Please help me understand my husband's point of view!! (kinda long)

Thai527

Background: I have an 11 yo DS with my ex husband. DH has a 14yo DS from a previous relationship. Together we have a 13.5 mo DD.

My son has an orthodontist appt today. This appt is specifically for parents only to discuss his xrays, needs and specific plan of care. DS does not even attend. His father knew about it because he was the one who took him to the original consult. After the 2nd appt (I took him to), his father asked when the parent appt was and I told him so he says he will try to attend.

I was talking to DH last night about the day ahead and mentioned this appt. He blew up when he found out my ex MAY be there, particularly bc I will be there with our daughter. He says it paints a picture to others that we are together and that our DD could be mistaken for my ex's when we are out. He says DD should not be confused as to who my ex is and she should not have any type of 'relationship' with him (she has seen this man less than a handful of times in her life). He comes to the door to get DS and did attend his bday party at our home. I probably see him a few times a year and we live 5 mins apart. We do not attend routine appts together either. We take turns taking him and relay info. This appt is just designed to discuss care with parents and he may or may not even make it.

 Please help me understand this! This seems like a huge exageration to me! He is angry and tells me I need to rework my DS's appt so only one of us is going bc I have DD with me all the time. I asked how that was fair for me to have to chose a child when he can freely attend hid DS's activities without restriction from me (nor do I care if his ex is there also). He says that he cant help that those are our roles and I am the primary caregiver of our DD. How is this fair?

What am I missing? This is just what happens in non nuclear families. Whether parents are together or not, there are times when both will be there for their child and why should I chose to attend a select few of DS's bc I have other children?

Is he exagerating or is there something I am missing? I am thoroughly confused and distraught that this turned into a huge argument! 

Thanks for reading!

sweetwalks

I am thoroughly confused too.

If I understand correctly. He is only really upset because your DD will be with you?

Banana44

Personally, I think that is crazy.

If my DH was somewhere with BM and one of our DDs was there - I wouldn't care.

And honestly, kids know who their siblings parents are.  My 4 yo DD knows her brother's Mom and calls her by her first name.  Ad we have a horrible relationship with BM.  Just last week DD was stung by a bee at SS soccer game and BM came over and gave DD ice.  I wasn't mad - I was grateful.  It was nice that she saw her son's sister in pain and decided to help. 

My DH goes to parent teacher conferences with BM - I have no issues with it.  You and your ex are your son's parents.  You should go together to the meeting.  Your DD will not be confused as to relationships within a blended family.

Tell DH to get a grip.

SueBear

This is when you put your foot down. Ask him if he wants to take off from work to watch DD while you go to the appt. No? Then this issue obviously isn't important to him. Your exH has a right to learn about his sons mouth. As do you. Not only because it involves his son, but because of he huge expense involved. Your H needs to grow up. Seriously, I doubt this is the first time your H has acted insecure, jealous and controlling. I would re-think my marriage if my H acted like that. Your son deserves two parents who can co-parent effectively for his sake. If your H disrupts that, he needs to be set straight or be given walking papers. You teach people how to treat you - start educating your H.

CurlyQ284

Your H is being crazy.

Littlejen22

Wow I am gumming for you and your son. Tell DH to grow the F up and be happy your son has a father that is involved and cares. And there are way worse things than your DD not growing up to hate her brothers father. If anyone asks you will state that he is your ex and the baby is with your husband. DO NOT give in to his jealousy because it would be shitty parenting of your son. You need to flat out tell him having a baby does not mean you will not co-parent anymore and you do not have an issue with your daughter knowing her brothers father. Good luck and please don't let him convince you that you are wrong.

SimpleJane

Ill echo PPs. You NEED to put your foot down here. you teach people how to treat you and you need to show him that this ludicrous and absurdly controlling behavior will not be tolerated. Do not coddle his insecurities.

+just+j+

There is no understanding that. He's being ridiculous and needs to grow the F up.  He's obviously insecure.  I don't know what else to say except good luck with that.

hopanka

Your H sounds like a male chauvinist pig.

SusanH.

WHY would you want to understand nonsense?  

He must be a very insecure person to feel the way he does. 

 

Lavender P

Let me get this straight. Your DH is mad that you and your XH are going to a dental appointment for your DS and is mad people MIGHT think your DD is with your X?

The only thing I can help you understand is that your DH needs therapy for his insecurities. Also, being the primary caregiver for your DD doesn't mean she has to be with you every second or that your DH gets to dictate where you take her. I liked pp's suggestion that you tell him he needs to stay home with DD during the appointment if he doesn't want you taking her.

bebe11

Your H is being ridiculous. 

