Open-Letter Tuesday

ziggy903

dear baby,

please be active tomorrow morning and show us your peen. i really don't want to play this game anymore. oh, and i'm bringing Gatorade to the appointment so if you don't feel like being active, i will make you do so. don't make me send you to your room.

love, mom

dear motherhood maternity,

today i would like to exchange something my mother bought me. it has holes in it and i wore it once. please be nice to me or feel my wrath.

sincerely, did not enjoy finding ripped seams in my new yoga pants

dear husband,

i love you. thanks for cleaning the kitchen and vacuuming while i was at bible study last night. you will be rewarded for good behavior tonight.

love, your wife

jdubh

Dear clients, please see this rain as an excuse to not come in today. I really just want to crawl under my desk and sleep!

Dear Husband, thank you for being a very sweet husband and taking care of me last night.

queeniecrayon

Dear DD,

Please eat your yogurt. Seriously kid you love yogurt, but now that you need to eat it because of this stupid virus, you act like it's poison.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Husband,

Please quit choosing sleep over sex...I'm starting to get annoyed and honestly it's more fun if you join in. What is wrong with you?!

Sincerely,
Your horny yet pissed off wife

coralreefmom

Dear Great (almost) White North,

Thank you for showing me that I need 40° weather to feel human. Also, thank you for not killing my coral reef tank during the 1200 mile move.

Much Love,
a bundled up cyclone


Dear F14,

I'm back. See letter above about moving. I've missed your crazy talk.

Sincerely,
Moving sucks

applejacks3232

Dear body,
Please try to cooperate with this pregnancy, you're not being funny with these contractions.  I'd like our baby to bake a full 40 weeks.  Thanks.

Yours truly,
Feeling like a couch potato


Dear toddler who replaced my loving son with his evil twin,

Stop being a jerk.  I love you, but you're being a monster.

Love,
Mother.

applejacks3232

HashtagRainbow said:

Dear MIL, You are crazy. You have had me fooled for years since I thought you actually liked me. Now I see how you only see me as a vessel for Your Baby. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Guess what? I guess you won't be watching the baby on Fridays and coming over to scoop her up on the weekends. Two can play at this game. Disgusted, Your Daughter in Law Dear DH, Today the D stands for Dipshit. Your lack of ambition kills me. You seem to want to complain all day about how I don't clean the house. Well, guess what ass face? I can barely bend over to put my socks on and I manage everything else in our household: bills, savings, groceries, financial well being, and stressing about how we will manage it all. I will gladly switch places with you and do the mindless house chores if you would take on the responsibility of the house. Tired of playing the husband, Your Desperate Wife

We had a huge problem with this when I was pregnant with DS.  DH had to step up and tell her, "It's our baby, your grandchild.  WE are the parents and it really bugs us when you say "My baby"" and I had a hissy fit when she said that she didn't have to follow my rules because "Grandmas don't have rules" 

She has lost all privileges of being alone with my children.  Ever.

ziggy903

@applejacks3232 grandmas have rules when they're crazy. my MIL won't be babysitting ever, either. sorry to say it, i just don't trust her around my kid.

ziggy903

njb750 said:

HashtagRainbow said:

Dear MIL, You are crazy. You have had me fooled for years since I thought you actually liked me. Now I see how you only see me as a vessel for Your Baby. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Guess what? I guess you won't be watching the baby on Fridays and coming over to scoop her up on the weekends. Two can play at this game. Disgusted, Your Daughter in Law Dear DH, Today the D stands for Dipshit. Your lack of ambition kills me. You seem to want to complain all day about how I don't clean the house. Well, guess what ass face? I can barely bend over to put my socks on and I manage everything else in our household: bills, savings, groceries, financial well being, and stressing about how we will manage it all. I will gladly switch places with you and do the mindless house chores if you would take on the responsibility of the house. Tired of playing the husband, Your Desperate Wife

We had a huge problem with this when I was pregnant with DS.  DH had to step up and tell her, "It's our baby, your grandchild.  WE are the parents and it really bugs us when you say "My baby"" and I had a hissy fit when she said that she didn't have to follow my rules because "Grandmas don't have rules" 

She has lost all privileges of being alone with my children.  Ever.

 

I always get stuck in the box for some reason... BUT my MIL does the SAME thing.  "I can't wait until my baby get here" "How is my baby doing today?" I'm beginning to feel the same way you do @hashtagrainbow.  Just a baby vessel.  I mentioned to MH that I thought about having my mom in the delivery room and he said "Then my mom would have to be there too".  I smiled and said "It's not about your mom.  It's about me, pushing a baby out of my vagina and wanting my mother there who did the same for me." He said "Go ahead and open that can of worms" ARGH. I feel your pain ladies, I feel it.

