Late Term and Child Loss

I'm drowning today

I woke up early to use the restroom (as per usual). I walk past this certain part of my house, where I have a huge sympathy bouquet, a lit candle, and their memory boxes. I have been ok the past few days walking past without wanting to die. But this morning, I am suffering racing thoughts. My twins, going back to work, calling the funeral home to arrange for the babies, calling HR to see how much leave I'm entitled to, apprehension over the holidays and racing thoughts over when and if we can conceive again. We went through so much for our babies. We went through IVF and all kinds of crazy emotions and hope. I don't know if I'm going to make it today. I can't stop crying. Unfortunately when I went back to bed, I couldn't stop sobbing. My husband turned over to hold my hand and rub my arm for a bit, mid-sleep. I don't want to torture him with my suffering, because I know he is definitely suffering also. The other day we opened the memory box together, because he had not seen the pictures nor the footprints. He literally broke down and began sobbing also. He hadn't looked at the items because he helped deliver the babies. He said the pics looked so different than when he saw them, but then again they were alive initially when they came into the world. I pray but I don't know what I'm praying for. For the babies to be safe wherever they are, for them to know how much we love them and are suffering their departure. Pray for hope for tomorrow, pray to get pregnant again, I guess everything. I'm am anxiously awaiting the day I can wake up without such heaviness in my heart. I want to be hopeful. I want to be a mother. I want our family to grow and our love to expand with the joy of a child. I am catatonic with misery today.
On 10/23/13 Baby Sophie and Baby Gabriel born at 21+5 weeks. They grew wings and flew away from us. May God bless them always. We love you beans!
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Phoebe Jaslene born at 19w3d. We love you beba! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers


Re: I'm drowning today

  • ***Siggy warning***

    I am so very sorry its such a hard day. Sending you T&Ps today!

    Lilypie - (qptF)

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    "Elsie Irene was born sleeping at 35w 6d on December 8, 2012. Mommy and Daddy miss you sweet girl."

  • I'm sorry to hear you are having such a tough much as it hurts try to remind yourself that 'this too shall pass'...every day isn't going to be this hard...but some will be.

    At some point I'm hoping that I too learn that The good days outweigh the bad ones.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers'> 
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  • I'm sorry it is such a bad day.  Lean on each other with your love. <3

    EDD 1/8/10 - our sweet sunshine DD born 12/30/09
    EDD 2/15/14 - Stillbirth at 21 wks 10/02/13
    EDD 8/12/15 - MMC 1/12/15
    EDD 12/24/15

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  • Thanks everyone. I am trying really hard. I called HR this morning, and have contacted a funeral home to take care of my angels. I hope I can carry on today for them, because they deserve a proper memorial and not be in some general plot where I'll never 'see' them. I have developed a major separation anxiety in the last week and a half. I can't bear the thought of dh back to work tomorrow. And to say my faith is shaken is an understatement. I hope that even that can recover with time. 
    On 10/23/13 Baby Sophie and Baby Gabriel born at 21+5 weeks. They grew wings and flew away from us. May God bless them always. We love you beans!
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Phoebe Jaslene born at 19w3d. We love you beba! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

  • I am so sorry!  We went through lots of fertility treatments and IVF finally worked for us as well, only to end in PROM and the death of our son. I can definitely relate to that nervous sense of hope being crushed and replaced with a million questions that have no answers.  I don't have any good advice, but just wanted to say I am thinking of you, your husband and your babies, and hoping that tomorrow is a better day <3
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    TTC since 2008
    Dh:34, no issues.  Me:31, Endo, slightly hypothyroid, deformed ovary, paracentric inversion.
    4 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, HcG, Crinone +TI cycles= all BFN
    Lap in 2012 to remove large unresolving cyst discovered endo and double lobed ovary.
     6 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, HcG, Crinone IUI cycles= All BFN,
    1st IVF w/ICSI- June '13 Antagonist: Gonal-F, Menopur, Ganirelix, HcG, Estradiol, Crinone= 7 retrieved, 4 mature, 1 unfertilized, 2 abnormally fertilized, 1 normally fertilized.  2DT of only embryo and our miracle BFP.
    Our beloved baby boy was born sleeping Oct. 13, 2013 due to pROM/IC/Uterine infection.
    2nd IVF w/ICSI- Feb. '14 EPP/lupron/antagonist: Estrace, lupron, HGH, Gonal-F, Menopur, HcG, PIO, lovenox, doxy/dex.=21 retrieved, 16 mature, 15 fertilized!!  5dt of 1 blast/ 6 frozen. BFP!  Beta 1 9dp5dt:83.9  Beta 2: 11dp5dt: 145.2  Beta 3  14dp5dt: 497  Please be our sticky rainbow baby!

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  • Sending a BIG HUG your way.

    Brooke Elizabeth born Feb 17, 2013 grew wings May 9, 2013 @ 11 weeks & 4 days old from SIDS



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  • Some days are going to be really awful. Remember that you are surrounded by love. I'm sending you much love & strength today (((Hugs)))
    ~All are welcome~
    MC 23/01/2013 natural @ 7 Weeks

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  • ((HUGS)). One day/hour/minute at a time. 

      Our Angel Patricia born sleeping 3/30/12 at 31 weeks
    Our Fighter Anna born early 1/8/13 at 26 weeks
    Hoping to bring home #3 due 9/9/15
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