I swear, boundaries are non existant

bebe11

My 2 sister in laws invited bm2 over on Halloween to my MIL's house, (Every year we all go there to trick or treat). They did it in front of me and my H, of course BM looked at me like OMG so I said "yea that would be great". Talk about awkward. I don't mind being around BM2, but come on.

Then one of my SIL's invites her to my nieces birthday party because she it fell on a weekend my h doesn't have SD. With isn't a big deal, we could of asked BM to get her for the day.

I guess I'm irritated because they don't take into consideration my feelings and that my H should have a say in if BM should be invited to his family functions.

bebe11

BM pick sd up from us while we were at a BBQ at my MIL's house and SILs followed us outside when BM go there.

twister22

I would be so annoyed. Thank goodness my family members aren't fans of BD. If I were in your shoes, I would be having DH have a discussion with his family about boundaries and respecting his family.

Pamelacake

I agree with twister and I am annoyed for you. It sounds like you guys get along OK but it would still be extremely awkward.

SusanH.

What does your DH say about it?  I mean, I can tolerate my SS's mom but my DH had ZERO desire to spend time with her....

SueBear

Ok, first of all, if you DON'T think it would be great, then don't SAY it will be great!  That's on you.

How awkward will it be?  Will it be a more positive experience for SD?  Some divorced  (and remarried) parents still do birthday parties and other events together, so unless your H has made it clear he doesn't want them around your ILS will not know.

Is MILs neighborhood a great neighborhood for trick-or-treating?  Unless it is THE place to go, then maybe you need to start your own traditions.  As kids get older (1st - 2nd grade) they want to go where they will see their friends.  I stopped going to my mom's house when my kids were in 1st grade.  It just became too hectic to drive.

And don't worry that MILs feelings will be hurt if you make another choice.  If SILs aren't taking your feelings into consideration, you don't need to worry about theirs.

bebe11

When we got home we talked about it and agreed it was wrong of them, but he won't say anything to them. He said BM won't go anyway, which really isn't the issue.

One of my SIL told my H (after I left, we took seperate cars) that she is still waiting for an appology from BM. The reason is because after BM and h split, BM said in court she didn't want SIL around sd because she gives kids alcohol and abuses her kids.

SueBear

Your DH needs to man up.

bebe11

@suebear I get what you're saying, and my first thought was to just go trick or treating somewhere else but another part of me wanted to try to work on creating a better relationship with my in laws. So I'm kind of torn and it's not that BM will be there that bothers me, it's the lack of consideration from SILs.

Lavender P

No one can control your SILs but your DH can make it clear that they are overstepping. It seems like they go out of their way to test you or see if you will protest by asking right in front of you. Also, I think your DH's answer that BM won't come anyway is just a cop out. If he knows it bothers you and he doesn't want her there either, he needs to tell his sisters that they are not to invite BM to family functions. If they choose to socialize separately, that is none of his business. However, the person that needs to be drawing boundaries is your DH and he seems like he rather just let his family do whatever they want, and you have to deal with it.

bebe11

Lavender P said:

No one can control your SILs but your DH can make it clear that they are overstepping. It seems like they go out of their way to test you or see if you will protest by asking right in front of you. Also, I think your DH's answer that BM won't come anyway is just a cop out. If he knows it bothers you and he doesn't want her there either, he needs to tell his sisters that they are not to invite BM to family functions. If they choose to socialize separately, that is none of his business. However, the person that needs to be drawing boundaries is your DH and he seems like he rather just let his family do whatever they want, and you have to deal with it.

I agree with everything you said.  BM actually called H yesterday to make sure all of this was ok (with me), and she and her bf are going on Halloween.  My husband agrees that he needs to have a discussion with him mom and his SILs (they aren't his sisters, they are his brother's wives). When my H was talking to BM, he said that he told her that SILs were out of line for inviting her, and although it is fine that she goes, the issue isn't with BM, but with how SILs are out of line for inviting her.  Eh.. if he actually talks to his mom and sils about this I will be shocked.

Lavender P

It was bad enough when I thought it was his sisters, but his brothers' wives makes it even worse. I'm mad for you. In that case he should talk to his brothers and ask them what the deal is.