@njb750 do what i'm doing- tell your whole family, everyone together, that it will be just you and DH in the room. have a secret plan with your mom that at some point(probably a truthful point, if i'm being completely honest) in the heat of the moment you thought to yourself "dammit, i want my mommy!" and that's why she was there.

you know, because then MIL *shouldn't* get mad at you, because it totally wasn't premeditated and planned. you thought you could do it just you and DH, but you couldn't.

VeronicaAnn143

Dear Bed,

Take me back. Please. I miss you.

Love Always,

Veronica

Mazingmommyof6

Dear Stomach,

If your going to crave something and I'm nice enough to go out and find what your craving and feed it to you...please for heavens sake don't throw it up! Your taking all the fun out of satisfying the cravings!

Love,
The vomit comet

KatieKT

Dear Atlanta Craiglist posters:

If you post something for sale and use Pottery Barn in the title, please be kind enough to actually be selling something from freaking pottery barn. None of this, "Pottery Barn table for sale. I made it myself." If you did not buy your item at a store called Pottery Barn, stop lying in your ad title.

ziggy903

dear @armalan12,

gatorade. orange juice. trust me on this one.

love, i drink way too much gatorade just so i can get things moving in there

daisyMaryGirl

Dear Baby,

Thank you for letting me sleep in and not kicking me and waking me up at 5:00 am as you become accustomed to.  Mommy is very grateful for a full nights sleep.

ziggy903

@hashtagrainbow i have nothing but hopefully labor is fast for you and you can claim "it all happened so fast, we didn't have time to call anyone!"

i'm telling everyone that if they didn't make the baby or are not medical professionals, they get to stay at home. my nursing staff will know that too, and i won't be scared to be "that angry bitch" during labor (because, omg, hormones!)

and then afterwards you want time to get to know YOUR child and YOUR new little family. end. of. story. don't entertain her, and hire a bodyguard. i'd offer DH as bodyguard if he had any chance of actually keeping someone out.

mlynn333

Dear clock,

Please get to the end of the day quickly. I want to get started on my time off!

Sincerely,
So over this whole job thing

becausemom

Dear Baby,
OW! -___-
Love,
Your punching bag

Dear Mom,
I love you. But telling me that my HG and shortness of breath is all in my mind, that I CAN eat vegetables and aversions are not real, and that my sadness is manifesting into a hard pregnancy so I need to get over it, hurt my feelings. When I think of the current situation, I feel so sad that breathing makes me cry. I don't need you to make me cry too.
Love,
Your daughter (the apparent hypochondriac)

becausemom

@sjelwood Thank you

Beachmommy1029

Dear SO's heart, Please show the people at the ER what's wrong with you. And please don't be a big deal. I'm kinda freaking out. And I need to know if I need to find a ride in to be with him. Just cooperate. Thanks so much, Staying calm bc I'm already on bedrest and stress makes my contractions worse.

TessyMessy

Dear "Friend" at work,

Please stop publicly pointing out how "fat" I am or that my feet look huge or that my belly button is already popping out in front of all our coworkers. I know you ar being petty and enjoying the fact that because I am growing a baby inside me I am gaining weight. But newsflash: I probably won't weigh as much as you when I deliver my baby and if you don't stop with your bullshit I am going to publicly announce the fact that you had a tummy tuck and butt lift last year. No, you didn't magically come back from vacation with a waist and big ass!

Love,

Your disgusted coworker

Codypup

HashtagRainbow said:

@njb750 Girrrrrrl!!! I don't even know how to react to this new strain of crazy she has started showing. I feel your pain and everybody else's that has ever complained about a MIL. She has special ordered scrubs because she has made herself a self proclaimed Coach in L&D. News flash lady: you'll be comfy wearing those scrubs in the waiting room or at home if we accidentally forget to call you en route to the hospital! I finally got through to her that she need not take a month off work to care for My child since I will only be home for 6 weeks and need to bond with her. She has lost her damn mind!!! @ziggy903, great advice on how to handle this SHIT-uation. I wish I could call on my mommy if need be since she actually has had 3 vag deliveries (as opposed to MIL's 3 csections) but she won't be there as an option. Any thoughts on how to let her know she's been fired as a caregiver before she was even hired? She failed pre-orientation and the background check.

@hashtagrainbow - NO she did not. My jaw dropped when I read that. What the hell is wrong with these people?!?!! I'd be telling my H to control his mother, ASAP, before I banned both of them from L+D. 

FWIW, my mom calls wiggs "her baby," and while I find it slightly annoying, it's not that big of a deal to me. She does this with every baby she knows/meets, so I'm not taking it personally.