My DD has spent weekds with my ds and his dad and just recently my ds dad came over to vist my son for his birthday and when my dd and I got home, he ended up making cupcakes with dd and took ds and dd to dinner.  Oh and isn't it weird that I can maintain a relationship like this with my son's father but my DD's dad is the total opposite. 

HisChamaoleGirl

Let's turn the table around for a minute. If your ex asked (demanded) your H to never be around DS in public in fear of someone thinking DS was H's son, would you and H agree to this?

Bottom line? Your H is being unreasonable and insecure.

xmaryrickx

He's being a dick. End of story. No need to try to understand.

Littlejen22

HisChamaoleGirl said:

Let's turn the table around for a minute. If your ex asked (demanded) your H to never be around DS in public in fear of someone thinking DS was H's son, would you and H agree to this?

Bottom line? Your H is being unreasonable and insecure.

Awesome points!!!

ambrvan

I would never agree to this. My H would never agree to this if I demanded it of him.

Unreasonable. Unrealistic. Insecure.

As his wife, I would want to know why he felt so insecure. But it wouldn't change my mind.

CFjo2010

I'm going to echo everyone else here and say that your DH is incredibly insecure and completely out of line.  And to be quite honest if my DH talked to me that way and told me "that those are our roles and I'm the primary caregiver of DD" I would fire back with a "Damn right I'm the primary caregiver and I say she goes with me".  The end.  And if he can't get over it, it's time to walk away from this relationship.  No way would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone so controlling and insecure.

emscheeda

I have to agree with everyone else's comments. My ex husband & I are often seen together at things that pertain to our son. Whenever possible my husband & his gf also join. More often than not however my husband isn't be able to be there & our 3yr old comes with me. There are times when ExH has to bring his other son without his gf being there. There has never been any type of confusion with the other 2 little ones. It's kind of crazy to think that there even could be.

coopsbaby

Another agreeing with the rest. And who cares if other people might think that exH is your dd's father? Sometimes when I have my nephews someone thinks they are my kids, and no one is scarred for life. And who cares if some random person may think you and exH are a couple? What is the worst possible thing that could happen here? Your H needs to get over it.

joshsmandy

He is jealous, men over react all the time when it comes to their spouses and their exs but its ok off them because that's different.

CurlieWhirlie

I would want to know why he's acting so insecure. Is he normally a jealous, controlling guy? If he isn't, and this is an unusual outburst from him, I'd want to get to the bottom of what's going on. Jealousy flaring up all of a sudden can often mean projection of guilt.

nevertune

Uh, he kinda married you knowing all about this kind of stuff right? And he because he has his own ex-spouse and child thing going, he should be able to see that being in public with your ex for your kid is gunna happen. Who cares what other people think? Unless you personally know them, it really doesn't matter. And if you know them, I'm sure you're more than delighted to correct them. That's unreasonable paranoia.

Karma1969

He's crazy and controlling. Too controlling.

ream02

My DH would blow a gasket too! I personally think it's jealousy and has nothing to do with your DD being there.I think it has to do with you be alone at an appointment with your ex. Even though they forget there are things that will require both parents be there. 

If his true feelings are about DD being there, is there someone who can watch her while you are at the appointment for a couple hours? I hate to give in like that, but it might bring out your DH's true colors on what the issue really is. 

Some or should I say many spouses tend to have double standards. Skewed sense of what's ok and what's not. And so forth.

Thai527

Thank you all very much for responses. Yes, he states it's because DD was there but there have been other snarky remarks of us attending events together (even before DD). It is not a question of me backing down. I don't (I don't feel like I am doing anything wrong) and that's why we argue. I just don't get the insecurity. Thanks for listening.

twister22

SueBear said:

This is when you put your foot down. Ask him if he wants to take off from work to watch DD while you go to the appt. No? Then this issue obviously isn't important to him. Your exH has a right to learn about his sons mouth. As do you. Not only because it involves his son, but because of he huge expense involved. Your H needs to grow up. Seriously, I doubt this is the first time your H has acted insecure, jealous and controlling. I would re-think my marriage if my H acted like that. Your son deserves two parents who can co-parent effectively for his sake. If your H disrupts that, he needs to be set straight or be given walking papers. You teach people how to treat you - start educating your H.

All of this minus the divorce nonsense. I believe in communicating and working through your problems, not "rethinking my marriage" or for my DH to "be given walking papers."

Littlejen22

I do think you got some very good examples of questions you should ask back to him such as asking him not to be seen with you and DS in public because people might mistake him as DS' father. I would not say it scarcastic but ask him how that would sound. And ask why if ex can cO-parent with you why DH cannot cO-parent