Wahoo

At least BM is considerate, if DH's SILs arent!  They sound like drama queens, overstepping boundries and wanting apologies. 

You and DH should skip DN's birthday party.  It's a kid party, and your kid will be there (with BM).  Send a gift if you usually buy for DN.  They should get picture if you don't show up to things where they overstep. 

You need to remember that you/DH teach people how to treat you.  If you just "go along" and "don't make waves" because "you want a good relationship with them." you end up with a relationship where you are devalued and disrespected. 

I'm curious why, given that BM showed the courtesy of asking about how you felt, you don't want her there?  Do you dislike her?  Do you think she will get too much attention from SD on halloween? 

bebe11

Wahoo said:

At least BM is considerate, if DH's SILs arent!  They sound like drama queens, overstepping boundries and wanting apologies. 

You and DH should skip DN's birthday party.  It's a kid party, and your kid will be there (with BM).  Send a gift if you usually buy for DN.  They should get picture if you don't show up to things where they overstep. 

You need to remember that you/DH teach people how to treat you.  If you just "go along" and "don't make waves" because "you want a good relationship with them." you end up with a relationship where you are devalued and disrespected. 

I'm curious why, given that BM showed the courtesy of asking about how you felt, you don't want her there?  Do you dislike her?  Do you think she will get too much attention from SD on halloween? 

I don't mind BM being there, I don't think I ever said that.  I don't like how it was brought up and although I do get along with BM, I'd just prefer to not spend holidays with her. Now I would LOVE if we could pick up SD and take her with us on halloween.  

 

Lavender P

I understand what @bebe11is saying. I think that you can like BM (or SM) and be civil, but not necessarily want to spend holidays/special ocassions together. BM and I have a cordial relationship and yet even when we are at SS's events we barely acknowledge each other. We typically say hello and leave it at that.  I know some people believe that BF's are all one big family, we are definitely not like that. 

twister22

Lavender P said:

I understand what @bebe11is saying. I think that you can like BM (or SM) and be civil, but not necessarily want to spend holidays/special occasions together. BM and I have a cordial relationship and yet even when we are at SS's events we barely acknowledge each other. We typically say hello and leave it at that.  I know some people believe that BF's are all one big family, we are definitely not like that. 

I completely agree.

And to the bold - I don't think that's healthy, or a good thing to teach your kids. I hope that my kids don't make the same mistakes I did, and I hope that they want to have kids until they're with the person that they'll spend their life with. I don't want them to think "Oh, well I if I have kids with Susie Random it's NBD because then I can get with Mary Right and we can all be one, big happy BF just like my parents did!" I feel like I'm going to get flamed for that, but whatever.

CFjo2010

twister22 said:

Lavender P said:

I understand what @bebe11is saying. I think that you can like BM (or SM) and be civil, but not necessarily want to spend holidays/special occasions together. BM and I have a cordial relationship and yet even when we are at SS's events we barely acknowledge each other. We typically say hello and leave it at that.  I know some people believe that BF's are all one big family, we are definitely not like that. 

I completely agree.

And to the bold - I don't think that's healthy, or a good thing to teach your kids. I hope that my kids don't make the same mistakes I did, and I hope that they want to have kids until they're with the person that they'll spend their life with. I don't want them to think "Oh, well I if I have kids with Susie Random it's NBD because then I can get with Mary Right and we can all be one, big happy BF just like my parents did!" I feel like I'm going to get flamed for that, but whatever.

I'm not going to flame you, I'm just going to tell you a little story that might make you laugh...

One of the moms at K and DD's school is from a blended family.  Her parents divorced and remarried when she was young.  She told me that she grew up with her BM, SF, BD and SM at all the holidays, birthdays, special events.  The 4 of them were very friendly and growing up she never sensed any sort of tension.  She told me that they would actually take Summer vacays together and it never seemed strange to her.  Let's just say she was incredibly surprised and extremely confused when she discovered DH and BM aren't the same way.  I'm talking, jaw on the ground, in complete shock.  She has 2 children with her husband and they have been married for 11 years.

