're being unfair.  Maybe it's time to re-evaluate the CO and set it up so that the years BD doesn't have Christmas, he gets DS for the week of Thanksgiving.  If it's his year for Christmas and needs to switch things around, you can offer him the week of Thanksgiving and let him make up the missed time elsewhere if you choose.  But you're not obligated to change around your schedule to accommodate him.  You aren't the one who moved away and hindered their relationship.  BD is.

+just+j+

Our CO says we split the holiday vacation time as well. 50/50.  And we trade off every year who gets Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

I'd say it's normal and fair to split it in half.

Have you had a conversation with him about it? 

ambrvan

Mmmm... I would feel the same way as you. Absolutely.

But. I think since DS only gets to see him like twice a year or so, it is fair that XH gets more time at Christmas break. And that way with DS getting back before school is back in session, you have time to make sure he is on schedule for school.

As you said, you do have DS about 345 days a year. Most people switch on Christmas day or the day after anyways. But if switching on the 26th it's what is so exhausting to you (it would be to me, it's hard enough doing it locally), then it wouldn't hurt to ask him to take the last half of Christmas break, whatever that work out to be. But if he says no and sucks to wanting the 26th, I would say precedent had been set.

Ex. Our schools only have 2wks. We get one week, BM gets the other week.

Lavender P

While I completely think you are right and that it isn't fair for him to get two weeks on his year and one week on yours, I still think it is best for your DS to be able to see his dad as often as possible.

If you have him for 345 days a year and XH has him for 20, then I don't see why an extra week is that big of a deal. I get that it is Christmas and there are things you want to do with him, but many of the Christmas activities you can do before he leaves.

I think that you are going above and beyond for your DS, and while it isn't required it does benefit him to see his dad on time that he (XH) has off for them to spend quality time together.

Ginlyn0

We exchange on the 26th, in most years whomever has the kid on Christmas doesn't get nearly as much time as the other parent who doesn't have the holiday but sometimes it works out evenly.

That said, I think you should at least have a definite day of switching that doesn't vary by what years your Ex has or doesn't have him. That way it's more even for you all in opposite years.

fellesferie

Thanks, ladies!

Last year when we were settling dates for holidays, he asked Dec 26 (AM, even!) through something like Jan 02. I went back to him with Dec 30-Jan 08. He said he couldn't do it those dates, and never explained why. (Right after we decided to divorce, he said he no longer had to explain himself to me, and he hasn't at all since. I don't ask anymore.) I said fine, but that this is the last year we are doing the exchange that early after Christmas. He never responded to that, which is pretty typical.

I don't think he will fight me on the issue; I just don't want to even ask for something if I am being unfair about it. If he were to wait to get DS on Dec 29/30, then we would have a week and he would have a week. On years when it's our Christmas, that feels more appropriate to me. 

twister22

fellesferie said:

Thanks, ladies!

Last year when we were settling dates for holidays, he asked Dec 26 (AM, even!) through something like Jan 02. I went back to him with Dec 30-Jan 08. He said he couldn't do it those dates, and never explained why. (Right after we decided to divorce, he said he no longer had to explain himself to me, and he hasn't at all since. I don't ask anymore.) I said fine, but that this is the last year we are doing the exchange that early after Christmas. He never responded to that, which is pretty typical.

I don't think he will fight me on the issue; I just don't want to even ask for something if I am being unfair about it. If he were to wait to get DS on Dec 29/30, then we would have a week and he would have a week. On years when it's our Christmas, that feels more appropriate to me. 

Umm, this so wouldn't fly with me. You two have a kid together, have to co-parent, figure out schedules, etc. Until DS is 18 and graduated from HS, he DOES need to explain himself, at least in some situations.

What if his reasoning is something that is not a priority? Like, "that's when I go to the poker tournament." Obviously that's not nearly as important as spending time with DS. Next time he doesn't want to "explain himself," I would just say "That's fine that you don't want to 'explain yourself,' but I'm going to assume that whatever you have going on isn't as important as seeing DS. Unless you have a valid reason otherwise, 12/30-1/8 is perfectly reasonable, and if you choose to return DS 1/2 or 1/3, then that is your choice. I am not going to allow you to cut into my Christmas time with DS just because you cannot be reasonable."

fellesferie

@twister22 ugh, I know. He tells me nothing. I hate it.  I assume he would answer stuff if asked directly, but he is often evasive. For example--his home address. For the first 2 or so years he was in CA, he would only give me a work address. I didn't get a home address until I insisted on having one when DS went out to visit him the first time.

I only know where he works because DS brought home one of his business cards. He has never told me that he lives with his gf; he will only say he has a female roommate. 

