**PLEASE NO JUDGEMENTS about my childhood mindset**
This may sound very strange but I need to let it out. I have never been one to deal with loss. I lost my birth father at the age of 11 due to divorce. The way he disappeared it was almost equal to death. I promised myself from that point forward that I would never allow someone to hurt me the way he did by leaving me. So people have come and go from my life (including in death) and it never really mattered to me because if my own flesh and blood could just up and leave me without a care in his heart, anyone else that wasn't nearly as close could do the same. Death never affected me really either because people die, that's life, that's nature. And since I had already lost one of the most important people in my life (my birth father), at the time, the only other person I could lose that would hurt me as much was my mother. I felt like there would never be pain like the pain I felt from losing my birth father.
Then I got pregnant (16 years later)! I instantly fell in love. I never thought I could love after losing my father too. But I was so in love with the heartbeat in my belly. Not only that but I actually found a partner that I was so in love with too, it surprised and scared me, but I embraced and promised to never let it go. After falling so deeply in love with the baby growing inside me, I never once thought that I could possibly lose him. I was so confident that in 9 months I would be holding my life in my arms and he would say good bye to me, never me saying good bye to him.
Losing him completely changed how I handle death and losing someone. I can't imagine losing everyone that means something to me. My husband and my dog Jonah, how can I ever lose them and keep functioning properly. They are my lifeline. Just thinking about how life would be without them, I can feel my heart stoping. My mom, dad, and brothers; my air. Losing one of them would be like losing a lung. All my In-Laws, they also mean so much to me. For the sake of my husband it would devastate me.
Even just hearing about loss hurts my heart deeply. I'm sorry to all the ladies that have lost a pregnancy or an infant. My heart cries for you. Writing this post has had me in tears in its entirety. God bless you all, and may all your little angels RIP.