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TaylorHam86

Hi everyone! I just wanted to introduce myself. I am new to thebump and this is my first time on the BF board.

My husband and I were married in March and are expecting our first in May 2014.

He has a very sticky custody situation from a previous marriage, which ended 3 years ago:

• 7 year old biological son
• 7 year old adopted son (biologically a cousin)
• 13 year old former stepson, who calls him dad, but rarely visits unless it's Christmas or birthday
• All three boys live 9 hours away from us with their mother, who is very difficult, to say the least

Needless to say, the custody opportunities we get are very limited. Basically it's every other major holiday, in the summer 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off, and 3-day weekends. Those weekends are the worst. The kids drive all day Friday, rush rush rush to see family and friends on Sat/Sun, and drive back all day Monday. Plus there are sometimes when we go several months without seeing them. For example, earlier this year we went from mid-Feb to the end of May. They were not able to come to our wedding, and their mother made sure to show them pictures on Facebook (not sure how she found them) and made them feel like they weren't wanted there. Of course, she was the reason they couldn't come.

My husband initially tried to get primary custody of the boys (at least the 2 that are his, with the 3rd as an option), but was denied. Their mother got exactly what she wanted as far as custody goes. As a result, the boys spend their days at school, their afternoons at daycare, and their nights with a babysitter. The oldest son spent his entire summer bouncing around among different friends' houses.

We lead totally different lifestyles. Most of our free time is spent on church activities. Most of her free time is spent out at the bars.

Well now she is trying to move out of state for two years, so my husband and I are pushing for custody of the boys for at least that time period. She would be moving in with her boyfriend and working the night shift. This is not at all conducive to a stable home environment. 

My husband and I have tried to settle this with their mother, but she refuses to cooperate. We are even planning on enrolling them in a year-round school to allow for longer, regular visitations with their mother than what we are allowed currently. We will be going to court sometime soon to fight for the boys and praying that the judge can see the logic in this situation. It is almost impossible to take children from their mother, but she has several strikes against her (including violating probation on a pretty serious court order), so we have to have faith. Plus, her primary argument in having custody of them to begin with was to keep them in the only community they have ever known. Now, they are very comfortable with the community they know here with my husband and me; on the other hand, they have absolutely no ties to family, friends, church or school in the new state.

I know that this will be the best thing for them. They are currently being raised by a handful of babysitters, and they sure know it. My only concern is the huge adjustment this will be for my husband and me. Especially with my first baby on the way!

So this is me in a (large, loaded) nutshell. Nothing like kicking my heels up and making myself at home, eh? I will probably be leaning on this a lot in the coming months, as I don't want to overload my husband with my hormonal rants. I love those boys like they were my own; nevertheless, this change will be trying for all of us. If you have any advice, I am more than happy to hear it, and if you pray, please do so for us! 

Thank you and I look forward to getting to know you all. It's so great to have this resource.

Lavender P

Welcome to the board and congrats on your pregnancy! I have an SS who is 10 and a DS who is almost a year and a half.

How awful that the boys couldn't even come to your wedding. BM knew we were engaged, but we never told her the date of ours because we knew she would try to pull something as well. Our wedding weekend, we picked up SS as usual and then told him the "surprise" that we were getting married that weekend.

This board is a great place to bring all your woes, as we are great listeners....

twister22

Welcome to the board! The ladies on here have great insight.

A few things:

-Congratulations on getting married! However, why didn't you plan your wedding during a time that you knew you would have your SS?

-Congratulations on your LO, that is so exciting!

-Why did DH move 9 hours away? That may be the reason he was denied custody - the parent who is moving away is typically not awarded custody.

-The 3 day weekends sounds awful. When do those happen and how do those work?

SimpleJane

Welcome to the board. 

A few things in your post that struck me....

Working and having to have a sitter does not mean the kids are being "raised by sitters" that term drives me and most working mothers absolutely crazy. A lot of mothers, especially divorced ones need to work. That requires getting childcare. 

