I woke up early to use the restroom (as per usual). I walk past this certain part of my house, where I have a huge sympathy bouquet, a lit candle, and their memory boxes. I have been ok the past few days walking past without wanting to die. But this morning, I am suffering racing thoughts. My twins, going back to work, calling the funeral home to arrange for the babies, calling HR to see how much leave I'm entitled to, apprehension over the holidays and racing thoughts over when and if we can conceive again. We went through so much for our babies. We went through IVF and all kinds of crazy emotions and hope. I don't know if I'm going to make it today. I can't stop crying. Unfortunately when I went back to bed, I couldn't stop sobbing. My husband turned over to hold my hand and rub my arm for a bit, mid-sleep. I don't want to torture him with my suffering, because I know he is definitely suffering also. The other day we opened the memory box together, because he had not seen the pictures nor the footprints. He literally broke down and began sobbing also. He hadn't looked at the items because he helped deliver the babies. He said the pics looked so different than when he saw them, but then again they were alive initially when they came into the world. I pray but I don't know what I'm praying for. For the babies to be safe wherever they are, for them to know how much we love them and are suffering their departure. Pray for hope for tomorrow, pray to get pregnant again, I guess everything. I'm am anxiously awaiting the day I can wake up without such heaviness in my heart. I want to be hopeful. I want to be a mother. I want our family to grow and our love to expand with the joy of a child. I am catatonic with misery today.
On 10/23/13 Baby Sophie and Baby Gabriel born at 21+5 weeks. They grew wings and flew away from us. May God bless them always. We love you beans!