Need suggestions

Littlejen22

I was talking to DS' teacher about something somewhat unrelated today and she mentioned that during recess he plays on his own. She tried to get him to join others and had tried to talk about his interests but he says he does not want to play with others and is happy on his own. He tells me the same. I cannot say I am shocked that he is not joining in. He has always been this way. He is good in one on one situations but not even small groups. And he is an anxious kid too. At hat point do you decide that it is ok to keep to yourself and how do I try to help him make friends in class and join in even if that means with just one or two kids as during recess the kids tend to break off into groups.

And for the most part he prefers girls. He has had some play days with a girl on our street that is in Kindergarten (he is in first grade) and he likes the twins in his dance class who are also a year younger than him and I am trying to setup a play date with them.

I have to say I have always thought he was fairly socially awkward but when he is one on one I don't really think he is although if we are out with siblings and people start to go off into groups he will sometimes choose to just do his own thing.

I was the most social kid so this is such new territory for me.

Pamelacake

10yo DS was like this until after he started 2nd grade. Before that, he mostly played with girls, he had plenty of cousins around quite a bit but he was older than all of them so he wasn't involved as much unless it was to help them with something. I tired an after school program at a church but that wasn't any help so I took him to the boys and girls club.

I think he started coming around and being more active with boys when I had a friend come over and her boy was the same age and was doing the same thing. So we started to get them together as much as possible. I ended up moving to her city and they became close. Then DS decided he wanted to be in sports and extra activities. I'm not sure why but maybe it's common. I was concerned about it too but he came out of it.

Littlejen22

I should add that I am not concerned that he prefers girls as I not not surprised by that because of interests and that part does not bother me but I want him to at least be friendly with the kids in class. And thanks for the comments.

Pamelacake

Sorry I should have worded mine differently.

DS had one friend and it was a girl. I think it was because they shared the same interests too. DS was a mean little one and would cuss and spit at kids on the bus, but never around his friend. He had many bus incidents throughout K so I drove him to school in 1st grade.

Being mean to the other kids is what concerned me. He had this "IDK" attitude towards them it seemed after talking with his teacher a few times. DS is completely different now and I kind of chalk it up to me playing mom and dad at the time, but I don't know for sure. =/

Ilumine

I would start looking at making one-on-one playdates with some of the kids in his class.  

At the very least, he will be less anxious around them, even in groups, because he knows them outside of school.  And the best, he will break out of his shell and become the center of attention. 

Monkey has a slightly different, but similar issue at school.  She ONLY wants to play with this one little girl. This little girl will only play with Monkey every now and again.  So every day, the FIRST THING I hear from Monkey is "Regan didnt want to play with me today or Regan played with me!"  

I tried the subtle suggestions and that has not worked.  So now we are doing some playdates with the other kids (boys and girls).  Its actually working out ok so far.

  

fellesferie

Is the teacher concerned?

I agree with Illumine's suggestion of one-on-one play dates. Do you walk to school; is there anyone he could walk with? We walk to school every day with two of DS's friends, and I think it is a low pressure way to have social time. 

Your OP could have been written (kind of) about me. I do not like big groups. I am socially awkward in parties or big group situations. But one-on-one, I'm fine. As an adult, I love having time alone. 

Banana44

My 10 yo SS has social issues, anxiety issues, and always prefers to play with children younger than him and usually prefers females.

Sometimes at family parties he interacts well and has a great time, other times he shuts down and goes to a quiet area and just sits by himself.  Also when he feels uncomfortable in a social situation he often doesn't eat.

At school during recess he frequently can be found alone, with the adults, or volunteering to do any job (such as cleaning up trash) just so that he can be separate.

Two years ago we sent him to group therapy for social skills.  He loved it and it taught him some appropriate ways to talk to a group of kids.

My SS is also in therapy for anxiety - because over the last 3 years his anxiety has gone off the charts at times.  We are currently in a high anxiety swing and it makes it nearly impossible to do anything.  

We continually practice his social and anxiety skills with him and honestly we push a little.  A worry with us is that it is not uncommon for children with this difficult mixture to withdraw completely once they need to switch schools into middle school and we can end up with a child that becomes almost an agoraphobic.  

My SS might be a little worse than just slight social and anxiety problems, but I have to be honest with you - not a week goes by that we aren't working on his skills.  And he has gotten better!  When he was 5 or 6 - he would play soccer and not know the names of the other kids on the team.  He would just try to be with the coach or a parent the whole time.  Now he rather enjoys sports and is a little more outgoing.  

Both his social group and anxiety group were recommended by his therapist.  And they not only taught SS skills, but they teach the parents the skills necessary to deal with it also.