Come talk to me if you hate (yes HATE) your IL's

MickeyM04

This has been an ongoing fight for the entire time DH and I have been together. But ever since I got pregnant wtih DS, it has gotten progressively worse. I will try to be brief. I think they are horribly uninvolved parents and CLEARLY favor my SIL. When we were in law school, for example, they would not even by DH's groceries when they came to visit (we weren't married yet, he was living on student loans), but now, SIL who is 34 years old, and employed in a full-time career, they will take shopping for designer clothes whenever they are with her because she can't afford to shop designer. They call maybe once a week. Before DS was born we saw them maybe once a year. Now we see them about twice a year.

SIL is awful. She is a self-entitled, self-centered, miserable person who hates when anyone else is happy or doing better than she is. DH calls her all the time. She never calls him back. He gchats her, and she blows him off and says she's busy. She only calls if she needs something. They probably talk 3 times a year, always because DH initiates, unless she needs something.

SIL has seen DS twice since he's been born (she lives in another state). She doesn't FaceTime us, call us, ask how DS is doing, nothing. FIL and MIL are similar. I posted about them earlier this week and their lack of involvement.

DH and I got into an epic fight last night because his sister finally called him after basically not having talked to him or returned any of his calls in the last 6 months. And why did she call? Because she needed something. Big surprise. I got into a big fight with DH because he called her back the first instant he was available and then sat and listened to her piss and moan about her life's problems. I said he could have at least told her that he was hurt that she hadn't returned any of his calls, or maybe made her wait a day before calling her back. He got all pissed at me and basically said his dealings with his family are not my problem...even though I'm the one that has to listen to him when he gets upset about what a horrible sister she is, or how his parents are horrible grandparents, etc.

I don't know what to do. This is an ongoing fight. DH's family acts like the a$$holes they are, I get all pissed and up in arms, DH tells me it's not my place to be upset, I tell him not to vent to me about how upset they make him if he doesn't want to hear my thoughts, he tells me he won't, and we start all over. Do I just completely distance myself from his family (it wouldn't be hard, as we have no relationship now) so I don't know what they are doing so I can't get pissed at them? Do I just suck it up and play the supportive wife and let DH do whatever he wants and comfort him when he's upset and keep all my thoughts and opinions to myself? I just can't keep having this fight every few weeks for the next 50 years.

tetiananina

I personally would opt to stay out of it in any shape or form. Unfortunately it does involve you because He is your DH and you will hear it. That would irritate the LIVING CRAP out of me. I would stop putting forth effort and if DH wants to do something let him figure it all out and if that involves you going to play nice and cordial but don't keep trying and showing effort when obviously they don't care. When his Sister calls and He wants to play nice and have a pitty party of 1, just walk out of the room and ignore it. If he tries to bring it up to you, kindly tell him I would rather not hear about it since she obviously doesn't care about us or our Son. Just know that it's their loss not yours. And DS and future LO will know that with out you having to say anything.

MickeyM04

I think the problem with listening and being supportive is that it's the same crap over and over and over.  For example, every time his parents do something stupid (which is often), he complains to me about it and says nothing to them.  Every time they spoke while I was pregnant with DS, they would not once ask how I was doing, how I was feeling, how the baby was doing, nothing.  So basically 3 times a month (the # of times they talked), DH would tell me how upset he was that they didn't care about me or the pregnancy, how crappy he thought they were, etc.  So that was like 20+ times during my pregnancy.  But did he ever say anything to them?  No. 

It's like the first time, I'll hear you out and be supportive.  The second time, I'll hear you out and be supportive.  The third time, you're starting to grate on my nerves and I think you're being a pansy and you need to deal with it, but I'll be supportive.  But the 4th, 7th, 19th, 20th times?  I'm sorry, that is too much.  So for the past seven years, I'd say at least once a month he gets pissed at either his parents or his sister for doing something stupid/inconsiderate/etc.  And since DS was born, it's probably been more often.  So what is that, like 80+ times?  It gets to the point where I may be a horrible person, but no, I cannot just sit there and listen to you get upset, refuse to do anything about it, but then also, I don't get to say or do anything about it either.  It just gets ridiculous, you know?

