Avoiding the bed sharing/CIO talks with the ped

st.augbride

I just had dd's 9 month appointment and dh came with me. Dd is doing great and growing like a weed. Anyhow, the doc, who isn't our regular but we've seen him before, essentially just has a list of questions he goes through, one being: is she sleeping in her own room? I just said yes and dh gave me this confused look. The truth of course is that no, not even close. She is in my bed sleeping next to me. Then he asks if she sleeps through the night. For that one, I just said that she wakes up 1-3 times to nurse and goes right back, and that I'm fine with that. Ds stopped naturally at 14 months when I weaned. I'm sure she will too eventually. He then went on to tell me about extinction CIO and how it's best to do it from 4-6 months so it might not work as well now anyway. I know this particular practice pushes this at 4 months, but don't even the CIO experts like Ferber say to wait until 6 months?

Anyhow, it all just left a bad taste in my mouth. I hate not being completely honest, but I just don't feel like being lectured on how to parent. I understand the safety concerns for bed sharing. I really do. But again, this is what works for us. We both sleep great. Ds was in a crib at this point and he still got up 2-3 times each night while getting BM. Still, these appointments always leave me feeling guilty like I'm screwing up somehow by not having her sleeping independently in her own room yet. Bleh...

foodwatersleep

You're not alone. The first time Dd's doctor asked where she was sleeping, she went on about how dangerous bed sharing is even before I answered, so like you, I just told her she sleeps in her crib. All of my friends with kids would look down on me for doing it too. Thank goodness most of my cousins that have kids also bed share, otherwise I'd feel like I was hiding a scandalous secret from the world!

Jbosarge85

I actually had a student checking DD last appointment and asked me where she sleeps (first time I was ever asked), I told her the truth that she sleeps with me. And she said, "Well, she's old enough now that there shouldn't be a problem. But of course you should know the best place is on her back in her crib" I was surprised that she was so ok with it. I'm just wondering if I will be asked again, and if I am unfortunately I probably will lie.

ncbelle

Honestly, I wouldn't stick with a pedi who gave unsolicited advice about sleep.  But if this isnt your regular doc and you are otherwise happy with the practice...I don't lie.  I'd say "nope.  But we are perfectly happy that our baby is sleeping like it's developmentally appropriate for a 9 month old to sleep" - and give a big ole smile

PhieryBFly

Honestly, you should have lectured him. His suggestions go against a lot of research.

kellyrn9956

My ped gave me sort of a knowing smile when I told him I was bedsharing. I think more parents do it than we think. He then half assed gave me the SIDS lecture. This was when James was 2 months old. Now he doesn't even ask.

opheliainwaders

kellyrn9956 said:

My ped gave me sort of a knowing smile when I told him I was bedsharing. I think more parents do it than we think. He then half assed gave me the SIDS lecture. This was when James was 2 months old. Now he doesn't even ask.

Heh, mine too, but then she told me she bed-shared, and last visit when we were talking about BFing, confided that she nursed her kids to sleep for ages, "drowsy-but-awake" notwithstanding, and basically said, however sleep is working, if it's working for your family, don't feel like you have to mess with it. I think I hit the pedi jackpot!

st.augbride

PhieryBFly said:

Honestly, you should have lectured him. His suggestions go against a lot of research.

I said a few things about the CIO business, how I think it's completely normal and we're fine with waking at night to feed her (of course she's right next to me, so we barely wake), and that I read that night sleep is genetic anyway, yada yada yada, but yeah. I wish they honestly would be more open to discussing strategies based on realistic needs and expectations, but no, they pretty much stink with that. We deal with so many specialist doctors though for my son that I don't have it in me to even try to find someone else for basic things.

Emerald27

My pedi asks how he's sleeping as a matter of course. You know, because it's important that kids get enough sleep (she's more concerned with this than with where he sleeps).

I'm pretty candid about my parenting decisions and she doesn't bother to comment anymore. I used to assure her that I had researched and that my decisions were informed...we now agree to disagree, and she just sticks to keeping him healthy.

