Help: How to choose names for moms, second parent adoption, hyphenating last names??

yatshurr

I am very newly pregnant (5 weeks) but of course am worried about so many things! I'm hoping some of you lovely people will have stories to help with some questions that are brewing. How did you decide what names to use for yourself and your partner for the baby? I don't want it to be too confusing, but I also want us both to have a special name. Has anyone gone through second parent adoption? Any tips for navigating that process? I know I'm really early on that front too, but who says a girl can't be prepared. Last but not least, we want to our child to have both our last names. Has anyone chosen the same? With my last name not being hyphenated, can we still make the baby's last name hyphenated on the birth certificate? Or do we have to go through the legal hoops after? I'm still considering changing my last name to the hyphenated last name before baby, but just in case. 

I completely welcome any other tips and advice  

StacyLH24

I have no idea about any of these things, but welcome and congratulations on your pregnancy. There is a pregnancy check in every Monday if you wanna stick around with us.

My wife and I aren't pregnant yet, so I can't offer much help. Our last names are hyphenated and since our marriage is recognized in NY and we are using a sperm bank, her name will automatically go on the birth certificate as the other parent should we be lucky enough to have a baby.

If you know any family court attorneys, they can be a wealth of knowledge.

lamaitresse

Congratulations and welcome!!

I would echo @StacyLH24's sentiment, and suggest you try picking the brain of a lawyer who specialises in at least family law. The Law Society for your jurisdiction should be able to point you in the right direction. Parental rights vary from country to country, and I'm guessing from state to state, too (I'm not 100% positive as I don't live in the US).

My understanding of things here in Ontario is that because our relationship is legally recognised (common-law) and we are using an anonymous donor, my partner's name can go on the birth certificate as the second parent. The baby can also take her last name. I'm not sure how hyphenated surnames work, but a lot of straight couples seem to do it. Here in Ontario you can also apply for a legal change of name that would actually change your birth certificate, no matter how old you are.

If we were to use a known donor, his name would have to on the birth certificate. He would then sign away his parental rights and my partner would have to go through the second parent adoption process.

It can be a pretty tricky river to navigate so getting some sound legal advice is best!

Jazibel

Hi - welcome & congrats.

My partner and I changed our last name via the courts a few years ago to a new last name.  Our son has our new last name.  She was also on the birth certificate as the second parent. We will do the second parent adoption sometime.  For this next baby we may get legally married in California where we live and then a second parent adoption will not be necessary. 

I'm called Mama and my partner EV picked "Aya" which is word used in India that she resonated with.  We'll see what Kaden decides to call us :-) ( he does use Mama and Aya on occasion, but noting consistent yet).

valeriegp

It is my understanding that the rules about what name you put on the birth certificate vary from state to state, so you'd need to check with the laws where you live. Here in Texas, you can put whatever you want. We hyphenated our last names for my son's last name.

As for second parent adoption, that also varies from state to state. I would recommend finding a lawyer who is wel-versed in the process. We met with ours when I was about 6 months pregnant. We planned to complete the adoption within a couple of months of my son's birth, but because of some unforeseen, expensive home repairs we weren't able to complete it until this month, when he was 9 months old.

Before he was born, our lawyer drew up papers that made my partner my sons legal guardian in case anything happened to me. You ain't do an adoption until the baby is born, but here at least you can do these papers. It was sort of insurance until we could do the adoption just in case something happened during delivery or before the adoption was complete. It cost a fee hundred dollars (compared to the few thousand for the adoption) so it was worth it for us for the added security.

Congratulations and good luck!

ATXmommas

My wife and I both changed our names - we actually combined our names to create a new last name.  We're also in Texas and have to navigate the legal system to make her relationship to our child legal.  We have papers drawn up right now (called Consent to Transfer Legal Standing), in case anything were to happen to me, we have legal documents stating my intention for my wife to be our child's legal guardian.  We'll start the adoption process once he's born.  In Texas, most judges won't consummate an adoption until the child is 6 months old.  There is a program in Texas called the Texas Legal Protection Plan (basically, legal insurance).  We pay about $17/month and it covers a lot of civil matters - it covered our legal expenses (minus court fees) for the name change, estate planning, and will also cover the second-parent adoption (minus any filing fees and home study fees).  I always like to mention this when people ask about this type of thing because you never know what type of program your state might have, assuming you are somewhere that doesn't recognize your relationship with your wife.

So, first step is finding an attorney well-versed in GLBT matters, and it's never too early to start!

Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy!

songbird31

I agree with everyone. See a lawyer in your state. We had all kinds of paperwork drawn up to protect both of us and our child before and after she was born and until we could move forward with the second parent adoption. In my state I had to change my name before our child was born because you cannot just put what you want. It must be either the mother or father's name but a second parent is not allowed To be on it. We are also moving forward with a second parent adoption, which will ultimately change the birth certificate to list S's name as the second parent - so silly. Why bot just allow it in the first place...? This peocess includes home visits and court papers and cannot be finalized until at least 6 months after birth. The fees are also seperate from the initial paperwork/protection.

