I'm judging

Soxgirl07

I'm paranoid, so I don't want to put the specifics on here, but I'm hardcore judging somebody I know casually through work. Just wondering if you all think I'm justified...

So this woman has 2 kids. DD has significant learning disabilities and social issues. DS has none. I'd heard from others that treatment of the 2 kids was totally different, but it's none of my business and I never witnessed it. Whatever.

Over the last few months, I've seen a number of interactions that show she acts like a typical mom, caring about schoolwork, friends, etc. With DS. It appears that she basically ignores DD. We just had a convo that made me want to shake her and scream, "care about DD! She needs you!"

I would never actually say anything and I don't really know her lyfe, but would you judge her too?

Monkeybabe

I would have a hard time judging that, because I don't see her at home, or her actual interaction with her daughter. She might be super attentive at home with her daughter, but have more stories to tell about her son at work.

Traash

My oldest DD is disabled and my middle son is typical.

You may say the same exact thing about me if you were an outsider looking in. The care and relationship is different between me and my children.
This does not mean that I love or care for one more then other.

It can be very difficult to raise a profoundly disabled child and I do my best to care for her and offer her simple pleasures in life.

It is far more difficult to raise a typical child like my son. Different demands and expectations.

I'd suggest you walk a mile in her shoes before judging but I am sure, that like my own, her shoes are wore out.

NotSharknado

Well, here's the thing. From my own experience, she probably is very consumed with her DD and that's why it may seem like she's more about her Ds. She may be having difficulty balancing her attention to both equally or she may be a certain way with her Ds because she's feeling guilty about how much attention and care her DD requires.

But, I can't say because there really are no specifics mentioned here. Honestly, nobody really knows what goes on in their home. Things aren't always as they seem.

Again, I can't have an opinion because there's nothing here to judge. KWIM?

NotSharknado

Me personally, although DD doesn't have any challenges, she does expect a lot of attention. That leaves Ds on the back burner sometimes. Ds does have some disabilities. Minor, but none the less challenging.

It is so difficult sometimes that I feel like I'm failing one of them daily. It's so hard finding a balance.

NotSharknado

I would hate to be judged for my struggles as a mother.

Soxgirl07

Thank you for the different perspectives. I hope you're all right.

I know I'm ridiculously vague bumping, but my 'evidence' suggests that she has basically zero involvement in DD's education and I think I've actually been in a pretty good position to witness that recently.

I do hope I'm wrong about that and like I said, I would never say a word. It just breaks my heart for DD, because she's a sweetie and deserves so much more than it looks like she gets.

Nechie122

Even if what you're saying is true, I don't think "judging" is the right word for how I'd feel. Maybe it's been very difficult on her and she's struggling. How much support does she have? Does she get breaks? Are there others around who can help her? (Rhetorical questions.)

Maybe the PPs are right or maybe this is a cry for help. But it's pretty shitty to "hardcore" judge unless you're in the trenches with her yourself.

Traash

Soxgirl07 said:

Thank you for the different perspectives. I hope you're all right.

I know I'm ridiculously vague bumping, but my 'evidence' suggests that she has basically zero involvement in DD's education and I think I've actually been in a pretty good position to witness that recently.

I do hope I'm wrong about that and like I said, I would never say a word. It just breaks my heart for DD, because she's a sweetie and deserves so much more than it looks like she gets.

Everyday after school I sit with my son for an hour or so and work on school work with him.

I do not do the same for my daughter. Not because I care less but her school programming is based more on personal skills, social skills etc. I have daily correspondence with her teachers and aids but to the lay person who is not with is on a regular basis it may seems that I to have no interest in her education. Especially if it was compared to the involvement that I have with my son.

Maybe ask her how she copes empathetically.

Soxgirl07

I probably shouldn't have brought this up if I wasn't willing to discuss details, I was just really frustrated after our last encounter and had no other place to vent.

You've all encouraged me to be try and be more open minded. Sadly though, based on what I know, the circumstances you're all suggesting don't really ring true in this particular situation.

Trust me when I say that support has been offered through my organization and my hands are tied when it comes to helping through the mother.

NotSharknado

Is there neglect? Abuse? I'm sorry we're not much help. I get why you don't want to give details. Hopefully things get better for that family. Also, if you've done all you could, well then there's really not much else you can do. Just chalk it up to a sucky situation.