i am intimidated by my mother in law

iup22

i am just going to come out and say it- i am intimidated by my mother in law. 

Let me paint a picture for you.. The main issue is that my husband and I have different ideas about family. He thinks family should be one big godfather movie... with everyone always in each other's lives and at each other's houses. He actually said that we should go to his mother's house every night for dinner (his argument was: it would logically be easier for me because i wouldn't have to cook AND as a bonus we would be saving money... also his mom makes really delicious food so why isn't it a win win win?) I really believe that if we all lived in one big house he would be perfectly fine with us just having our own bedroom. He would be fine with his parents practically raising our children. I however, was raised in a different way. I am a person that needs and cherishes privacy and my own personal space. Yes, i love my family to death. yes, i want them to be a big part of my life. But i see my husband and i as one separate branch on the family tree and sees us... as all one big branch without so much emphasis on us as a couple. 

I am terrified of the fact that when i have children, i think my husband will do nothing to prevent my mother in law from stomping into my life and suffocating everything until she is in CONTROL. This is a woman whose sole purpose in life was to raise her children. she never worked- she was a stay at home mom and that was what she lived for. now that her children are all grown up she feels she has no purpose. she is bidding her time until she can be a grandmother and find some meaning to her life again. I want to be understanding, I want to put myself in her shoes- but i just can't shake the idea that she will become an overpossive monster and elbow me out of the way to complete her sol purpose in life- "BEING THE GRANDMOTHER aka GOD" 

When we first got married.... we would come home to 10+ voicemails on the answering machine with her weeping and begging us to tell her where we were. she would literally have an anxiety attack if she didn't hear from us every 10 hours. I.CANNOT.LIVE.THAT.WAY. 

It's five years later and she has calmed down tremendously- we are actually getting along now and are always very nice and polite to one another. But again, i am dreading becoming pregnant because i know she will want to be the mother instead of the grandmother. and i will be alone in the fight against her. my kids will probably grow up thinking she is their mother and undermine me all the time. i don't know how to manipulate teh situation so that i get my own way. my husband is a genius at this and always manages to convince me i dont actually want what i want... i actually want what HE wants. 

HELP! any kind advice will be greatly appreciated... 

should i tell her all of this?? am i nuts to think this way? probably.

littlemermaid

When you were dating your husband how in the world did you think that he was a good choice for a husband? 

rockyrollgirl

Your husband is the issue.

Disneygeek77

Man, I really don't know what to tell ya. 

The only advice I can offer is marriage counseling, serious marriage counseling.  If you refuses, then you should go to individual counseling because you might have some difficult decisions to make. 

dmartin726

Not going to say you had a poor choice in husbands. But he needs to see your side and agree with you or you will spend most of your life unhappy with both him and your inlaws. Since that hasn't already been ironed out, it needs to be before children are born. DH is Italian and comes from the same type of family. We don't put up with that. We have clearly set boundaries and put people in their place when we need to. Note, I am saying we. Not me alone fighting the battle.

dmartin726

letranger said:

As someone 100% Italian and as you seem to imply your husband's family is I lay this out straight you married an Italian mama's boy and you as a "Americano" pronounced medigan will never cook or be her.

But I doubt you didn't notice this when you were dating.

Go to Sunday supper and live with the fact that your mother in law will forever talk shit about you behind your back.

Nailed it. I couldn't love this more. Medigan... That's my FILs joking nickname for me. Ha.

iup22

i literally had to google "medigan" but thanks for the laugh... and for laying it straight. I have outright accused my husband of exactly what you said but he would have none of it and every such conversation ends with my being the crazy looney insecure wife- trying to stir up trouble with his full of good intentions mom. 

Disneygeek77

3 billion men in the world.  Just sayin', three billion. 

Socialworkgirl

. i don't know how to manipulate teh situation so that i get my own way. my husband is a genius at this and always manages to convince me i dont actually want what i want... i actually want what HE wants. HELP! any kind advice will be greatly appreciated... should i tell her all of this?? am i nuts to think this way? probably.

So, this statement--not your MIL is the real problem here. If your husband doesn't respect your wants and needs and manipulates you like this, this really needs to change before you have children. A relationship is built on respect, open communication, and cooperation--not manipulation. So the answer is not you figuring out how to better manipulate him.

I think you all need to have some serious conversations about your relationship, your views on parenting, and the role other family will have in your family. If you cannot come to a mutual understanding about these issues in which your husband truly shows that he respects you and your wishes,please do not have children with him. Based on what you are saying, I really think it would be important to seek the help of a good marriage counselor to help you work through these issues.

iup22

as pathetic as it sounds... it may look like i am overreacting from the outside but i think that in reality i am just trying to stop the past from repeating itself. When there is no stress or important stuff happening, MIL and I get along fine. It has been pretty smooth the past few (childless) years. But when it comes to something as important as her grandchild.. i dont think ill be able to stand up  to her, especially if my husband doesnt back me up. 

so you don't think im absolutely our of mind at this point.... on our wedding night my MIL was literally ranting during the reception that we need to go up to our suite and count all the money from the wedding because SHE made an investment and needs to know (mind you.. she never ever worked but OK) I told my husband no way.. and he waved me off and said he was tired of fighting with her (she acted like a savage animal throughout wedding plans.) i also went to my mom and she responded in the exact same way- she said she doesnt have the energy to stand up to satan aka my mil one more time and she is tired of fighting with her nonstop. On my wedding night me, my husband and both our parents sat in our suite and counted the damn money because if we didnt she would rain hell on all of us. WHAT MAKES ME THINK SHE WILL GIVE UP CONTROL OF HER PRECIOUS GRANDCHILDREN aka her reason for pretending to be useful. 

to answer your question of why i didnt talk to my husband about this before the wedding... well we got married very young and frankly didnt really talk about anything other than the fact that we were in love. 

