Ughhhh :(

rmjones15

I haven't posted on here much, but today I had such a discouraging meeting with my attorney.

Backstory...XH and I were divorced about 2 years ago after a loooong time in court. He was abusive when we were married and that didn't help him when we went to court over custody. He ended up getting "extended" weekends, so DS goes to his house Thursday-Monday every other weekend.

In July I remarried and moved about 30 minutes away. DS started preschool 2 mornings a week. I decided to file a complaint to modify the current parenting plan since he a) doesn't show up for his visits right now anyway, and b) DS will go to preschool every morning next year. I filed a little early assuming that he would be as difficult this time around as he was last time.

Well....XH called when he was served the paperwork. He told me that he knows it's best for DS to spend longer weeks with us, and that he knows he has more opportunity here (we both live in small towns but mine is the larger of the two and schools are much better here). He was supposed to file a response by today.

SO...today my attorney calls and says that not only has he filed that he disagrees with the entire modification, he has also filed his own modification. He wants FULL CUSTODY. He also said some BS to his attorney about how he thinks it's best for us to settle outside of court. I am so exhausted with dealing with him. Last time we were in court he drug it out forever. He doesn't pay his CS or medical like he's supposed to, instead he does idiot stuff like buy a Harley and Cadillac. He doesn't pick DS up for visits...he doesn't do ANYTHING except for do stuff to piss me off. I am so frustrated! Is this ever going to get better??

SimpleJane

Have you kept track of him consistently skipping visits? If so that we come in handy. Also, DS is already in school in your district and you have had primary since the divorce. A judge would want a VERY compelling reason to change that. He is trying to built you, don't let it get to you.

Have you talked to your lawyer about possible outcomes? If you keep the current schedule will he be able to commit to getting DS to school on time every other Friday and Monday?

rmjones15

I have kept track of his visits (or lack of visits).

XH changes stories daily, at one point he said he would bring him to school, but then the same week he skips a visit because he doesn't have gas money.

Attorney thinks he doesn't have much of a chance to get custody (she said its about the same chance of me getting struck by lightning). His track record isn't great and I'm in no way an unfit parent. She also says this is a reasonable request, given that I'm asking because of school.

I guess I'm just anxious about the prospect of fighting thru lawyers for the next year. He can be outrageous and manipulative, and he wastes a lot of everyone's time. It's expensive and exhausting. And it's hard for me to see him treat his son like this. I wish we could get along and work together, nt against each other. Bleh. DS Is only 4...I guess I should toughen up a little.

Wahoo

How can he afford all of these legal fees if he doesn't have gas money?

rmjones15

His grandparents pay his legal fees. He's a real gem.

ambrvan

rmjones15 said:

His grandparents pay his legal fees. He's a real gem.

I sooo sympathize with you there. Good luck with it all. This would royally piss me off.

MrsHetzel

No judge is going to give him full custody just coz he feels like having full custody all of a sudden. A judge most likely wouldn't even give him joint custody coz the precedent is already set that you have full custody and DS is fine. Your ex would have to prove you're truly unfit somehow which he would really have to jump through hoops to do even if you were somehow unfit. I wouldn't worry about it. The judge is gonna see he filed that just out of retaliation and he will look right past it. Last time DH took BM to court for a real reason, BM countered asking for half of all extra curriculars just to retaliate. Judge saw that immediately and didn't even acknowledge her motion in court.

SueBear

First of all, I wouldn't worry. No judge will give full custody to someone who doesn't make the most of his current time.  Do you think he is claiming full custody just to be difficult, or because that is what his parents or grandparents want?

Is there a way to make him responsible for your attorney's fees if he files motions and delays just to be a PITA? 

I would also disengage from speaking from him.  Send the communication you need via text or email; use an online calendar to notify him of events, etc.  If he is that un-involved, there is nothing you can say verbally to co-parent that can't be done via text or email. Also, stop discussing any topic other than your DS.  If he drags things out to look good or to get a reaction out of you, then by shutting down non-essential communication, you stop feeding his ego. 

KTdidit

I agree with PPs. The judge will see right through what your ex is doing and won't be happy about it. Judges don't like to have their time wasted with petty BS. Based on the last two years' precedent, the fact that you are asking for a legitimate reason and being completely reasonable, and your ex's history of not taking his time (not to mention not paying his CS obligation) - you have nothing to worry about. Ask your lawyer about requesting that he pay for a certain amount fo your legal fees if he drags this out ridiculously long.

CurlyQ284

Try to be patient and not worry. He isn't going to get full custody. See if he can be ordered to pay your legal fees. He won't get custody so just try to make it through this. ((Hugs))

+just+j+

I agree with everyone else - he may pull some tricks to drag it out, but don't let that discourage you.  He won't get full custody.  But I know...the court and how he'll drag it out will be trying.

Just remember that in the long run it will turn out best for your son.

So sorry you're dealing with this. 

Sigir

i can relate... btdt w my exh. it is exhausting mentally and physically, and in my case it has not gone away, but it will get easier with time. I echo others, he won't get custody and he is just doing this to try to hurt you. Try to be gentle with yourself and do some relaxing things for yourself as you go through this process. This too shall pass.

rmjones15

I hadn't even thought to ask that he pay legal fees....I'm glad I posted! Thanks, all!

Nineoceans

ambrvan said:

rmjones15 said:

His grandparents pay his legal fees. He's a real gem.

I sooo sympathize with you there. Good luck with it all. This would royally piss me off.

Same. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The only thing I think he said right was to settle out of court if you can. If you leave it up to a judge they usually as our attorney told us 8000x "split the baby like Solomon"

I think you have an advantage that you are 30 minutes away and he will not relocate. I would try to ask him if he REALLY wants to drive 30 minutes out of his way in peak morning rush hour to drive your son to school every morning. If he says yes, offer to just keep the long weekends, but hopefully you can talk him out of it.

Nineoceans

Should say "every Monday" not every morning

rmjones15

Nineoceans said:

His grandparents pay his legal fees. He's a real gem.

I sooo sympathize with you there. Good luck with it all. This would royally piss me off.

Same. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The only thing I think he said right was to settle out of court if you can. If you leave it up to a judge they usually as our attorney told us 8000x "split the baby like Solomon" I think you have an advantage that you are 30 minutes away and he will not relocate. I would try to ask him if he REALLY wants to drive 30 minutes out of his way in peak morning rush hour to drive your son to school every morning. If he says yes, offer to just keep the long weekends, but hopefully you can talk him out of it.

This is my biggest fear....that our judge will get sick of us fighting and just split things half and half. My attorney has said that since we live in 2 different school districts this probably isn't an option, but it still freaks me out. 

The most annoying part about him is that he will say one day "I know it's best that he be with you, let's figure out how I can still have time with DS" and we can talk it out and get some ideas on the table, but then the next day he will freak out and all the sudden he doesn't agree to any of it. He's a crazy person.

+just+j+

 Do you have that in writing?  That it's best he is with you?  Or was it just verbal?

Start digging thru your written communications.  Next time he says something like this, email him, repeat what he said and try to get a confirmation from him in written form.

rmjones15

I save all of his texts in a PDF and I record all of his calls. My lawyer said to see how the next week with negotiations go, and she'll decide how to use them. She said something about how they will be great if we go to court.