I don't think that it's "unhealthy" for kids from blended families to view their BPs and SPs as one big happy family.  In her case, I think it's an amazingly wonderful thing to grow up feeling that way.  She doesn't have the assumption that she can divorce her DH and go marry someone else.  However, she does have a very skewed vision of what happens in blended families.  I think if I had to choose, I would prefer that my kids (K included) think of all of us as one big happy family as opposed to being exposed to the drama and hostility they have had to witness over the years.  I mean really, what's going to lead to more therapy?  Having a sense of unity with all members of your family (bio and step), or knowing that there was hurt/anger/animosity/etc among your family (bio and step)?

twister22

jobalchak said:

twister22 said:

Lavender P said:

I understand what @bebe11is saying. I think that you can like BM (or SM) and be civil, but not necessarily want to spend holidays/special occasions together. BM and I have a cordial relationship and yet even when we are at SS's events we barely acknowledge each other. We typically say hello and leave it at that.  I know some people believe that BF's are all one big family, we are definitely not like that. 

I completely agree.

And to the bold - I don't think that's healthy, or a good thing to teach your kids. I hope that my kids don't make the same mistakes I did, and I hope that they want to have kids until they're with the person that they'll spend their life with. I don't want them to think "Oh, well I if I have kids with Susie Random it's NBD because then I can get with Mary Right and we can all be one, big happy BF just like my parents did!" I feel like I'm going to get flamed for that, but whatever.

I'm not going to flame you, I'm just going to tell you a little story that might make you laugh...

One of the moms at K and DD's school is from a blended family.  Her parents divorced and remarried when she was young.  She told me that she grew up with her BM, SF, BD and SM at all the holidays, birthdays, special events.  The 4 of them were very friendly and growing up she never sensed any sort of tension.  She told me that they would actually take Summer vacays together and it never seemed strange to her.  Let's just say she was incredibly surprised and extremely confused when she discovered DH and BM aren't the same way.  I'm talking, jaw on the ground, in complete shock.  She has 2 children with her husband and they have been married for 11 years.

I don't think that it's "unhealthy" for kids from blended families to view their BPs and SPs as one big happy family.  In her case, I think it's an amazingly wonderful thing to grow up feeling that way.  She doesn't have the assumption that she can divorce her DH and go marry someone else.  However, she does have a very skewed vision of what happens in blended families.  I think if I had to choose, I would prefer that my kids (K included) think of all of us as one big happy family as opposed to being exposed to the drama and hostility they have had to witness over the years.  I mean really, what's going to lead to more therapy?  Having a sense of unity with all members of your family (bio and step), or knowing that there was hurt/anger/animosity/etc among your family (bio and step)?

I think the situation your friend grew up in his the exception, and not the norm. If people can really and truly get along as one big happy family, then more power to them. I think in most situations there's just too much "stuff" to interfere with that. When BD was still with XGF, XGF said that she wanted us to all be able to have Thanksgiving together. And I knew that that would never happen, not because I'm "mean," or "bitter," or "can't put the kids first," but because I knew that that wouldn't be fair to my future DH, and to any kids we had together, among other reasons.

DS is used to a life of "two." Two families, two Birthdays, two Thanksgivings, two Christmas', two of all the other holidays, two vacations, two houses, etc. When I think of my immediate family, I think of my household. When I was a kid that was my parents and two brothers, and now that I have my "own" family it's me, DH, and our kids. One day it will just be me & DH. If DS has a different mind set and thinks of us all as one big family, I'm definitely not going to tell him otherwise/what I think, but I'm not going to "teach" him that we're one big happy family.

bebe11

I don't think I would be as opposed to the "big happy family" if it was always that way from the get go.  We've just had so many ups and downs that it just would never feel right.

