Family critical and unsupportive; I could really use a little encouragement, please.

Olliepoppet

Hi there! I know this is ranty, but I could use a reminder that I'm not crazy, if you guys don't mind. 

I'm 16 weeks pregnant with my second child, and just got approval from my OB and my MFM to attempt a VBAC. I had planned for a natural birth the first time around, and really struggled with how much grief I got from my in-laws over it. I was *pretty* sure that I would be fine - I researched the crap out of various methods, developed a plan with my hubby, and was preparing myself as best I could. Then at 23 weeks I had mild, rhythmic cramping  that kept me up half the night. Nothing painful, and I had an appointment with my OB the next day, so I ignored it and mentioned it to her. 

Long story short, by the time I got to her office I was almost 5 cm dilated. After 5 days on hospital bed rest with a mag drip to stop labor, I began to experience actual pain for the first time. Nothing unbearable, but still pretty intense. It was focused in my lower back, it came in waves about two minutes apart, and I felt the overwhelming urge to get off my head (trendelenburg position) and walk or rock. I told my husband and MiL, who were in the room, that they needed to call a nurse because I'd gone back into labor. My MiL's response was "you CAN'T be in REAL labor...you're talking. You're not in enough pain."  Turns out not only was I at 10 and complete, I had a placental abruption. THAT was the pain I was feeling. I ended up with an emergency c-section, and our little boy spent 8 days in the NICU before passing away. 

Fast forward two years. I got the approval for my VBAC, and was thrilled! I was also happy about the fact that I wouldn't be getting grief this time around. I survived labor AND an abruption with no pain meds without screaming, crying, cursing, etc. In my eyes, I'd "proven myself," as ridiculous as it is that I was made to feel that I had to in the first place.  You would THINK that this decision would be between me, my doctors, and perhaps my husband. But that's not the way things work in his family. They ask nosey, intrusive questions, and it's easier simply to answer them because otherwise we get to hear about it in the guilt-tripiest ways for years. 

So the questions from my MiL start, and I answer them truthfully - if everything goes the way my doctors intend for it to, I'll be delivering at such and such hospital. Yes, vaginally. No, I don't intend to have an epidural. At which point I got to hear about how I was being stubborn and willful and putting my desires above my own welfare and that of the baby. I was then beseeched in that "I only care about what's best for you" voice to PLEASE reconsider, because everyone knows that mothers who go natural put themselves through unnecessary pain, and that if I do that, I'm going to end up in labor for 24 hours and telling the nurses to "get that thing away from me" when the baby is born, rather than being able to enjoy the experience and love my new baby right away. 

My desire to wait until the cord stops pulsing is divisive and new-agey, my desire to opt out of eye-ointment is dangerous and irresponsible, and I am clearly already failing as a mother for even ASKING about hospital policy regarding these things. 

I did my homework the first time, and have brushed up on it this time around. My husband fully supports me and has made these decisions with me. This is NOT my first time giving birth. And yet the constant barrage of criticism from someone I am not in a position to confront or to cut out of my life is getting to me. I found myself doubting everything we'd decided, thinking maybe I should just go with the flow and let others make these choices for me. I know that's NOT okay...and I could really use a reminder that a handful of negative people don't know jack and their opinions don't matter. Please?

TheBorg7of9

Refuse to talk about it. Get your husband on board to just get up and leave if they bring it up. Easier said than done, but I can't believe they are being such a-holes.

ncbelle

Wow - sorry they are being asses.  That's just uncalled for.  Honestly, your husband needs to step in and say something.  They should be forbidden to talk to you at all about your labor - it's not their business and clearly they can't be supportive.  I think it also needs to be made clear to them that their attitude over this is jeopardizing their relationship with you and your unborn child.

Sorry for the loss of your son.

kat8805

You are such a strong woman. You are not crazy for believing in your body, yourself, and your birth plan. This is your body, your baby, your experience. No one else is entitled to make these choices for you, because no one else will be going through this for you. Stand your ground, your husband has your back and you will do this how you see fit. Stay strong lady, and best wishes.

aylafsu88

I am sorry for your loss.  Your IL's sound like real peaches!  The best thing to do is answer their questions vaguely.  Say something like "we will see, or we might." People love to talk about birth and what you should do.  Only you, your H, and your OB/MW know what is best so ignore all the other advice you get especially from your IL's.  Your body was made to give birth and women have been doing it naturally for thousands of years. 

lalaith50

Wow. Agreed with pp's. you sound like an amazing woman. Your il's sound annoying! Definitely agree that you simply shouldn't discuss this with them. Answer their questions with something like "that's between me and my care-provider, and I'm not interested in discussing it right now." Turn into a broken record if they continue to ask. Leave the room. Blatantly change the subject, etc.

Luv2Run1st

Agree with all PP comments. My family was terrified of my plan for a home birth, so I just stopped talking about it. In the end, they were all supportive and surprised that a natural birth was different than they thought. So there is hope, but don't worry about having to defend yourself. It is up to them to figure out. Negative comments are counterproductive.

cbear47

I'm am so very sorry for the loss of your son.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and congrats on the ability to attempt vbac!!

Your body, your baby, your decisions. You don't even need to tell them the reasons or how your doctor and research support your decisions. Tell them to back off. (And if they keep asking personal questions, ask them personal medical questions...or just tell them it's none of their business.)

Olliepoppet

Thank you for the support and advice, guys; ya'll are the best!!!!

natalie202

You say that you aren't in a position to confront your MIL. I say why not?