Just because you spend your extra time at church and she goes to the bars (Im assuming not a habitual, alcoholic type thing) to let off steam doesn't make you superior. Unless of course I misunderstood you and she has a drinking problem and is leaving the kids multiple times a week to go out drinking it is not going to help your court case. The judge won't care if you are religious and she goes out every now and then. 

Separating the two boys from their older sibling (H's XSS) will prove to be difficult. Not only would it be difficult to get a judge to order it, it will be hard on the boys. They will probably have a hard time coping with that. Expect some problems.

Their mother has been their primary caregiver since the divorce, to suddenly move nine hours away and be put into a house with dad and SM, and Im assuming a whole new set of rules, new school, ect., will be hard on them. Plan on therapy right from the start to help with the transition. Transitions like that can be really hard on young kids. 

Was YH the one that moved 9 hours away? If so that is probably the reason he was denied custody. Is BM moving in the opposite direction? Is it going to add hours onto the distance between the homes?

Those three day weekends sound really rough. The summer schedule sounds like a lot with the back and forth every two weeks as well. Its a long time to spend in the car all summer. If you don't end up winning primary custody, I would seriously consider at least changing the CO so that the three day weekends work differently and  each house gets a bigger block in the summer. 

fellesferie

Welcome to the board.

You sound like a nice person, but I think you need to at least try and look at this situation objectively. Fairly often when I read posts, I try to imagine what 'the other side' would say. 

Based on your comment about keeping them in their community, it sounds like you and YH moved. Why? Why would you expect to move and gain primary physical custody?

Why do you not travel to see them in their city? If these three day weekends are the 'worst,' maybe they would be better on all involved if you didn't have to spend so much time in a car. 

You can't punish their mom for working. There are so many catty comments in your post about her schedule and activities. Do you know how many stepmoms post here complaining that BM refuses to work? 

I think you are overestimating your position custody-wise. It's been 3 years and the kids are with the mom nearly full time. Unless you have documented ways in which she is an unfit parent (and using babysitters ain't it), I doubt they are going to change the kids' placement. When you are already 9 hours away, her moving to a different state may not be that big of an issue. She would just have to justify why she wants to move, and show how she will continue to support the time you/YH have with the kids. 

Your "only concern is the huge adjustment" for you/YH? Seriously?

Look, I am not trying to be mean. Or snarky. But I think you completely devalued both the kids' mother and their relationship with her. You parent during summers, weekends, and holidays. I don't think you have an accurate picture, and I don't think you should judge her. 

TaylorHam86

You all have good questions! My husband moved "back home" after the divorce, and that's where we met a few years later. I completely understand why that big move would prevent him from getting custody in the beginning. 

I didn't mean to try to make myself sound superior with the church comment; however, she does have a problem. She leaves the boys at home with babysitters throughout the night while she is at bars. She has had assault charges against her from bar fights and a current investigation from social services about her physically abusing one of the boys in a public place. She smokes in the home even though they both have asthma. Last time we got them, the youngest had an ear infection (when we picked him up) and she blamed it on our dogs - never mind the fact that she has a dog at home. She claimed she'd taken him to the doctor the morning of the switch, and the doc said he was fine. But we took him to our own doctor who diagnosed the ear infection and loaded him up on medications.

The new move will be just as far in another direction. She says it will just be for a couple of years, and then they will move back. If stability was her main concern in the custody order, this is no way to ensure it. I know, I know, kids and families move all the time. We have to push back where we can, though.

We will suggest that the oldest son get the option to move with us as well, although my husband feels he would probably stay behind in his hometown with his grandparents, either way. Not separating them was a point in the original custody order, but at one point, his mother kicked him out (at age 10) and sent him to live with my husband while the younger two stayed with her. He was enrolled in school and sports in our town. Hopefully that contradiction will make a difference in the dispute.