Lavender P

I completely agree with @twister22. In most cases, one big happy family is not remotely a possibility. BM has tried to have DH thrown in jail twice with false accusations and that is not someone you want to sit at a table with and tell them what you are thankful for... BM mentioned to DH once that her friend is in a BF and they throw joint parties etc, and told him that it was his fault that they don't do it. He told her that he refuses to subject his family to her when she is so volatile and unpredictable, and I don't blame him. She has cursed and screamed at DH after a talent show at SS's school, in front of all of the other kids and parents. What's to prevent her from making a scene at a holiday party? I think it is far more embarrassing for SS then DH. I agree that it is much healthier for the kids to see all the parents get along then to be shown hostility. But I think there is a happy medium between pretending that DH and BM never separated and seeing them want to kill each other. My DS plays with BM's other two children at SS's sporting events. I would never discourage it or in anyway tell him he can't. However, if SS wanted his siblings over our house to play, I would not be comfortable with it (not that BM would ever allow it either), because it is my home and too personal. The bottom line for me is that I can tolerate BM for my SS and we treat each other like a business relationship. However I have zero desire to spend my free time with someone my DH used to have sex with as a teenager. If she was the type of person I would be friends with separate from DH I would consider it (if DH was comfortable with it too). When DH and I started dating seriously I wanted to invite her and SF to dinner, but after all the things she has done to DH and even SS, I can't try to be friends with her let alone family. She is a pretty crappy human being who makes poor choices and blames DH for them. SS is by far the best thing she has ever done and yet she is doing her damnedest to turn him into herself. The only connection and interaction I ever want to have with her is SS. I think that we all need to have boundaries that we are comfortable with and each BF has their own dynamic. For those who truly blend their families together, I commend them. I think a more realistic goal for ours is making it until SS is 18 with the least amount of battle scars.

twister22

Lavender P said:

I completely agree with @twister22. In most cases, one big happy family is not remotely a possibility. BM has tried to have DH thrown in jail twice with false accusations and that is not someone you want to sit at a table with and tell them what you are thankful for... BM mentioned to DH once that her friend is in a BF and they throw joint parties etc, and told him that it was his fault that they don't do it. He told her that he refuses to subject his family to her when she is so volatile and unpredictable, and I don't blame him. She has cursed and screamed at DH after a talent show at SS's school, in front of all of the other kids and parents. What's to prevent her from making a scene at a holiday party? I think it is far more embarrassing for SS then DH. I agree that it is much healthier for the kids to see all the parents get along then to be shown hostility. But I think there is a happy medium between pretending that DH and BM never separated and seeing them want to kill each other. My DS plays with BM's other two children at SS's sporting events. I would never discourage it or in anyway tell him he can't. However, if SS wanted his siblings over our house to play, I would not be comfortable with it (not that BM would ever allow it either), because it is my home and too personal. The bottom line for me is that I can tolerate BM for my SS and we treat each other like a business relationship. However I have zero desire to spend my free time with someone my DH used to have sex with as a teenager. If she was the type of person I would be friends with separate from DH I would consider it (if DH was comfortable with it too). When DH and I started dating seriously I wanted to invite her and SF to dinner, but after all the things she has done to DH and even SS, I can't try to be friends with her let alone family. She is a pretty crappy human being who makes poor choices and blames DH for them. SS is by far the best thing she has ever done and yet she is doing her damnedest to turn him into herself. The only connection and interaction I ever want to have with her is SS. I think that we all need to have boundaries that we are comfortable with and each BF has their own dynamic. For those who truly blend their families together, I commend them. I think a more realistic goal for ours is making it until SS is 18 with the least amount of battle scars.

I find the bold to be especially true. There is a reason that the BM & BD separated, there is a reason they didn't stay a happy family. They separated, and now they have separate families. It would be awesome if all involved could be "one big happy family," and it would be even more awesome if the BM & BD could have stayed together as a happy family. But they weren't happy, so they separated. It sucks for the kid(s), it really and truly does. I don't think being "one big happy family" with BD is in DS's best interest, so we don't work that way. Again, for people who make it work, more power to them. It's just not for me. Or for most people, for that matter.

hopanka

Twister - it's more like it is not in your best interest or that you would not like it, but it would be in your son's best interest. Let's say it like it is.

xmaryrickx

I feel like I am missing something. If you don't mind being around BM, and everyone get along, what's the issue? I get the SIL aspect, but honestly, if everyone gets along, I would think that experiencing these types of things together would be great for SD and all involved. I wish BM was civil and that we could have had these experiences with SS when he was younger.

twister22

hopanka said:

Twister - it's more like it is not in your best interest or that you would not like it, but it would be in your son's best interest. Let's say it like it is.

Ha yeah, you clearly have no idea what you're talking about. This is the BD that is saying it's best if DH adopts DS. This is the BD who is living in a garage and refuses to get a suitable home for his 2 kids.