Congrats on your pregnancy and good luck to you!

yatshurr

Thank you everyone for the congratulations and help! We will be getting a lawyer a bit further down the pregnancy road to get all in order. We are legally married, but the lovely state of Pennsylvania doesn't recognize our relationship. I think we're going to suck it up and change both of our last names before baby comes. (All the court business is such a hassle!) 

Jazibel said:

I'm called Mama and my partner EV picked "Aya" which is word used in India that she resonated with.  We'll see what Kaden decides to call us :-) ( he does use Mama and Aya on occasion, but noting consistent yet).

"Aya" is so pretty! C suggested "Ammee" which is Urdu for mom yesterday. I guess only time will tell. 

trisholio

yatshurr said:

Thank you everyone for the congratulations and help! We will be getting a lawyer a bit further down the pregnancy road to get all in order. We are legally married, but the lovely state of Pennsylvania doesn't recognize our relationship. I think we're going to suck it up and change both of our last names before baby comes. (All the court business is such a hassle!) 

Jazibel said:

I'm called Mama and my partner EV picked "Aya" which is word used in India that she resonated with.  We'll see what Kaden decides to call us :-) ( he does use Mama and Aya on occasion, but noting consistent yet).

"Aya" is so pretty! C suggested "Ammee" which is Urdu for mom yesterday. I guess only time will tell. 

When you got married did you change your names on the marriage license?    That was one of the many reasons why we got a marriage license was so I could change my name more easily.

KH826

I took my wife's name when we got married. We live in PA also. We have a great lawyer who has handled our estate planning (wills, powers of attorney, etc.), and she will handle our eventual second parent adoption as well. She is super knowledgable, and I would definitely recommend her. Where in PA do you live? We learned from her that certain PA counties are much more flexible than others in terms of second parent adoptions. We plan to deliver at a hospital in Philadelphia County (instead of Delaware County where we live) since Philadelphia County will waive certain costs as well as the home study for second parent adoption.

2brides

We've done all of these things (chosen names - see previous thread about what we did), hyphenated our kids' last names (but ours aren't), and done a second parent adoption. But like the PPs have said, it is going to depend on the requirements from PA.

Congratulations!

irandaann03

I have no advice as we have not got this far but congratulations!!!!

karah0011

Congrats! It is all very overwhelming, but worth it!

Getting a lawyer is key!  Our state just started same sex marriages.  A couple years ago, we got married in Boston and we both changed our names on our marriage certificate.  We use both of our last names without the hyphen.  We learned from a very knowledgeable friend that if you have a hyphen in your name you legally have to use that exact name on everything.  If you leave the hyphen out you can use either name or both names depending on the situation.  For example:  We did not have to change any of the bills because we can use our original last names.  However, we did change our names for credit cards, mortgage, car loan (all the bigger things).  Not having a hyphen has really helped us!

We changed our names on our marriage certificate because it would be easier for 2nd parent adoption purposes.  The judges in our state prefer couples to be legally married for a year before adoption.  (Luckily, we passed by 2 days).  Now, the baby has both of our last names and we can all identify with the same last name.  

Our judge did not make us do home studies before adoption which saved us a couple thousand dollars and I think it was because we were legally married with the same last name.  

Good luck, you will get through it all eventually!

themarquis0

We did not change our names, but LO has a hyphenated last name.  In our state (I thought every state but maybe not??) you can put whatever the heck you want on the baby's birth certificate!  We have some friends who decided to put the non-gestational mom's name on the birth certificate, but I am not clear as to why they felt it was important to do so (they talked vaguely about legal stuff but to my knowlege the ability to get a second-parent adoption or to prevail in other legal matters is not strongly tied to baby only having the last name of the non-gestie partner.)  For us, it made sense for our LO to have both of our last names since we are both equally her parents.

Unfortunately, in our state (Michigan) we cannot get a second parent adoption, but we are hopeful that this will change soon (though we may move to a more gay-friendly state in any case, and at that point will obtain a second-parent adoption).

Re: 'mom' names, I (non-gestie) am Momma and wife is Mommy.  Most of the couples we know do momma/mommy.  I'm sure there are lots of other possibilities -- this is the one that seemed simplest and made the most sense to us.

themarquis0

My understanding is that once both moms are on the birth certificate, there is no need to do a second-parent adoption.  The birth certificate is basically the 'end all-be all' of parentage.  Once you're on it, you're a legal parent, no matter where you live (even if living in a state where your marriage is not recognized).

Am I wrong?

themarquis0

themarquis0 said:

My understanding is that once both moms are on the birth certificate, there is no need to do a second-parent adoption.  The birth certificate is basically the 'end all-be all' of parentage.  Once you're on it, you're a legal parent, no matter where you live (even if living in a state where your marriage is not recognized).

Am I wrong?

Sorry -- I meant to quote Jazibel on this, because she mentioned that she and partner are both on the birth certificate but they plan to do a second-parent adoption.  My impression was that if you're both on the birth certificate, you're done -- you're both legal parents.

kristynlee710

What part of PA and how far from MD and NJ are you?