martinimomma

The posts about horrid ILs in this board make me inappropriately happy to not have traditional ILs to deal with (DHs mother died when he was a boy and he and his dad are civil but not close, instead his very nice and nonobtrusive aunts and uncles are my de Facto ILs). I agree with tetiananina with a few caveats. I don't think you can easily recraft DHs relationship with his family, but you can take steps to make it his relationship and not yours by proxy, and perhaps reduce your stress at the same time. If he chooses to capitulate to their disrespectful and asinine behaviors, that can be his choice. If he vents to you about it, you can listen respectfully (hence being the "good spouse" and hearing him out) while wearing a mental teflon suit (ie, let it roll off of you as it is not your problem anymore) and then delicately say that whike you wish you could help you cannot, because it is his family and he has chosen how the relationships are going, and only he has the power to change that (pointing out the obvious but with compassion for the effed up situation that is, remember the Teflon suit here, no longer your problem). It might piss him off but I can't see going to other way - having repeated epic blow ups about it - doing much for your psyche or your marriage over the long haul. If You have to deal with the ILs, stay civil but firm. Pretend they are incompetent opposing counsel that you need to tolerate to get the deal done, but not be friends with. If they do anything really jacked up, refer it to your husband as his problem to address. So sorry your have this extra added stress. ((Hugs)). ETA - sorry no paragraphs thanks to the iPad.

MickeyM04

Thanks for all the supportive and helpful comments and advice!  I'm glad I'm not the only one who's thinking something has to change here.  Part of me thought I was being a horrible wife. 

MickeyM04

UGH.  It just really sucks because it is so not my personality to b!tch about something for years and then not do anything about it.  You know what I mean?  So it is so hard to listen to him complain over and over and over AND OVER about the same issues with his family and then NOT say anything and just nod and act all sympathetic and supportive.  I just want to either:

1) Tell him to fix it or let it go, because it is ridiculous to complain and complain and complain and do nothing.

2) Tell him my own thoughts in the hopes that he will get as fired up as me and actually do something about it.

3) Tell his family off myself, which I would never do, but I do fantasize about it.

I think the best option as suggested by basically everyone is to just sit there and listen and go someplace else in my head and then tell him, "I'm sorry" and leave it at that. 

FmrAFBrat

Like PP said I hate my inlaw. DHs dad was killed in a car crash so I only have MIL to deal with and DH is an only child so she is more involved than any normal grandparent and she wanted to move in at one point because she is lonely. She like your MIL likes to piss and moan over all life's problems but she would never look in the mirror and blame herself.

DH and I fight constantly over things she mentions including:

Her smoking like a chimney and me not wanting to take the boys to her horrid smelling home. I get a migraine every time I step into that place. She has convinced DH that it's not that bad since they used to smoke in hospitals.

Food we feed the boys.

Breastfeeding.

Car seats....she thinks DS1 could go without one and ride with her (& she is legally blind...totally blind in one eye.)

Toys (she gets old ones from people) that she brings to play with that day. She was mad about the TP roll test...yes that is a choking hazard.

At this point I ignore it. I continue to do what I want to do and even purchased the car seat for DHs car. Both boys will be in a rear facing care seat....end of story or they will never ride with DH. I cannot dictate what that idiot gets DH to believe so I quit since she "is so much smarter" bc she has a grad degree and I only have a BA. Plus she was a teacher (at juvenile detention) so she knows everything about kids. I just wish DH would get her to stop talking bad about me and take my side.

Petunia844

I don't post much around these parts, but I wanted to weigh in on this if you don't mind.  I have to agree that while it's crazy annoying, your best course of action is probably just to listen.  My ILs are normally awesome and I really like them, but they were totally MIA when Peyton died.. it made me super upset and it made me super upset on behalf of DH.  I just had to remind myself that if it's upsetting me, it's 10x worse for him because it's HIS parents that are being lame parents.  As much as it sucks for you, he's the one who is constantly hurt by his own family.  Family relationships are extremely complex, and I think especially for men for some reason.  My DH would NEVER voice his hurt or opinions about things like that with his parents, that's just how he is.