And you're talking to the person who goes above and beyond to make sure that DS not only has a great relationship with BD, but with his little sister from BD as well. The person who bends over backwards and is beyond flexible. I put DS above myself always, and constantly do the "uncomfortable" because I know it's in DS's best interest.

And not only is acting like "one big happy family" not in DS's best interest, it's also not in my DD's best interest, or in my DH's best interest, or any future kids' best interest.

hopanka

"One big happy family" generally means being able to have friendly interactions with the other parent in front of the child, being able to handle a birthday party or a soccer match together in a non-akward manner, and generally co-parent successfully and with mutual respect. And that is always in the best interest of any child. No need to get all pissy, Twister. I don't know what you are imagining when somebody says "one big happy family"....nobody says it means y'all have to share a bed with your ex.

twister22

hopanka said:

"One big happy family" generally means being able to have friendly interactions with the other parent in front of the child, being able to handle a birthday party or a soccer match together in a non-akward manner, and generally co-parent successfully and with mutual respect. And that is always in the best interest of any child. No need to get all pissy, Twister. I don't know what you are imagining when somebody says "one big happy family"....nobody says it means y'all have to share a bed with your ex.

Ummm, that is NOT my definition of "one big happy family." And I don't think that's what most everyone else is referring to. BD and I always have friendly interactions, as BD thinks we're friends. We don't do joint parties, I have one for my family and he has one for his, I don't think that's a big deal. BD chooses not to go to any of DS's extra curricular activities despite having all the info, however DH & I have invited him to our church, and he's come on a few occasions on his own and a few times with his DD, every time we will meet him in between services, and as awkward as it is I've introduced him to my friends there. Our co-parenting is excellent, as we are open with one another in terms of what is working and what isn't, and we adjust things accordingly.

And I'm not getting all pissy, if you saw my "Fair Warning" OP I will be using lots of Dexter gifs in the near future.

We good?

Lavender P

hopanka said:

"One big happy family" generally means being able to have friendly interactions with the other parent in front of the child, being able to handle a birthday party or a soccer match together in a non-akward manner, and generally co-parent successfully and with mutual respect. And that is always in the best interest of any child. No need to get all pissy, Twister. I don't know what you are imagining when somebody says "one big happy family"....nobody says it means y'all have to share a bed with your ex.

That is definitely not what we were talking about. @jobalchak mentioned that she knew someone whose BF spent holidays togeher and even vacationed together. That is where the one big happy family reference came in. What you are talking about is being cordial and civil, which @twister22 does even when any other person would lose their mind dealing with her BD. She is far nicer to him then he deserves, and always puts her DS first. No one is saying you shouldn't have positive interactions with the other parent; we were saying we didn't want to open up our personal lives to them anymore then was necessary to coparent.

+just+j+

I love how the SIL's have kind of taken over. My aunts do this to in our family, but in a different sort of way.  Two SIL's just insert themselves and take over. In a family of ten kids, Mom is the one sister back home and there are 4 brothers that all live in the same community. Those 2 particular SIL's drive her crazy. She feels over-ridden and not considered a lot of the time. Her answer?  She does her own thing. She does just enough with them, but for the most part she doesn't go out of her way.

Life is too short to be doing things you don't like. So don't.

Pamelacake

Maybe the in-laws don't know that what they are doing is wrong and need someone to spell it out for them? In a perfect situation it wouldn't be an issue but I don't think those are common at all in BF's.

My in-laws don't come over very much anymore. They used to bring BM over, They even started bringing BM over here when I was the only one home. They were quickly put in there place by DH and they sided with BM.  Even after the crazy they witnessed while BM was here with them.  

hopanka

We good. Only because I like Dexter ;-)

 

bebe11

xmaryrickx said:

I feel like I am missing something. If you don't mind being around BM, and everyone get along, what's the issue? I get the SIL aspect, but honestly, if everyone gets along, I would think that experiencing these types of things together would be great for SD and all involved. I wish BM was civil and that we could have had these experiences with SS when he was younger.

I guess I have a hard time letting go of the past and how BM used to act, which makes me not want to spend actual time with her.  So I am going to go along with halloween and see how it goes, and if it isn't so bad then that will be great.