Feeling defeated

ToastieSimons

I'm just getting so burned out.  I figured that after 3 years we would be making progress and yet everyday feels the same and like they all just run into the next one.  I'm tired of being screamed at from day to night, literally.  Within minutes of waking up someone is screaming and DS2 has decided he doesn't want to nap anymore.  Meaning from 1PM onward he's screaming, miserable, tantruming, exhausted and overtired.  But, he won't sleep.  No matter what I do.  He's only sleeping 7-8 hours a night and he's waking DS1 up on and off.  Meaning, I'm getting about 3-4 hours of broken sleep a night, DH too.  

All day long I triage their needs.  Today DS1 had to be late to school because DS2's PT session ran late.  It's all about who's screaming louder, who needs to eat first, who wants me now, and someone is always losing out and losing it

I'm just so tired ladies.  And so worn out and stressed out.

I weaned off Zoloft a few months ago and have been doing fine since.  But a few weeks ago our house got the plague and ended with me getting strep and I just feel like I never recovered.  I just don't see how anyone can do this would going insane (seriously).  

I never get a break, between DS1 needing to go to and from school, DS2 refusing to nap, DS1 eating every 2 hours, DS2 eating on an opposite schedule because he has therapy sessions, trying to feed myself, taking care of the house, doing laundry I'm just losing.  Something is always taking a back seat and no matter what it is, I'm screwed.  If the dishes take a back seat there are no pots and pans to cook the kids meals, if the laundry takes a back seat DS1 has no school clothes, if the kids take a back seat someone is screaming at the top of their lungs.  

It's so hard to accept that this is life and nothing is going to change.  I don't ever get to enjoy my kids, everything is about therapy and just trying to keep myself alive, and them too.  Even things that are supposed to be fun, never are because someone loses it.  DS1 wants to walk everywhere but can't, DS2 is miserable being worn, or sitting in the stroller but he's 25 lbs and impossible to carry because he is like a sack of potatoes.  

I just want a break.  And sometimes I want a different life, where I can have conversations with my kids, where they say funny things, where they're not losing it because their bodies can't keep up, where I could put a sandwich in front of my kid and he could eat it on his own.

I have an appointment with the dr tomorrow to discuss different medications, maybe I should just ask for a sedative?

Assembly_Reqd

Hugs. Lady, there are things on that list someone else could be doing!

Is there any money in your budget for doing the laundry and light housekeeping? Maybe ask at your church for some help? Have you reached out to ARC or other support groups? Care.com? (I know, like you need another thing on your To Do list, right?)

I just got an appointment for therapy and cannot WAIT to have someone listen to my whines. I don't care if I have to pay them(well, insurance pays most of it). I think you should consider upping your meds. I also just did this because my self-coping mechanisms were not up to snuff. There is no shame in "pharma". PERIOD.

Hugs. I can only imagine how tough you are having it. I am so sorry things are not looking brighter. {{{HUGGGGGGS}}}

ETA: You are not alone in wanting a different life. SNs SUCK AZZ.....

JoJoGee

I'm so sorry. It's draining just reading about it. Is there any way you could get your DH to help out more? Or, as Assembly suggested, could you pay someone to help you? Even a neighbor kid might be of some help. Or, could you reach out to your congregation?

No one should ever feel like they're alone in this.

Rachel Sonnier

Big ((HUGS)). That all sounds incredibly stressful. LOL about the sedative.

august06mom

I just wanted to offer hugs to you. Real hugs!

Zeidy01

Oh mama, I'm so sorry.
Have you considered in home Respite care?
Best of luck! And I agree on pharma care, it has helped me manage life a little better.

https://www.care.com/special-needs-care-options-p1145-q5915.html

ToastieSimons

-auntie- said:

(((hugs)))

Is the poor sleep to be expected? Or is this something his docs should be looking in to? When kids get insufficient sleep it can exacerbate behavioral issues. Plus, you'd all feel better if you were getting closer to a healthy amount of sleep.

I think the sleep issues are because he started sitting, crawling, and pulling to stand in the past month.  All he wants to do is roll around, sit, explore his crib, pull to stand in it.  He just has too much going on his brain right now.  Yesterday, he woke up at 7, he napped from 5:22-6:30 (I thought he was done for the night) and went to bed at 10:18.  He got up at 6 today.  He used to be a champion sleeper, 2-4 hour nap and 10 hours at night, but I do feel this is just a phase.

Are there any steps you can take to simplify your life? Do you have funds to do a wash and fold service? Can you hire someone to do light cleaning? Can you pick up food to go at the grocery store some days? Can DS#1 be transported to and from school as part of his IEP? 

The district provides busing, I'm just not comfortable using it.  His school is 25 minutes away.  A friend of ours has a son who attends the same school, he lives about 10 minutes further and he is on the bus for 1.5 hours each way.  When I asked the bus service how long DS1 would be on the bus she said it would be about 1.5-2 hours on the way there and about 1-1.5 on the way home.  He's only in school 2.5 hours!

I would avoid a sedative; bezos are addictive and you don't need that on top of everything else. Maybe it's time to revisit the Zoloft if it helped before.

The sedative was more a joke, believe me I'm petrified of addictive meds.  I have chronic pain and they prescribe a ridiculous number of medication for it and half of it's addictive and I barely touch it. 

ToastieSimons

JoJoGee said:

I'm so sorry. It's draining just reading about it. Is there any way you could get your DH to help out more? Or, as Assembly suggested, could you pay someone to help you? Even a neighbor kid might be of some help. Or, could you reach out to your congregation? No one should ever feel like they're alone in this.

we have no church here or neighborhood kids, there are only like 5 houses on the entire street.

I'll have to look into a housekeeper, it's just always seemed so hard with our crazy schedule to think of adding someone else to it.

zoeyandsummersmom

Get help - if you can afford it. Just delegating things to another person helps so much. 

lite-bright

I just wanted to give you big, big hugs. 

I know my local developmental disabilities board offers both funding for and recommendations for respite care. You desperately need some relief on a regular basis, to keep your sanity. Whether it's a housekeeper or respite care, or someone like a mother's helper who could take care of errands or laundry/dishes or other stuff while you're there juggling the boys. 

I'd contact the county DD agency and start asking for help or recommendations, and see what resources might be out there. 

SueBear

Can you see if your county or state provides any services? Also, see if there is anything your insurance will provide that may help. Also, maybe get a mother's helper. You can be at home and get things done while the mothers helper at least watches over one child. I was a mothers helper then babysitter for a child with CP. it took me a while to be trained on how to feed her, etc. but I became a regular sitter so the mom could be with her son.