I'm such an idiot....warning: emotional vent

salsy2012 · October 2013

Today I did something stupid...I started thinking about where I would have been in my pregnancy had I not lost my sweetheart. I would have been 31 weeks. Almost due. Then I did something REALLY stupid. I decided to go back to my old birth month forum...

Ugh. Not my brightest moment.

I saw a lot of the ladies who I had talked to and shared joy with...and there they were. Still talking, still sharing joy. And there I was...lurking....spying. I'm an intruder now.

I was supposed to be a mom in 2 months.

I've been thinking a lot lately about being a mom. I mean, I've gotten back to my daily life. I don't cry very much anymore *although, I am right now*, I go to work every day, I smile everyday, I laugh, I clean, I cook...I'm trying my hardest to forgive myself for my body betraying me 3 months ago.

But more than anything else I'm doing, I've really been contemplating about children and if/when I'll ever get the chance to have any. I am 24 years old, and I've already lost all 3 of the children I've had inside of me. As much as I like to think of myself as a positive person, I can't help but think that maybe I'll never get what I want the most. It just kills me. I get sad/angry/jealous/numb when I think about it. I just keep thinking "what did I do to deserve losing 3 children"?

It's a loop that keeps replaying in my mind.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. My husband loves me, supports me and understands my pain, but there's only so much he can empathize with. He loved our babies (especially the last one that we actually got to see move and jump around) and he cried with me for the first few weeks...but now he's okay. He's moved on. Meanwhile, I'm stuck being jealous of every pregnant woman I lay eyes on. Unfair.

I just want to be a mom. I want the chance to hold one of my babies. I've never been able to see one of them...kiss them...hug them...

Well, that's my pity party...I needed to get these thoughts out of my head.

mingaling2 · October 2013

I'm so sorry. And you're not an idiot. I think you going to the other board and dreaming about still being pregnant means you have hope in your heart - and there's nothing better than that. {{hugs}}

AJCagle82 · October 2013

You're not an idiot at all...and if you are, then I'm sure you're in good company here! I've visited my BMB, too. I would imagine quite a few of us on this board have. It still just doesn't seem to be right. I was scrolling through FB tonight and I see all this pictures of women just having their babies or sharing funny pregnancy stories. It's so unfair. My heart still breaks. I've gotten better at dealing with the ache, but it is still there. I want my baby girl. I don't understand why I can't have her. I miss her so much.

I don't know your husband, but he might not have moved on as much as you think. Sometimes the way they act makes us think they're over it, but I know they still deal with that pain. It just isn't as obvious. Every now and then, my husband comes home and tells me it's been a rough day for him. I know he thinks about Parker a lot, but he doesn't always say it.

I'm sorry you're having a hard day. I hate we all have to go through this. I hate that there are constant reminders of our loss. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Dixon813 · October 2013

~~Siggy Warning~~

I'm so sorry you're having a rough day....I too have lurked on old boards (mostly the multiples board) and then after doing it I always feel terrible.

I just want to remind you that you ARE a mom. We are all mothers. We can't physically hold our babies any more and we don't get to do all the things that moms do, but we are moms. I know this doesn't make it easier, but I just felt you should be reminded. Hugs to you!

irons633 · October 2013

So sorry honey! Like everyone said you are not alone by thinking of where you would be in your pregnancy. Sending you big hugs!!!

jbranden12 · October 2013

So, so, so normal. I used to visit my birth month board and even posted about it here. I still have to work through difficult feelings when I see pregnant women. I agree that your DH may not have moved on as you think and hope you two can continue talking about your feelings as the time may come where he can no longer be strong and stoic.

jess123456 · October 2013

Big hugs to you. Please know that what you are feeling is so normal. You have every right to feel the way that you do and as for visiting your old board, well I have totally done that too. Why we do these things to ourselves I will never know but it happens. You are not alone.