intro of sorts

ream02

Hello ladies! I felt that I might need to venture here and start to get to know some ladies in similar situations. I have a almost 12yo DD with Ex SO. Have been married to DH for 3 years, have a 1 1/2yr DS and one on the way. 

Ex SO is remarried to his high school sweetheart. I say remarried because like any good Jerry Springer show they were married. Divorced for a few years during which time I met him and left him. Then they got back together within a month of us calling it quits and remarried after a few years of that. Anyhow, they are now separated but working through counseling and church to save their marriage because as the good ol' saying goes "once a cheater, always a cheater".

We have a non C/O'd custody arrangement of 50/50 because we agree that she needs a relationship with both parents.  

My issues used to be with SM. Don't get me wrong, she's a awesome SM. Probably a better one than I could ever imagine being. But sometimes she would overstep boundaries or make poor judgement calls on DD's attire or other crap that would annoy me. Luckily we communicated through it so it wasn't too bad.

My unfortunate bigger issue is DH. He's never been able to bond with DD partly because he comes from a culture that is ignorant when it comes to children from other relationships and partly because she made sure to tell him when she was 5 or 6 and we'd barely started dating, he wasn't her dad and it's stuck with him. I think over the years he should of gotten past that, but again his culture has some really weird mindsets on things that I won't even try to judge, change or  question because it just isn't worth it and overall aside from the fact that I think he applies more discipline (verbal only, but his tone drives me nuts) than I feel is necessary sometimes, that likely comes from being a overprotective mama. Anyhow, since DD's BD is the all about fun and over involvement type of person who almost lost his house (they make great money between them) who's screwed up his marriage and most other relationships he's had and has the carefree lifestyle and uses "I forgot" as an excuse to most anything. This drives DH crazy and he overcompensates for the fact that DD has a cake life sytle with them and learns no responsibility with them that he feels we have to be tougher on her so she won't turn out like him. I've tried to reason with him that we can't change him and we can't make him responsible to no avail.

That's the short version of it.. We had a recent blow out about the later part of my situation but I'll save that for another time..

Anyway, I'm glad to have found this board to talk to other mama's with situations of such that may understand.

twister22

Welcome! What exactly are you asking advice for in regards to DH? If you think he's too harsh with DD, then the two of you should sit down and have a conversation - what is his expected role with DD? If you're around, should he leave the correction solely to you? When you're not around, what's the expectation?

In regards to DH & DD bonding more, what holds each of them back?

ream02

twister22 Not really asking much at this point. Just giving our current background. As for discipline. I feel that it's completely ok for him to tell her to do things, not to do things or verbally reprimand her if she is doing something wrong whether I'm there or not. We do not have set guidelines on what/when he can and can't say something to her. He tends to be more stern and I more relaxed with a lot of things. It's the background he came from so I respect that to a point. He just needs to learn to choose his battles and not pick on the little stuff as much. That is what I get irritated and resentful with. I've spoken with him about this, but it seems that all she has to do is no say hi when she comes in from school or something and it sets a bad tone until he decides to quite being so stern and harsh tone wise. 

As for bonding/not bonding. I think what holds "them" back would start with first, him not really showing her any affection and being more just an authority figure all based on her pointing out 2 times that he isn't her dad even if it is over 4 and 5 years ago. And for her I think she feels that he is there just telling her what to do (her perception at her age) and doesn't do anything fun or loving with her.

That's just what I think I have no idea what really the true cause. I know it drives him nuts that she is a lot like her dad. The forgetful, carefree, no money concept type. Or, could just be that some people don't bond with kids who aren't biologically theirs. 

Same as some kids look at the outsider that came in and took their other parent's attention since it was just her and I at home together with all of my attention until I got married 3 years ago. She's close with her SM because they were together when she was 19 months old. But with DH we started dating when she was 5 and married and moved in together when she was 8 1/2. I was alone just her and I until those points. She was excited we were getting married, but she took a year or more to realize that she wasn't the center of the world anymore and had to share me. She would tell me she wanted to go back to our house or that she wanted to do things with just me and not him quite frequently. We'd do things all together and I'd sometimes take her to do things just her and I, but she always wanted more. 

She is a super smart and good kid. But I know pre-teen puberty is starting to set in, so her opinions and voice is getting more so and I'm not looking forward to the back talk. Especially with DH. It's gonna get ugly up in our house.

hopanka

I think your DD has a point. If your H indeed holds grudges for small missteps and uses a non loving, harsh tone with her longer than necessary, then you cant really blame her for saying that he is just someone who pulls rank on her. If there is imbalance in that aspect, and he truly does not go out of his way to make her feel loved, do fun stuff sometimes etc, but only disciplines her and nitpicks, then he is in the wrong, because he is suppossed to be an adult with a mature take on things, regardless of his culture. If that were my kid, I would call him out on that and stand firm that he needs to correct it. And holding grudges for what she told him as a 5 year old, some 6 years ago, is ridiculous. I would not be having that.

dannie2011

If he is getting upset with her for not saying hi when she gets home, then you are in for a whole lot of trouble as she gets older. This is not a culture issue this is a Husband issue, you giving him an excuse because it's a culture difference is bull.