MJM3108

I've lied to our pedi about bedsharing, and I will do it again at DS's 9 month appt, too, I'm sure. I rely on our pedi for health issues, not parenting styles or advice. 

It was bad enough when I brought him in for his 6 month visit and the nurse freaked when I said we were using amber teething necklaces and teething tablets. She practically told me I was trying to kill my son. But she also told me my cats would try and "steal his breath because it smells like milk" so I took that for what it was worth. That nurse no longer is allowed to see my son, as she is clearly BSC! 

Meganequine

mrsjessicamitchell said:

I've lied to our pedi about bedsharing, and I will do it again at DS's 9 month appt, too, I'm sure. I rely on our pedi for health issues, not parenting styles or advice. 

It was bad enough when I brought him in for his 6 month visit and the nurse freaked when I said we were using amber teething necklaces and teething tablets. She practically told me I was trying to kill my son. But she also told me my cats would try and "steal his breath because it smells like milk" so I took that for what it was worth. That nurse no longer is allowed to see my son, as she is clearly BSC! 

I can't believe that nurse is even a nurse.  I wouldn't let her see my child after a crazy comment like that either.

 

That I can recall my pedi has never asked where LO sleeps.  Maybe at the initial appointment he said back is best and the crib. . . but it hasn't come up since. They ask as a standard questions he sleeping through the night; and if you say no they ask how long stretches of sleep are.  This seems like a reasonable medical questions, since it is healthier to get longer stretches of sleep, and can be a sign that something is up if they are not.  We discussed sleep training at 6 months, but more in the sense of if you wanted to try it now is a good time to start.

rayandbrit

I always lied with my first one, and tried so hard to start getting her in the crib b/c everyone made me feel like I was doing something terrible by bed-sharing. Then with my second, I was over everyone's opinions, and I finally just started being honest. As PP said, I go to the Pedi for health issues, not parenting advice. I do listen to their mandatory speeches, but just smile and say "Ok, thanks I'll keep that in mind."

It does make it difficult for me to answer the "how often are they waking," etc questions, because I pretty much just keep my shirt up and let my LO nurse at will. We've just recently switched pedis, he is young, has 5 kids, and seems much more laid back in general. I still don't agree with a few of his suggestions (i.e. he is anti "on demand" feeding), but overall he doesn't hassle us and I appreciate it.

Robi1

We don't bedshare, but I agree with the pp who said the pedi is for health advice, not parenting advice. I don't care to discuss anything that has no health bearing with a doctor. 

jbandkb

When at my DS 2 months check up one of the pedi in the practice that we never meet gave us a lecture on the proper way to raise kids. He went into CIO starting at 2 months, never bed sharing, never AP and other things. Telling me if we did my DS would be a horrible kid. After crying in his office we went home and found a new pedi. Love new pedi he has never once asked any questions about parenting only about development, milestones and such. DS is going to be 18 months and we still bed share and love it. I'm not going to any dr for their personal option but their medical.

skibunny59

I really don't like pedi's who are so judgemental and ask stupid questions like that.  My pedi, who is pretty old school by the way, has never once asked where DD sleeps or if she sleeps through the night.  I am also still breastfeeding DD who is 18 months and often whip it out in front of him.  He doesn't even blink an eye.  Where your LO sleeps shouldn't be of any concern to your pedi.

PipSqueak0313

I've never had a Pedi ask me where my kids slept -- they've only asked if I had a crib for them....I guess they've assumed that if I have a crib for them they're sleeping in it.  I got more flack from ds1's Pedis for giving my milk intolerant son non-milk based formula in 1996/1997 than I ever did on any parenting choice.