Disneygeek77

well you are probably right, she won't let you parent your own children.  So what are you going to do about it ?

Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life ?

nosoup4u

Is your husband's name Raymond by any chance?

iup22

no, his name is not raymond. ....................... as in everybody loves raymond? 

also, the link you posted is not a fake poster. i started the same discussion thread on two different boards. 

nosoup4u

iup22

oh God. i'm going end up as miserable as Debra... except it wont be funny.

Socialworkgirl

iup22 said:

as pathetic as it sounds... it may look like i am overreacting from the outside but i think that in reality i am just trying to stop the past from repeating itself. When there is no stress or important stuff happening, MIL and I get along fine. It has been pretty smooth the past few (childless) years. But when it comes to something as important as her grandchild.. i dont think ill be able to stand up  to her, especially if my husband doesnt back me up. 

so you don't think im absolutely our of mind at this point.... on our wedding night my MIL was literally ranting during the reception that we need to go up to our suite and count all the money from the wedding because SHE made an investment and needs to know (mind you.. she never ever worked but OK) I told my husband no way.. and he waved me off and said he was tired of fighting with her (she acted like a savage animal throughout wedding plans.) i also went to my mom and she responded in the exact same way- she said she doesnt have the energy to stand up to satan aka my mil one more time and she is tired of fighting with her nonstop. On my wedding night me, my husband and both our parents sat in our suite and counted the damn money because if we didnt she would rain hell on all of us. WHAT MAKES ME THINK SHE WILL GIVE UP CONTROL OF HER PRECIOUS GRANDCHILDREN aka her reason for pretending to be useful. 

to answer your question of why i didnt talk to my husband about this before the wedding... well we got married very young and frankly didnt really talk about anything other than the fact that we were in love. 

Is this MUD? What does this really even have to do with anything? I really think you need to focus on your relationship with your husband and how he doesn't respect you and stop worrying about your MIL.

nosoup4u

you've been around since 2008, but are only posting now. I dunno, the Bump is ground zero for MUD. If you're real, I apologize. Just seems a bit over the top.

On a positive note, your post does have its very own sitcom!

rockyrollgirl

Dude...

iup22

it's not MUD! 

nosoup4u

iup22 said:

oh God. i'm going end up as miserable as Debra... except it wont be funny.

That show was supposed to be funny?

iup22

i always wondered about that! its actually about a miserable family but they keep throwing in the corny audience laugh all the time... 

Disneygeek77

iup22 said:

it's not MUD! 

iup22 said:

it's not MUD! 

Man, that only makes it more sad.

I mean when it came to choosing someone to have a home with, build a life with, make babies with and have a future with; why did you choose this guy ? I have a hard time believing he didn't show this side of himself when you guys were dating.

iup22

i would love to tell you that my post is a dramatic version my my actual teenage boyfriend problems... but sorry no can do. 

also, thanks everyone for the responses- i haven't been on this message board in ages and needed some outside honest advice about my view of the problem. ive been considering marriage counseling for a while and have even mentioned to DH. Other than MIL... i wouldn't trade him for anyone. As naive as that may sound.. i won't give up (or get pregnant) until i can rest easy about this whole.... "MIL is going to take my life aaaaaa" fear. 

foxmini

Yeah, definitely your husband's fault. I completely see you on your bmb in a year or two saying "help, my MIL keeps telling me how to breastfeed and she won't leave my house and she keeps changing my kid's clothes every time I turn around."

lexusolsen

DH and I are in marriage counseling because he needed to grow a pair. It's awesome! I love that we are on the same page (even when we compromise and it's not exactly what I wanted) and most of all, I love that DH stands up for us. He never rocked the boat and so it was always my fault when we didn't want to follow along like we were told. Now he handles them and stands up for us. He always said I was his top priority but it wasn't until he stood up for us that I felt like I was. Marriage counseling would go a long way.

iup22

that would be funny if i didnt have nightmares about it. 

Andrewsgal

I will say it again because you are missing it everytime. YOUR HUSBAND IS THE PROBLEM NOT YOUR MIL!!!

iup22

MY HUSBAND IS THE PROBLEM. still dont like MIL though. 

....................................................

now what? a DH issue always worse than a MIL issue. as i said in a previous post- we are looking into counciling. 

Andrewsgal

You have two options fix this with counseling. Or leave.

iup22

"feed the beast" love it. 

littlemermaid

Counseling only works if the person is motivated to change and also sees the wrong in what they are doing.  Your husband has been raised from birth thinking this is the way life should be. He has admitted that he doesn't see anything wrong with his mother's wishes of eating over there every night and your MIL raising your future children.  He's not going to change because he doesn't see anything wrong with that way of life.    Unfortunately I know too many women who married men just like your husband(I'm 100% Italian too) and after having children it just got worse and the husbands always took their mother's side.  Sadly these women had to eventually divorce their husbands.  Too bad they didn't divorce them before having children.   Sorry but love can't change this problem because your husband loves his mother more than you.