The three-day weekends are sporadic, like Labor Day, Veteran's Day, or Memorial Day. It's never occurred to me to travel to meet them, though. My husband would much prefer to have them in our home where they can visit cousins and feel like a real family, but that is surely an option to consider. 

Therapy would be a must. Thank you for the suggestions.

Of course my post is one-sided. Like I said, it's a rant. She seems to enjoy making our life hell, and I try not to show how much it bothers me. That makes it even worse for my husband. If I can't unload my feelings on the internet, of all places, then where can I? I appreciate everyone's feedback. Custody is not pretty and it will be helpful to see it from other perspectives.

I don't know why my husband thought he'd get custody of them in the beginning with a 9 hour move, but I can't question that. If he hadn't moved, I wouldn't have met him. My job as his wife is to support him and to do what we feel is best for the kids. 

twister22

cunninghammy said:

You all have good questions! My husband moved "back home" after the divorce, and that's where we met a few years later. I completely understand why that big move would prevent him from getting custody in the beginning. 

I didn't mean to try to make myself sound superior with the church comment; however, she does have a problem. She leaves the boys at home with babysitters throughout the night while she is at bars. She has had assault charges against her from bar fights and a current investigation from social services about her physically abusing one of the boys in a public place. She smokes in the home even though they both have asthma. Last time we got them, the youngest had an ear infection (when we picked him up) and she blamed it on our dogs - never mind the fact that she has a dog at home. She claimed she'd taken him to the doctor the morning of the switch, and the doc said he was fine. But we took him to our own doctor who diagnosed the ear infection and loaded him up on medications.

The new move will be just as far in another direction. She says it will just be for a couple of years, and then they will move back. If stability was her main concern in the custody order, this is no way to ensure it. I know, I know, kids and families move all the time. We have to push back where we can, though.

We will suggest that the oldest son get the option to move with us as well, although my husband feels he would probably stay behind in his hometown with his grandparents, either way. Not separating them was a point in the original custody order, but at one point, his mother kicked him out (at age 10) and sent him to live with my husband while the younger two stayed with her. He was enrolled in school and sports in our town. Hopefully that contradiction will make a difference in the dispute.

The three-day weekends are sporadic, like Labor Day, Veteran's Day, or Memorial Day. It's never occurred to me to travel to meet them, though. My husband would much prefer to have them in our home where they can visit cousins and feel like a real family, but that is surely an option to consider. 

Therapy would be a must. Thank you for the suggestions.

Of course my post is one-sided. Like I said, it's a rant. She seems to enjoy making our life hell, and I try not to show how much it bothers me. That makes it even worse for my husband. If I can't unload my feelings on the internet, of all places, then where can I? I appreciate everyone's feedback. Custody is not pretty and it will be helpful to see it from other perspectives.

I don't know why my husband thought he'd get custody of them in the beginning with a 9 hour move, but I can't question that. If he hadn't moved, I wouldn't have met him. My job as his wife is to support him and to do what we feel is best for the kids. 

Thank you for the response and clarification. It definitely sounds like BM has a problem between the assault charge and current investigation for abuse. Are you keeping tabs on this and documenting this? This is a must if you want a chance at custody. About the ear infection - is there record that BM actually took SS to the doctor? If you remember when this happened/documented it, be sure to call the doctor and see if SS even came in on that day. If he did, it's possible for a doctor to miss something, or for something to worsen as the day goes on.

How long ago did the oldest SS live with you guys? How long was it for? Why did he go back?

I agree with the bold at the end. DH didn't really stand a chance to get full custody by up and moving after the divorce. He really should have stayed behind and tried for 50/50 custody, and he should have put SS's first, but that's in the past and you can't change the past. And it's true that you wouldn't have met him if he would have stayed behind.

I would talk with your lawyer a.s.a.p. See if DH has a case to build against BM. It is true that part of her "stability" argument is going out the window by her moving away.