Penguin173 said:

Dear student,

You have called my office line a total of 16 times in the last hour. SIXTEEN. Voice mail was invented for a reason... leave a message and I will get back to you when I have the time. You do not have to continue blowing up my phone all morning. This makes me think you're crazy and frankly, it makes me NOT want to return your call at all.

Sincerely,


Extremely annoyed university employee

@penguin173 - Sounds to me like they don't realize you can see the number of times they're calling. I'd call the student back, if only to make your phone stop ringing. 

magentawarped

Dear blood sugar,
Behave.

Dear toddler daughter,
Behave.

Dear cat,
Behave.

Love,
Me

cattuccino

Dear Employee,
Stop telling people that you're getting my job when I go on maternity leave. You can't even do your own job, I don't know what delusional world you're living if you think you can handle mine.
My "job" is also only "temporarily vacant" - I have no plans of dying in delivery.
From,
Your BOSS (if you remember who you're talking about)

PS. Shit better be done when I come back tomorrow.

RondackHiker

Dear texting college boy in the grocery store parking lot,

You should probably pay attention so you don't bash your cart into mine. But really, it's not a big deal. I'm sorry I was the cliche pregnant lady who cried when the pickles fell out of my cart and the jar broke. I believed your apology the first dozen times you said it. Sorry I freaked you out.

Rondack

coralreefmom

@RondackHiker better cart than car at least?

Codypup

RondackHiker said:

Dear texting college boy in the grocery store parking lot, You should probably pay attention so you don't bash your cart into mine. But really, it's not a big deal. I'm sorry I was the cliche pregnant lady who cried when the pickles fell out of my cart and the jar broke. I believed your apology the first dozen times you said it. Sorry I freaked you out. Rondack

I LOVE that cliche. Hilarious.

Rbfdac1

Dear baby boy who will be here in about 3 months,

Thank you for finally allowing me to feel you. Although I start to freak out when I haven't felt you in a few hours, I still love it so much.

Love,
Your already paranoid and overprotective mom

1linedrawing

dear fetus,
thanks for finally kicking dad last night, you are already the light of his life. i really appreciate you spreading the wealth.
love, mama.

dear universe,
thank you for protecting me from getting read ended while i phoned in the car accident one car in front of me on the freeway. i appreciate it.
thank again, tiny car & pregnant.

dear steve jobs/apple,
thank you for inventing facetime so i can see my little brother weekly. with all the news from afghanistan, i really appreciate seeing him.
love, emotional big sister.

ziggy903

Dear motherhood maternity,
I do not like you and I do not enjoy being "that pregnant lady" who left your store and cried in her car for 20 minutes.
Also, if I want to exchange something, you need to did it for me. You don't have it? Find it. I shouldn't have to call another store to see if they have my item in my size. It's not my fault you can't make quality clothing.
No love, fuuck you.

Codypup

@ziggy903 - what a load of crap! Can you call someone higher up and complain? Usually when you do that, they end up giving you free stuff. 

1linedrawing

ziggy903 said:

Dear motherhood maternity, I do not like you and I do not enjoy being "that pregnant lady" who left your store and cried in her car for 20 minutes. Also, if I want to exchange something, you need to did it for me. You don't have it? Find it. I shouldn't have to call another store to see if they have my item in my size. It's not my fault you can't make quality clothing. No love, fuuck you.

UGH!!! I hate when people don't do THEIR JOB. I'm sorry you had a bad experience! I hope you find some comfy pants soon!

KatieKT

HashtagRainbow said:

@katiekt Amen sister! Samesies with "IKEA" in the title, dammit! What part of Atlanta do you live?

@HashtagRainbow we're in Suwanee.

ziggy903

@katiekt how have we not discussed this? Or rather, why don't I remember it?
Were neighbors! I'm in Alpharetta!

KatM84

KatieKT said:

HashtagRainbow said:

@katiekt Amen sister! Samesies with "IKEA" in the title, dammit! What part of Atlanta do you live?

@HashtagRainbow we're in Suwanee.

I'm in Gainesville! A lot of Georgia girls around here!

KatieKT

ziggy903 said:

@katiekt how have we not discussed this? Or rather, why don't I remember it? Were neighbors! I'm in Alpharetta!

Wow we're close! My high risk ultrasound was in Alpharetta. We moved to GA in July from NY so I'm still getting to know my way around.

ziggy903

KatieKT said:

ziggy903 said:

@katiekt how have we not discussed this? Or rather, why don't I remember it?
Were neighbors! I'm in Alpharetta!

Wow we're close! My high risk ultrasound was in Alpharetta. We moved to GA in July from NY so I'm still getting to know my way around.

At maternal fetal specialists at northside hospital on old Milton? That's where @hashtagrainbow and I go!

