Newlywed Already Wants Baby

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ks3pink

Kids are expensive. Finish school first, 30 is not old.

mamato3girls

Sure it's possible to not finish school and do all those things and give a kid a "good life". That said think about how you want your children to be raised. It was important for us that I stay at home once we had kids so my husband needed to have his degree and a stable and relatively good job. We still pigeon a fixed income but we have a lot more flexibility than we would if we were just working part time jobs.

FemShep

So neither you nor your H have full-time jobs or college degrees. Do you have health insurance? Have you looked at how much having a baby costs? Do you have any money at all in savings? Certainly, a college degree is not required to give a child a good life; I'm the first person in my family to finish college. But frankly, without the basics, the deck is stacked against you and your kid. Insurance is important. People with college degrees make hundreds of thousands of dollars more over their lifetimes. So why would you NOT want to do this? And the old mom crap is BS-I had DD1 at 32 and DD2 at 39. No problems conceiving, no health issues, and we're all much happier knowing that we can afford our family (thanks to our full time jobs and degrees).

dogperson11

I've seen family members start families too early. Yes, they provide the basics do their children and love them to death. My SIL had my nephew 2 weeks before her 20th birthday. She's married and her husband has a great job with amazing benefits. Now, 16 months later, she left the kid for a month with my MIL to take a month long medical cert class in another state so she can hopefully get a job and form her own identity. Turns out a 21 year old wants to have friends and doesn't really fit in at "mommy and me" classes. Not trying to be mean, but take a few years to figure out your life as a married person. DH and I aren't at all anywhere near the same people we were when we started our marriage 4 years ago. You didn't state how old you are, but since you think 30 is "old " I'm guessing you're pretty young. Do yourself (and your marriage) a favor and wait.

kcisthebombdotcom

I think that it's possible for young parents to give their kid a good life. However I don't know a single young mother who doesn't wish they waited. Having a kid under the best of circumstances is tough. It's tough on your relationship with your spouse and it can be physically, mentally and emotionally draining. When you're throwing money worries, trying to juggle jobs and school into the mix it only makes life that much harder. I would strongly recommend waiting. It will make life easier not only for your marriage but your child's life too.

Twinkie0612

ks3pink said:

Kids are expensive. Finish school first, 30 is not old.

This.  All of the goals you want to accomplish will be much easier to do before kids.  I doubt that you can afford to raise a child with both of you working only part time.  Wait until you are both able to physically and financially care for a child.  If that isn't until you are 30, so be it.

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jnnfrrose6

Not one thing advised to you was cruel or an attack on you. You asked for opinions on waiting to have a child or not based on your circumstances and you were provided them. Most people would agree that completing your education and getting full time jobs would make having a child MUCH easier. Most people would also agree it's pretty rude to say that 30 is old or implying that being an "older mom" is a bad thing. The average age for first time mothers continues to rise precisely for these reasons everyone has advised for you.

dogperson11

AudeSapere89 said:

also dogperson11 I find it offensive that just because your SIL messed up doesn't mean all young mom wants to to go out and party. *sigh*

I never said my SIL messed up - she's a great mom but in order to get herself in a spot where she could help provide for her child she had to make some hard choices (that she wouldn't have had to make if she'd waited). I never said you'd mess up or want to go out and party. I was pointing out that being young means you haven't yet "found" yourself and you probably don't know where you'll be several years down the road. 22 is young. Your eggs haven't spoiled yet. You've got time to have fun, figure out who/ what you want to be, and build an awesome marriage. Take advantage of the time you have

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normandyn7

Honestly I would wait. I'm 25 and just had my first. DH and I have been married one year next Friday. I'm 25 and just started graduate school. The original plan was to wait until I finished grad school to have a baby. Now that I have him I am finding it really hard to keep up with school, work and being a mommy. It has for sure put a strain on our marriage too. We also don't have insurance so we are about 25K in debt for the whole pregnancy and birth. I was also put on bed rest at 28 weeks so I couldn't work and we blew through all our savings. So what I'm trying to say is things happen. I wish we could have planned a pregnancy instead and been more prepared financially. We were also saving to buy our first house and we used all the money for the baby. You're lucky that you're young and can plan it out. You'll know when the right time is.