Look at it this way. If you (and your husband!) don't start setting boundaries with your MIL right now, then she's going to take that as permission to continue intruding on your parenting decisions for the foreseeable future. Don't let that happen. Make it clear now that while you value her love and respect her opinions, at the end of the day, this is YOUR child and YOU get to make your own decisions about how you birth and parent your child.

My husband and I have made it clear to all four of our parents that while we will always respectfully listen to their advice and opinions, at the end of the day, they MUST respect our right to make our own choices. Even when they think our choices are mistakes. If they can't do that, then it has real ramifications on the relationship we choose to have with them, be that limiting certain topics of conversation or actually limiting contact with them until they can choose to politely agree to disagree.

You are clearly a very strong woman. You can conquer this roadblock. ;-)

pdilly2b

Agree with PPs about trying to not discuss it. But since MIL already knows, if she starts giving you grief again, one resource that she may respect (because its not all new-agey, haha) is Consumer Reports. I'm on mobile so can't get my saved link, but google "Consumer Reports birth" or "Consumer Reports birth what to avoid". I think it addresses both VBACs and delaying an epidural, which is the same reasons for foregoing. If you think it may help. Good luck!

pdilly2b

And I will say it explicitly too - they don't know jack and you should ignore their negativity

farmrose

natalie202 said:

You say that you aren't in a position to confront your MIL. I say why not?

Look at it this way. If you (and your husband!) don't start setting boundaries with your MIL right now, then she's going to take that as permission to continue intruding on your parenting decisions for the foreseeable future. Don't let that happen. Make it clear now that while you value her love and respect her opinions, at the end of the day, this is YOUR child and YOU get to make your own decisions about how you birth and parent your child.

My husband and I have made it clear to all four of our parents that while we will always respectfully listen to their advice and opinions, at the end of the day, they MUST respect our right to make our own choices. Even when they think our choices are mistakes. If they can't do that, then it has real ramifications on the relationship we choose to have with them, be that limiting certain topics of conversation or actually limiting contact with them until they can choose to politely agree to disagree.

You are clearly a very strong woman. You can conquer this roadblock. ;-)

This. Exactly. You can set boundaries and still be respectful and not push anyone out of your life. But if you let them tell you what to do and give them the impression you're ok with it, it's never going to end.

It's your baby, your body, your birth experience. Do whatever you think is best and disregard all the "opinions". You can never make everyone else happy, so you might as well focus on making yourself happy.

laurakaz13

Why are you even providing them with any of this information?  It is none of their business how you give birth.  None!  Just stop talking to them about it as PPs said. 

clariknittist

Wow, I am amazed by your story, and so sorry for the loss of your son. As others have said, I just wouldn't talk to them about it. The important person to have on your side is your husband, the rest is just noise.

wintersong

It might take more than just not talking to them about it. If they persist in bringing it up, you may have to firmly tell them that you and your DH get to make the decisions about the health or your and your baby. (I mentioned once to a friend that I did not want an episiotomy, when we were talking about a friend's birth, and she still occasionally volunteers information about why one is usually necessary. Sometimes people will latch onto it like a dog with a bone, especially if they really are speaking out of concern.) If you can stand it, nod and smile. If not, just let them know how you feel, as the pp said.

julyjennifer

I echo the advice above advice, and would just add that if you do tell her that the issues are not up for discussion, you might consider starting by acknowledging that her interest and advice comes from a place of concern and love.  I am guessing this is the case (it usually is), especially given your previous loss.  That may help her feel heard and more receptive to hearing what would truly help (for her to shut it).

shelbyholden

I'm very sorry for your loss. 

I would really stress to your mother-in-law that this is what you feel best and explain that your doctor wouldn't be so on board with everything if it were to put you in a bad situation.

I would even have your husband suggest to his mother to do more research if she's truly concerned about it because it's been a while obviously since she's had to give birth. Things change.

And for the epidural- they can sometimes interrupt the hormone oxytocin from being released, which is what helps so much in bonding with your baby. Her comment about mothers that go through natural labor being resentful of their baby is ridiculous. Sure it may happen. It may also happen with women who go through medicated labor. It's not strictly because the mother chose a natural birth.

There are more risks choosing to get an epidural than to not. She's very uneducated.

I know you've already answered her questions but if she brings them up again, try to force a smile and tell her that your plan is still what it was in the beginning and so far everything looks like it's going to go that way. If she asks whether you've reconsidered anything tell her that you haven't had any reason to.

Your body knows what to do and your instincts will guide you. Trust your gut feeling and don't let judgment from others influence you one way or the other! This is YOUR birth. Not hers! And your doctor will be there to make sure you're okay every step of the way.

huntjul

Hold strong and refuse to discuss your choices.

avalei

kitchencolors said:

Ignore them and don't engage in the conversations. Seriously. Just don't answer their questions.... It is none of their business how and when your baby and placenta are separated, for example. Change the subject if they bring stuff up. A very firm "my doctors and husband and I are on the same page and are confident in our care plan." Is really the only answer they should need. Good luck!

This!

Maybe a peacemaking "I really appreciate how much you care about our family, thanks for asking. Hubby and I and our doctor are all on board with what we plan to do. We can't wait to meet our little one!" A brush off, still It is truly none of their business, but nice to validate their feelings, even if you don't care to know about them.

kitchencolors said:

Ignore them and don't engage in the conversations. Seriously. Just don't answer their questions.... It is none of their business how and when your baby and placenta are separated, for example. Change the subject if they bring stuff up. A very firm "my doctors and husband and I are on the same page and are confident in our care plan." Is really the only answer they should need. Good luck!