Another Uncomfy B-day Party

FmrAFBrat

I am so happy (& stunned) that DS1 is 2 today.  We have his party Saturday, which means an another party with both some of my family and my MIL who has made them (all) very uncomfortable.

Just a little backstory when I was having the little guy 2 years ago MIL was in the waiting room making comments on a "rump roast in the delivery room" and how this "baby was planned and will have lots of nice things". She then went on a tirade (since we are in our 30s) about how young parents are just wrong and shouldn't have babies and how ignorant teen parents are.  My mom was 16  when she had me and her husband had a LO at 19.  Neither my family or her DH had the government pay for any of their children.  I think she really offended them both and they see her as a little crude.

She has also offended my dad when he was in town.  He was royally pissed that she wanted me to cook her a full holiday meal that year with a new baby.  She complained to him about everything and even defended her comments to him without my dad even bringing anything up.  (I had spoken to DH in private about her comments being inappropriate and he went back to her. He said the rump roast comment wasn't meant to be vulgar-just that he and his mom joked that I looked like I had a rump roast when I was pregnant with DS1.)

Anyway, last year the birthday party was a little rough.  No one talked to MIL other than DHs grandma other than hello.  My MIL is also VERY upset that she did not get invited to my family's Thanksgiving dinner and other holiday gatherings. My husband has pressured me to have both his mother and grandmother invited to all of our family functions this year.  My parents hate my MIL and do like his grandma, however she is 98 and it's a lot of work to have her around. I am slightly stressed how this will go down. 

 On top of everything else I have been really sick for the past two weeks and I wasn't able to get everything I wanted for the party.  We ended up doing cupcakes because DH wanted to go with me to pick out the cake but wouldn't do it when I wanted because it was too early.  Then the last 2 weeks I have been puking my guts out and I haven't been able to do it.  I also couldn't pick up the final décor.  I know she will comment on how simple the party looks this year.

Anyways, I am so sorry this is long winded. But WWYD? I'm not sure on how to deal with DH and his demands for his mother this year. I don't know if there is a way to make the other family members like MIL. He wants us all to be one big happy family. I just want to make it through the party without getting sick again and to enjoy the boys.

4legsRbest

Ugh, that sounds like a doozy. IMO, I think you have to suck it up for the birthday party, everyone knows how she is at this point so it is just a grit your teeth and get through it thing. Now, the holidays, totally different story. It is not fair to your family to be subjected to that on thier holiday celebration. My ILs live far away so I don't have to worry about that but both of my sister's ILs live locally and we continually have this issue with their ILs wanting to combine celebrations. I make a huge stink about it and I am normally not that way but I'll be damned if I am spending my Christmas with my sister's MIL and FIL - once you open that door, you can't close it again. I don't think it is fair for your DH to suggest that to you. As long as you find time to celebrate with them, I think you are totally in-line to reject that suggestion.

 

And Happy Birthday to your LO!!

MickeyM04

I agree with 4legs. It is totally not fair of DH to impose his family on yours. You and DH are married and his family is yours and yours is his but that does not mean his family is your family's family.

For the birthday party there's nothing you can do. Everyone has to be together. I would let go. You can't control whether she's crazy rude or whether your family likes her. It's not your job to make sure everyone gets along. It's your job to make sure DS has a good time and that's about it. She made her bed. If no one likes her, she has no one to blame but herself. It's not your job to fix it.

And DH needs to understand you can't make other people share their celebrations. He can't make your family invite his family to their celebrations. It is not his place to dictate what your family does for the holidays. Period end of story.

MJM3108

I agree completely with PP. When it comes to the kids' parties, there isn't much choice but to suck it up. But as for the holidays, your family is not required to include his family at all. For your H to expect that is unreasonable. If your family got along w/ your MIL, it wouldn't be that big a deal, but since she is clearly rude and a little BSC, I wouldn't want that drama either. 

Both DH's parents and my parents are divorced, and every year, we visit 4 different places and celebrate Christmas 4 different times. Things have changed slightly since mom died, but since Barb is still a huge part of our lives, we still have 4 parents to see. It's a pain, but easier than having them all in my house at once, lol!

FmrAFBrat

RachaelA said:

I've said this to you many times before on PAL. Your husband needs to make a choice between his family and his mother. The fact that your MIL is even allowed around your children and your family (both immediate and extended) after the shit she has pulled and the comments she has made is ridiculous.

Why do you allow your husband to make all these demands? Why do you go along with so many of them? Get both of you into counseling now or be ready to deal with him and his mommy like this for the rest of your life.

Your husband places his mother above you and his children. That's not magically going to change when you allow him to demand things of you involving his mother.

I have limited the time MIL has with the boys..she has to come here since her house reeks if cigarette smoke. This has caused a lot of conflict between DH & I since I am denying his only living parent the right to be a grandparent. She comes like once a month or less.

MIL and GMIL are DHs only family. GMIL is actually his dad's mom and MIL rarely speaks to her mother or brothers. MIL was divorced from FIL for 17 years before his death. She will claim to be a widow. DH is an only and his dad was one too. DH hadn't spoke to his dad for a year when FIL was killed by a drugged driver. He saw his dad out 2 days before the accident and walked past him without saying a word. He feels incredibly guilty and MIL used this to her advantage. DH does need to see a therapist about this but he has refused.

I have tried to forgive and she has kept her mouth closed around me. I tolerate her because she is the grandma.

However, in my family we always had Thanksgiving at one grandparent or great grandparents house and then we always spent Christmas Eve at my moms family's place and Christmas Day with my dad's family since they all lived in the same town when we were lucky enough to live close by. A lot of holidays we just did at our house when we were to far from family to visit. Just my parents, brothers, & myself. But we always missed being near family.

Needless to say they will not get invites from my family. Part of it is my mom would like to spend time with all of her grand kids together and enjoy just us. My mom thinks it would be better if they did a separate occasion so that they can get to spend time with the boys. Plus, she shouldn't be forced to like MIL.

My DH grew up with one Christmas and he wants it to be that way for our boys. I think it's odd myself, but both of his grandmas would come to his house for Christmas and he would like something similar. It's never going to happen.