normandyn7

Don't have a baby because everyone else is. Also, 30 isn't old. My husband is 30 and our son is perfectly healthy. I know what you mean about wanted to be a "young" mom but honestly I think if I had waited until I was 28-30 years old to have my first we would be better off and it would be much easier. Also, the bump is a great, informational site. I learned so much from women on this site. Yes, sometimes it can get a bit snarky but when you post on a public forum what do you expect? Just take the bad with the good. I've gotten plenty of rude comments made towards me on here and I just ignore them. Most of the time the women are just being honest.

jamjoyful

AudeSapere89 said:

Holy cow. Okay, lesson learned. Dont post on The Bump because people are cruel and attack people. Seriously me grow up? Your the one posted mean and spiteful things. Kindly take yourself off of my post.

I don't think anyone was attacking you or being cruel. I think they were just being realistic. Plus, you asked...they answered. I don't know what else you could've wanted.

I am a "young" mom and I have been fortunate. I do not have my degree but I worked very hard and have established a career for myself. However, there is not a day that goes by that I do not wish I would've accomplished a few things before having DD. I love her more than anything but I don't feel as though I took care of myself. If we would've waited just a couple more years I could be done with college!! I always encourage people to attend college before having children because....well, why not?! You are opening yourself up to have a great career and better opportunities in the future.

Also, don't worry so much about age. 30's are not old by any means. DH is about to be 31 and I don't see him
on his deathbed yet...

PunkyBooster

30 is not old

We had our masters degrees and good careers prior to ttc. I was 32 when I had ds. I'll be 36 with this next one. I don't feel old. My 43 friend has a 2 yr old and has even more energy than our 29 year old friends.

PunkyBooster

And my OB even says 35 is an arbitrary number. Thee are 22 year olds who have unhealthy babies and 43 year olds who have healthy babies. There is a lot more to factor than just age. Genetics, obesity, diet, etc.

rjeller32

dogperson11 said:

I've seen family members start families too early. Yes, they provide the basics do their children and love them to death. My SIL had my nephew 2 weeks before her 20th birthday. She's married and her husband has a great job with amazing benefits. Now, 16 months later, she left the kid for a month with my MIL to take a month long medical cert class in another state so she can hopefully get a job and form her own identity. Turns out a 21 year old wants to have friends and doesn't really fit in at "mommy and me" classes. Not trying to be mean, but take a few years to figure out your life as a married person. DH and I aren't at all anywhere near the same people we were when we started our marriage 4 years ago. You didn't state how old you are, but since you think 30 is "old " I'm guessing you're pretty young. Do yourself (and your marriage) a favor and wait.

I think that is a very generalized assumption. I am 21 with two kids, and I fit my fat ass right in with all the mommy bishes I hang out with. Sure, the youngest one may be 27, but I don't feel any less mature.

Not saying being young and having kids is smart, because I wish I would've waited, but I don't think I don't "fit in" socially as a mother. I would much rather have tea parties than be out sluttin it up, or spending all of my money on the bar like all of my friends from pre-children.

jess9802

If you and your husband were 22, college grads, and had launched your careers and were working full time jobs (as did many of my friends from college), then I would say having a baby wouldn't be all that unusual, and the people I know who started their families under similar circumstances don't regret it.

I got pregnant with DS at 31 and gave birth shortly before turning 32. DH and I are planning on TTC our second next year. My OB did not even blink an eye at my plans. Now, I don't deal with the lack of sleep and late nights as well as I did when I was 22, so that's been rough. But I have a lot more patience and I'm lot more mature and self-assured than I was at 22, and I think that carries through to my parenting. My husband became a father for the first time at the age of 19. He was really worried that he wouldn't have the stamina and energy for keeping up with a kid. Those fears have totally evaporated since DS was born.

