Today I did something stupid...I started thinking about where I would have been in my pregnancy had I not lost my sweetheart. I would have been 31 weeks. Almost due. Then I did something REALLY stupid. I decided to go back to my old birth month forum...
Ugh. Not my brightest moment.
I saw a lot of the ladies who I had talked to and shared joy with...and there they were. Still talking, still sharing joy. And there I was...lurking....spying. I'm an intruder now.
I was supposed to be a mom in 2 months.
I've been thinking a lot lately about being a mom. I mean, I've gotten back to my daily life. I don't cry very much anymore *although, I am right now*, I go to work every day, I smile everyday, I laugh, I clean, I cook...I'm trying my hardest to forgive myself for my body betraying me 3 months ago.
But more than anything else I'm doing, I've really been contemplating about children and if/when I'll ever get the chance to have any. I am 24 years old, and I've already lost all 3 of the children I've had inside of me. As much as I like to think of myself as a positive person, I can't help but think that maybe I'll never get what I want the most. It just kills me. I get sad/angry/jealous/numb when I think about it. I just keep thinking "what did I do to deserve losing 3 children"?
It's a loop that keeps replaying in my mind.
I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. My husband loves me, supports me and understands my pain, but there's only so much he can empathize with. He loved our babies (especially the last one that we actually got to see move and jump around) and he cried with me for the first few weeks...but now he's okay. He's moved on. Meanwhile, I'm stuck being jealous of every pregnant woman I lay eyes on. Unfair.
I just want to be a mom. I want the chance to hold one of my babies. I've never been able to see one of them...kiss them...hug them...
Well, that's my pity party...I needed to get these thoughts out of my head.