Boonhilde

Now that you mention it, I am a little flabbergasted that they even ask where the baby sleeps. I think if mine asks again at this coming up 9 month appointment I'm going to tell them he sleeps in the bathtub. I mean, who cares?! Obviously he's at his checkup and is doing just fine. It's not the doctor's business. You don't go in for physicals and get your doctor asking where YOU sleep!

honkytonk_kid

Boonhilde said:

Now that you mention it, I am a little flabbergasted that they even ask where the baby sleeps. I think if mine asks again at this coming up 9 month appointment I'm going to tell them he sleeps in the bathtub. I mean, who cares?! Obviously he's at his checkup and is doing just fine. It's not the doctor's business. You don't go in for physicals and get your doctor asking where YOU sleep!

Well, to be fair, there ARE unsafe places for a baby to sleep. On the couch, with a bunch of blankets and stuffed animals, in certain sleep positioners that have been recalled, etc. I don't think it's an unreasonable question, BUT I think the reaction of many pedis is uninformed. They have a great opportunity to teach safe cosleeping practices instead of condemning it outright, but many/most don't.

OP, I think I skirted the issue a bit. At the first appointment he was sleeping in a cosleeper in our bed and she didn't say anything about it. After that he usually started the night in his crib (in our room) or I wasn't asked.

kakhmama

Lurker here...I too don't tell a soul that DH and I bed share. We have with all 3 of our children. We had a cousin lose a 4 week old to suffocation while bed sharing..my MIL would be confrontational with me if she knew.

I choose this for my family and I wouldn't let anyone including my pedi persuade me to do otherwise. If mine asked I would deny too.

=Lee=B

I've never been asked about sleep arrangements, and my doctor is very thorough about covering a lot of topics at each appointment.  I have not brought it up...not because I would feel the need to lie but because I like the doctor and my daughter loves him and I feel like if he lectured me on it I would be so disappointed and wouldn't be as happy going!!  I almost asked his thoughts on CIO last appointment...but couldn't do it.  I have zero plans to ever do CIO but was curious his thoughts, BUT what if he was pro CIO? I'd have total loss of respect.

Anyways...I do remember in the hospital the nurse covered all these topics on safety etc and she said that the safest place for baby to sleep was in a crib, beside our bed.  In our room so we could see her at all times.  At that time we didn't really know what sleep arrangements would come but I had planned to sleep in a bed in her nursery with her in crib nearby. I asked how long it was recommended to have baby in our room.  They said 18months.  I was like wow, ok.  When she left I remember my husband and I raising our eye brows thinking the nurse was nuts...18 months? hahaha.  We are now 7 months in and 18 months seems way too soon!

Anyways I was still out of it in those hospital days to process and appreciate but I think back now and I am like...YES, what great advice to be giving new parents!  I wonder if my doctor would say the same.  Maybe when my daughter is school age I will ask him...just to see if he would have been supportive!  I've mentioned BLW a few times and I got the sense he had no clue what I was talking about, but he didn't comment in any way..  He is pro-breastfeeding though.

kcisthebombdotcom

honkytonk_kid said:

Boonhilde said:

Now that you mention it, I am a little flabbergasted that they even ask where the baby sleeps. I think if mine asks again at this coming up 9 month appointment I'm going to tell them he sleeps in the bathtub. I mean, who cares?! Obviously he's at his checkup and is doing just fine. It's not the doctor's business. You don't go in for physicals and get your doctor asking where YOU sleep!

Well, to be fair, there ARE unsafe places for a baby to sleep. On the couch, with a bunch of blankets and stuffed animals, in certain sleep positioners that have been recalled, etc. I don't think it's an unreasonable question, BUT I think the reaction of many pedis is uninformed. They have a great opportunity to teach safe cosleeping practices instead of condemning it outright, but many/most don't.

OP, I think I skirted the issue a bit. At the first appointment he was sleeping in a cosleeper in our bed and she didn't say anything about it. After that he usually started the night in his crib (in our room) or I wasn't asked.

I definitely see why they don't recommend it universally. There are many circumstances that make cosleeping unsafe that apply to A decent percentage of our population--obesity, smoking, heavy drinking, etc. I feel like it opens them up to liability if they give advice how to do it then a baby dies because of the parents error.