Maybe I'm biased, but I don't think home ownership needs to be a prerequisite to having children. DS has no idea we rent our home, nor do I think he particularly cares.

iverske9

I chose to get my education (Masters in Science), get a career, get married, have a great wedding, buy a condo, travel and then buy a forever house. We then decided to start trying at 29 and we had out first son at 30. BEST DECISION EVER! We have a great life, financial security, did everything we wanted before kids strap you down. We also were together for 8 years before having kids which let us learn to live together, fight, work together, and grow through marriage issues before bringing a kid into it. Many people say the first year of a kid is the hardest, but for my husband and us it was not because we had everything else that can cause stress (money, etc).

Stop rushing it, you need to be the best parents first by being the best adults you can be. Get your education, get a good job, and have fun with each other, buy a condo or house. You sound young because you are letting your impulses get the better of you. If you want to be a parent than work on making the best life for your kids before you get pregnant. Good luck

Ardmhs83

You are 22 and an adult.  You get to decide what to do with your life honey.  You are right, this board is "Babies on the Brain."  You are surely old enough to think about babies.  :-)  I get your question.  It is our right as women to decide what age we want to be to have children.  If you don't want to be 30, then don't wait that late.  If you honestly feel you are ready now, then go for it.  However, I can tell you it is VERY hard and I do honestly think if you finish college and get a job you will have an easier time and provide better for your child.  I had a college degree and was teaching by 23 years old.  You can get these things done young and still be a good mom.  I had my son at 26.  Good luck with whatever you decide!

Kristinmo

It's not the lack of college degrees that makes me say you should wait, it's the lack of full time jobs.  Do you have insurance?  Do you pay your own rent/expenses?  Do you have enough money at the end of each month to pay additional expenses for a baby?  (Daycare, clothes, diapers, etc).

 

obxlaurak

Wait.  Accomplish your goals first.  You are only 22, you have PLENTY of time to have kids.

Also, I'm a hell-of-a-lot different at 32 (my poor eggs are obviously living in a graveyard up in my bits) than I was at 22.

bugandbibs

The issue here isn't your age. It's your lack of stability. You have part time jobs and may or may not be going to college. Figure that stuff out before you have kids.

My mom was married at 19, had my sister at 20 and me at 23. Then my dad died at 25. She went to school full time while working. She was/is an amazing mom, but she encouraged my sister and I to finish school before getting married and having kids. It's just easier.

SmileyJay

You have to remember that other people can only share their personal perspective with you. There are people who believe the way they live their life is the only right way (which makes complete sense, because if they didn't they would change I suppose) and there are people who idealize what their life would be like had they made different choices (e.g. "If only I had kids sooner...")

I got married at 21 and we have spent the last 2 1/2 years enjoying that time together along with another 3 of living together beforehand (yeah, we moved in together when I was 18). We finished our degrees, started new jobs, bought a lovely home, have traveled, saved money, etc. We are not the party type and have always preferred staying in. There are a lot of pathetic stereotypes about early 20 somethings that are holding back this generation by normalizing laziness and selfishness. Other than when I had pneumonia a few years ago, I can not remember a day where I slept past 9 am and the last time I drank anything was an expensive glass of cider in June. On Saturdays I'm up by 7 to take my dogs for a run and cook a huge breakfast so we can get our day started, not sleeping until 1 like a previous poster mentioned! I say all of this to say that some people just grow up faster and just because a lot of people completely waste their 20s, that doesn't mean that it is not a perfectly acceptable time to get your priorities in line and start a family.

Most people can not fathom having been more mature than they were at a given age. It is hard to imagine that other people are capable of things that you could not/did not achieve. 

No one on the internet can tell you if you should have a baby. A stranger shouldn't be able to influence you like that. I can tell you that my husband and I have really enjoyed just being married for a few years. We will probably welcome a new member of our family within the next year or two.... but the first 2 years of marriage have been amazing. Just enjoy it. Enjoy each other. Maybe get a dog and some hobbies?

Empireceo

GhostMonkey said:

DH must be ancient since he was 40 when DS was born. 

I'll let him know.

If your H is ancient, what's the word for mine? He was 53 when DS was born.