If I push too much, he gets defensive. So I try not to ask unless I honestly feel I NEED to know something. With this Christmas planning, I think I'm going to ask for what I think is fair. And if he has some legitimate reason to want something else, he will have to offer the info. 

twister22

fellesferie said:

@twister22 ugh, I know. He tells me nothing. I hate it.  I assume he would answer stuff if asked directly, but he is often evasive. For example--his home address. For the first 2 or so years he was in CA, he would only give me a work address. I didn't get a home address until I insisted on having one when DS went out to visit him the first time.

I only know where he works because DS brought home one of his business cards. He has never told me that he lives with his gf; he will only say he has a female roommate. 

If I push too much, he gets defensive. So I try not to ask unless I honestly feel I NEED to know something. With this Christmas planning, I think I'm going to ask for what I think is fair. And if he has some legitimate reason to want something else, he will have to offer the info. 

I your DS. And LOL at the "female roommate." Seriously? I mean, you have a DH for crying out loud, not sure why a GF would be a big deal. Some people..

Littlejen22

Honestly Fells I don't think I have ever disagreed with you but if you want to argue fair then it is not fair Ex only gets to see DS on Certain times and you get the rest of the year. I think it sucks but I do think it is fair to let him have the time especially since DS is flying. I think flying for a short time is hard. But that is assuming DS is fine going because if he hates it there then I say split the time even.

fellesferie

Littlejen22 said:

Honestly Fells I don't think I have ever disagreed with you but if you want to argue fair then it is not fair Ex only gets to see DS on Certain times and you get the rest of the year. I think it sucks but I do think it is fair to let him have the time especially since DS is flying. I think flying for a short time is hard. But that is assuming DS is fine going because if he hates it there then I say split the time even.

So you think it's unfair to ask for an even split (1 week here, 1 week there) on my years when XH gets 2 weeks on his years? I do get ~345 days/year, but that is XH's choice. I have never once denied him time with DS. I offer more time that he declines. I don't feel like the # of days he gets should change, just the dates (on my years). 

DS does love to go, but he doesn't fly. It's kind of a screwy thing, but we drive 2ish hours down to ATL. xILs drive 5 hours from FL up to ATL. XH flies in from CA, xILs pick him up and pick up DS from us, then they drive 5 hours back to FL. It's a LONG day for everyone. 

bebe11

As long as you spend the actual holiday, even Christmas Eve, I think I'd be ok with ex picking up ds on 12/26.  It sounds like a crazy long day of driving, and I assume it is the same for the drive home?  If you ds enjoys spending the time with his dad, I personally wouldn't think it is unfair. Now if your son dreaded every second he was with his dad, then I'd cut the time short to the 5 days.

CFjo2010

Littlejen22 said:

Honestly Fells I don't think I have ever disagreed with you but if you want to argue fair then it is not fair Ex only gets to see DS on Certain times and you get the rest of the year. I think it sucks but I do think it is fair to let him have the time especially since DS is flying. I think flying for a short time is hard. But that is assuming DS is fine going because if he hates it there then I say split the time even.

Hang on, I think we need to remember that it was BD who moved across the Country, not the other way around.  If BD wanted more time with his child, then he should have kept his butt local.  I'm sorry but I have no sympathy for parents who abandon their children and move away.  Yes, Felles' BD still sees his kid, but let's call a spade a spade here and admit that moving across the Country is abandonment.  He doesn't now get to play the "woe is me" card about not getting to spend time with his child.

Why should BD get 2 weeks on his years and time during Felles' years?  If he wants to fly out and spend a 3-day weekend with DS during the school year, I'm sure that would be acceptable.  But why should Felles give up part of her holiday time with her child to accommodate BD?

Littlejen22

Fells, you asked if we thought it was fair. Honestly I think allowing him to have a few extra days every other year is fair because like you said you get 345 days the rest of the year. Honestly I realize none of it is fair and that he chose it but I think taking the (I think it was two days) is not worth it, I know you want more time with him during this time but he rarely sees his Dad so I think it is better to let him have the extra days. If the day after is too much then ask for Dec 27. Those are my honest thoughts.

As for the rest, I forgot it was you with the crazy driving situation. I do not think you are wrong if you tell him you are not doing the crazy drive but if I remember correctly you do not want to put more on your ILs because ex will not do it.

I just read where you said last year he could have DS from Dec 30 until Jan 8, I do not think you are wrong or unfair if you offer later dates and he says no. But my thoughts on giving the time are for DS, not ex.

fellesferie

@Littlejen22 thanks for your thoughts . I didn't mean to sound defensive, I just wanted to make sure I understood. 

You're right about the driving; I had thought about telling him that if he wanted to get DS earlier, he needed to come here and get him. But I would hate to dig in my heels and wind up with my xILs in the car for 4 more hours. 

DS is the only reason I try to be flexible at all w/ XH. I don't want my kid to feel like I let him down some day. 

Thank you all again for your thoughts. I really appreciate it!