I just think letting them affect your marriage is not helping anything.  As you said, it always results in a fight... so I'd just suck it up, listen to your husband, and honestly try to remember that him opening up to you and confiding in you is a good thing.  If your marriage got to the point where he didn't do that, it would be a much bigger problem.  Just listen to his bologna once a month, tell him your sorry his relationship isn't where he'd like it to be and go on about your day without the big fight.

orangegoggles

I truly believe families are something you really can't mess with when it comes to your significant other. Most people have a fierce yearning to protect their family members even when they are "wrong". Though they might deny it, people don't like to hear bad things about "their" family. It is hard to admit the faults of those in your family. Even if they are the most horrible people in the world, when someone outside of the immediate family says something negative or points out character flaws it is bothersome to most. 

So while I COMPLETELY understand your feelings, I think it is just a battle you will not win. Until DH is ready to cut ties/stand up for himself/set boundaries, etc. you nagging on him about the choices he makes with his family will only make him defensive. I think its more than appropriate to just cut him off when he starts complaining and just say I'm sorry but you know how I feel about this situation so I will not comment any further, without giving him a play by play of what he needs to do. 

GL! It sure is a sucky situation to be in. 

JellyTwoPointO

Oh yeah. We've got horrendous drama with DH's family. Most recently one of his SILs removed both of us from FB and said we wouldn't be seeing her anymore. But that's ok because DH already made the decision we wouldn't be spending the holidays with them.

When DS was born, none of them (his two sisters or mom) came to the hospital. The SIL who we have the most recent drama with has only met DS once when he was already a month old. My other SIL has only met DS twice. My MIL who lives maybe 5 minutes away has only met DS about 3 times. My son has been treated as lesser than all the other grandchildren. So now DH and I are just over it.

I'm done with them completely. If DH ever wants to try for a relationship down the road, that's his business. But unless they start putting in some serious efforts, I'm totally done.

MickeyM04

I know all you ladies are right and I really do just have to be a good wife and listen and remember that if it bothers me, it bothers him a lot more and he needs someone to listen.  I did get really irritated with him last night though, because he said, "I wish you and my dad (he's the one I primarily have issues with) could just talk and work out all your differences."  And I was like, "EXCUSE ME???" 

All the issues I have with his family are the same issues he has.  The reason they bother me are because they bother him.  If I wasn't constantly hearing from DH that seeing what great grandparents my parents are just reminds him of how awful his parents are us grandparents, I wouldn't be so pissed at them, not only for being bad grandparents, but for making DH feel bad about it.  I was like, "I'm sorry, is the stuff that bothers me not the same exact stuff you are always complaining about?"  And he's like, "No, it is."  And I said, "And have you ever talked to anyone in your family about your feelings/issues with them/etc."  And he's like, "No."  And I respond, "So if you won't talk to YOUR family about YOUR issues with them, why the heck would I do it????"  And he agreed that was a stupid suggestion.

I think what makes the whole thing more irritating (for everyone) is the fact that he is super nonconfrontational with everyone, but especially with his family.  It doesn't matter how out of line his family is or how rude or inconsiderate they are, he says nothing about it except to me.  And I get frustrated because I'm like, well why the heck didn't you say something to your dad/mom/sister when you had the chance.  And he goes, "Because he's my dad/she's my mom/etc."  It's just not me.  I say things to people when they bother me, no matter what my relationship is with them.  And I can't impose that on him, because that's not who he is, but that's where the friction comes in.  Because I just am incapable of relating to feeling irritated with someone and keeping it to myself only to complain about it later to other people. 

But I think a good resolution is to just listen and like PP said, tell him, "I'm sorry, but I don't really have anything else I can tell you because you know how I feel on this subject.  But I am sorry you're upset."  And then leave it at that. 

anna147

My issue is that I hate them and how they treat us (me and DH) but my husband is oblivious. I think he used to being the son that just blends in and doesn't stir shit up. To make it worse we all work together. Both of DHs adult brothers one 32 and the other married live with his parents, pay zero rent or groceries and we (of course) live on our own and look after our damn selves but are also the outcasts. His family is ridiculous and we are starting to look for other jobs as this stress of them all is just a nightmare every day.