1linedrawing

Mevaroo said:

Dear DH, 

Thank you for not making fun of me when I basically threw a tantrum on Sunday because none of my Sunday clothes fit. Thank you for then cheering me up and taking me shopping, and not thinking I was acting like a spoiled brat even though that's kind of how I felt I was acting. You're such a trooper during my pregnancies....

Signed, 

Your wife who now has cute dresses that fit, and has been enjoying getting dressed the last couple days.

Dear boobs, 

Please stop growing so quickly. Good bras get expensive, and having to buy a bigger size about every month seems a little ridiculous. 

Signed, 

Mevaroo

I feel you on all accounts, @Mevaroo! My hsuband is wonderful, as well.. and bras are insanely expensive, especially when they don't carry your size in stores. ( AND you know they are just going to be too small once you grow/milk comes in.

I'm glad you have some dresses, though! Hope we see some in your HDBD pic!

Dawizzle

utpony said:

Dear DH, 

You are by no means even close to 'darling' today. You are a dumbass. When arguing with your pregnant wife about her inability to control her snoring, it would be wise to not compare her to your mother. Not cool. At all. Also, when your pregnant wife complains that you have no idea what she's going through, don't nonchalanty say "what, you're pregnant? what's the big deal?" You are an asshat, twatwaffle, and dumbass extraordinaire. And you will continue to sleep on the couch sans blanket until you learn the words "I'm sorry honey".  

This sounds like my DH!  He loves to complain about things I can't possibly control, like snoring or farting or stealing the covers from him in my sleep, etc.  Drives me crazy!  He's also been super blase about me and my aches and pains and general complaints lately.  His best friend's wife is pregnant also and having a helluva time and he keeps telling my DH he has it relatively lucky with me...yet he somehow seems to think that everything I am feeling is either made up or overexaggerated.  That man has zero sympathy in his body, I swear.  He's always been that way though, I guess.  Not one of his better qualities.

MissDemeanor

Dear Laundry,

Fold yourselves! I'm tired of doing all the work when Washer and Dryer are already so expensive!

Love, worst housewife ever

Dear Mom & Dad,

Thank you so much for watching the dogs while we went on vacation. We truly appreciate your extreme generosity. Love, your sun tanned daughter

Dear DH,

Thank you so much for taking me to Cabo! I love the sunshine. And great work making me feel cute, not fat, in my bikini. And for taking me to a place that had fries and fake cheese nachos at the snack bar every day, and not judging me too much for indulging.

Love, your sun tanned girlfriend

Dawizzle

Dear mom-

In general, you are great.  I am lucky to have a supportive and loving mom. However, my pregnancy has apparently brought all of your neuroses to light.  Either that or I am less inclined to put up with them.

You are retired.  You only do things that you want to do.  I work, and just got back from a long trip visiting relatives and babymooning, which means work is more hectic as I try and catch up.

You are planning my shower with my MIL and BFF, which means you have plenty of help as it will not be a complicated affair.

So no, no I will not call "that cupcake place that did cupcakes for your wedding" and order the cupcakes for my own damn baby shower.  Perhaps this makes me a diva, but I just don't need to add one more damn thing to my giant to-do list.  Call them your own damn self.  

Signed, 

Your otherwise loving daughter 

Btwilhelm

Dear future SIL,
I understand you are excited for your wedding in June, and that you want to get shit done. BUT I am almost six months pregnant and you want me to try on bridesmaids dresses for what reason?

I pray to everything holy that I will not look like I am six months pregnant five months after I have this baby.

Love,
Your almost super pregnant FSIL

Dawizzle

1linedrawing said:

Mevaroo said:

Dear DH, 

Thank you for not making fun of me when I basically threw a tantrum on Sunday because none of my Sunday clothes fit. Thank you for then cheering me up and taking me shopping, and not thinking I was acting like a spoiled brat even though that's kind of how I felt I was acting. You're such a trooper during my pregnancies....

Signed, 

Your wife who now has cute dresses that fit, and has been enjoying getting dressed the last couple days.

Dear boobs, 

Please stop growing so quickly. Good bras get expensive, and having to buy a bigger size about every month seems a little ridiculous. 

Signed, 

Mevaroo

I feel you on all accounts, @Mevaroo! My hsuband is wonderful, as well.. and bras are insanely expensive, especially when they don't carry your size in stores. ( AND you know they are just going to be too small once you grow/milk comes in.

I'm glad you have some dresses, though! Hope we see some in your HDBD pic!

I hear you on the boobs...every time I think they are done, they start growing again.  Only the old stretched out bras fit comfortably at this point.  And even they get ripped off unceremoniously as soon as possible every day.