I feel like I can't keep faking a smile. Faking strength, faking happiness. I wish I could just scream from the top of my lungs "IM NOT OK!" I wish I could tell people how I'm really feeling instead of pretending like I'm happy for them, or pretending I'm ok with things that are going on, or just lying.
I'm an assistant teacher in a daycare. The teacher that I assist told me on Friday that she thought she might be pregnant. She then told me today that she for sure is pregnant, she took 5 test. I told her I was happy for her, when I totally am not. She talked nonstop about her pregnancy being an accident, saying she isn't sure if this is something she wants, saying her and her husband aren't getting along, saying she can't afford a baby, saying she isn't sure if she wants to start over after 14yrs, saying if the baby isn't going to grow healthy she is going to abort, saying is her health worth risking for a baby. And I'm sitting listening to her feeling like she doesn't deserve this. But I'm telling her it's ok, take one day at a time, I'm happy for her, smiling. On my ride home all I kept thinking is that I'm ok with her being pregnant, but I'm not ok with listening to her being negative. I can't stand it. I just keep saying to myself she doesn't deserve it.
I feel like a total mess. I feel like my mind is all over the place. I feel like I want to curl up in a hole and never be seen. I'm just feeling so miserable. I want to quit my job and not have to show my face there tomorrow, but that's not an option. I have to keep on the happy mask and continue to pretend.
I'm sorry if this is just all over the place and doesn't make sense. I tried getting my thoughts together.